It’s almost amusing that two posts ago I spoke about having dignity in this breakup and mess that is my life and then the next post was the opposite of dignity.
I’m super sensitive to my mother’s loud voice and her constant talking. She’s worse than normal right now because one of her dogs is sick. I don’t blame her there. It’s awful when you can’t seem to help your dog get better. But I am having to use a lot of control because her volume and nonstop chatter are getting to me.
I’m depressed because for the millionth time I have realized that my husband doesn’t want me. I’m not sure how many more millions of times it will take to get it through my thick skull. This relationship is over. And in the end I’ll be better off for not being with him. I say that, but do I mean it? I don’t know.
My diet is crap. I’m not really eating meals, just snacking a lot. I’m sure the scale will show no weight loss this week. I need to really focus, even on just a short term goal: lose the seven pounds to finally be under 200 lbs. Just do that. One goal at a time.
I began that walk/run thing last Sunday and then had bad knee aches this week. I was able to swim on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, but I don’t plan to go to the pool on Saturdays any more; it’s always disappointing. So, if I will be swimming only three or four days a week, I need to add the walking at least two days a week.
As soon as my breakfast has digested I will go out today with the “ease into 5k” app and see how it goes. I feel I’m about to jump out of my skin and I wish I could walk for three hours, not 30 minutes.
I decided I will join this local group, The Obsidians, and walk with them and then I realized I still don’t have any hiking shoes. I plan to buy some in the beginning of May, and then no more excuses. I need nature and I need it badly.
Hopefully the contact with humans will do me good, but I’m not sure. I’m finding that I’m crabby, unsocial, too shy, too critical. In other words, I don’t like myself.
My ego simply can’t take the fact that my husband used up every penny I had, discarded me, and now wants to act like my friend. Neither my company nor my vagina is enough to make him want me back: I am that bad. If he doesn’t want me, who will?
This is a bad spiral. I’ve got to shake myself out of it. I’ve got to remind myself that just because I can think negative thoughts like that, doesn’t mean they’re true. In the end, I KNOW I’ll be grateful that I’ve managed to move on.
Life is very difficult with this Pied Piper of a man. He’s so dominating. If there is settlement money, I fear he will go right through his. Money just slips through his fingers. Perhaps that’s why he wants to start a business with me. He doesn’t want to run it or be there, he just wants to be part owner.
I can’t understand why I am only focussing on the things I liked about him and not all the many ways he was cruel to me and made my life unbearable. It’s made doubly hard because I have realized all the ways I could have been a better person and a better wife, but I realized it too late.
As I’ve said many times before, the only thing I can think of to do to get myself out of this state of mind is to work very, very hard. I generally do work extremely hard on my website, often over 12 hours a day. But that’s such a solitary thing with almost no interaction with anybody else. I’m so proud of it, but it does not get very many visits. Somehow I do have 550 Twitter followers for it, but they don’t really go to look at it.
I don’t know if the site has a future at all. I do it simply to be able to say to people, “This is what I do.” Because having not worked outside the house for almost ten years, I have to be able to show something. If/when the settlement money comes, I’ll probably drop it because I really do not know how to turn it into a money making business. Monetizing websites is a tricky, tricky thing. Plus I’m not assertive. I don’t sell myself.
I wish I could give myself a mental break, even just 24 hours of not thinking about my husband. It would be such a relief.
Sadly, I have a bad feeling about my parent’s dog. She had pancreatitis two years ago and they think it is back. She’s home from the ER but she’s not eating, and seems lethargic. If anything happens to her, my mother will literally fall apart. She has often told anyone who will listen that she wants to die before her dogs do. She’s an odd dog, a Bichon, but I like her very much. She’s got a unique personality and is only seven years old. I want her to get better.
My apologies. Today is just a complaint day. I guess I have those days more often than not. I pray my walk/run wears me out and that my attitude is better later on. Weekends are always a challenge because for some reason I’m acutely aware that I am alone.