Weighday and Not Much Else

Yesterday was one of those days where, in the past, I might have done something drastic. Yes, I felt suicidal and hopeless, but I didn’t even consider doing anything about it. I vowed six months ago when I started this blog that the days of considering suicide are behind me forever. That’s one area where there’s no compromise. That person can no longer exist. That person has already ruined enough lives.

So I just kept telling myself, “Well, you’re really depressed today” and I let it go at that. It was far from a pleasant feeling, but I lived with it. I also read a chapter of my ACT book, “The Happiness Trap” which helped a little.

I didn’t want to weigh today, but I did. To my surprise the scale read 204.7 so I’m calling it 205. One more pound lost. I decided that I will really buckle down to lose the six pounds it will take for me to be under 200, and then I ate some chocolate chips.

It’s raining today so I doubt I will exercise, plus I am doing some redesigning on my website and I’m totally engrossed in that.

I think it will help me to eventually be mad at my husband. I can’t afford that luxury now (at least outwardly) because I am praying he will share half of his settlement with me and I can’t afford to alienate him. But on the day that the money is safely in my account, I want to tell him I don’t want to be his friend, or fuck buddy, or safe person to flirt with.

He’ll never fathom how much he’s hurt me, and that’s really frustrating. But I can let him know that I cannot possibly respect, or hang out with, or do business with someone like him. Sadly I think it will come as a shock to him.

I imagine he might only value me if/when he sees me with another man. He’ll be very curious about that. He’ll want to know details. I won’t give him any.

It’s sad that he thinks I’m the sort of woman who’d advertise myself on Craigslist. Why doesn’t he know that there are some things I won’t stoop to!? When I asked him why he was looking at Craigslist personals in the first place he told me (as if it’s something to be proud of), that he was “craigslist stalking” me. I told him he will never, ever find me on Craigslist unless I’m selling a piece of furniture.

My parent’s dog is doing a bit better. As long as they keep her on pain meds she will eat. They’re feeding her only rice and chicken due to her pancreatitis. I am really hoping the diet change will get her on the mend.

My dad hardly slept last night. He got some new medicine that is delivered through a nebulizer. It loosened up a bunch of stuff in his chest, but he could not cough it up so he was awake most of the night. It’s amazing how he (and us) have adapted to things we never thought we could such as his oxygen, and most recently, a walker. He is at the mall with my mom now trying it out. He was told by his physical therapist that he could probably walk more if he used one. I think it’s important that that sort of advice come from someone else. I hate to see him this way. I can see that life is a bit of a struggle these days. But I appreciate that he is doing all he can to slow up his COPD.

Sundays aren’t quite as bad as Saturdays for me because I know Monday is only a day away and Sunday night is a good TV night. I will go to the pool in the a.m. and the kids center in the p.m. I see my therapist on Tuesday, so I can make it until then.

Sunday Stats
Starting weight: 267 (mid October 2013)
Today’s weight: 205
Total weight loss to date: 62 pounds
Height: 5’8″
Goal weight: about 150 (about 55 pounds to go)



4 responses to “Weighday and Not Much Else

  1. I’m very proud of you for staying committed to putting suicide behind you. It is also not an option for me either. No matter how bad I feel, I will suffer through it. For me it is because of my faith. I do not believe for a minute that option is what God wants for me.

    Yay for one more pound! With all you’re going through that’s impressive.

    • I wish I had your faith. I am so ashamed of so many suicide attempts, some of them quite serious. But there’s nothing I can do but try to live a better life now. I finally had to decide that for the sake of my daughter I had to find a way to cope because anything else would ruin her life and who knows how many others. Thanks so much for your support. Do you battle depression much?

  2. Yes I do battle depression, my whole life. It’s sometimes better, sometimes worse. You do not need to feel ashamed for your suicide attempts. It’s a natural thought for anyone in that much pain who sees no way out of that pain. I have found there is always a way out, we need to just keep trying until we find it. For me lately, it has been my diet and exercise and blogging. Exercise really does lift my mood. I only have to miss one day to see that. But my depression is stubborn, it takes a fair amount of exercise to make a difference. It’s certainly not a magic cure either. But I will take anything that helps me feel better.

    • It’s always nice to come across someone who does understand the pain and not just say “it’s the cowards way out.” I totally agree with you about exercise. 99.9% of the time it helps me a great deal. I am certain that if I were to stop the exercise, everything would come crashing down.

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