I’d Rather Be Me Than Him

I’m going to start seeing my counselor every other week. I think I’m ready for it and so does she. I feel I’m sort of at a turning point in my life and not just in terms of letting go of my husband.

She reminds me of how far I’ve come in six months and asked if I ever thought I’d be volunteering and losing weight, etc. And I said, “No. I couldn’t have imagined it.” She said another six months will bring additional changes, I just have to keep moving forward.

I told her today that I am re-examining my weight loss and exercise routine because I don’t want the rest of my weight loss to take forever and at the rate I was going it would take almost a year.

So I’m doubling down, but not looking at the whole 55 or so pounds. I am just working on getting to 199 within the next three weeks or so. That’s about two pounds a week, a fairly doable goal.

Way back when I was about 30 I gained a lot of weight and found myself at 190 pounds which mortified me. I quict drinking and started exercising, and left an abusive marriage (another one) and within nine months was a svelte 135 or so.

I can’t lose weight at that rate any longer, unfortunately. But if I can lose between 1-2 pounds per week for the next twenty pounds or so, I’ll be satisfied. By the time I get to 25-30 pounds to go, it’ll be harder and I’ll have to be happy with slower weight loss. But now, at 205? C’mon!

Getting below that 200 mark will be an incredible milestone. I can’t remember when I last weighed under 200. I don’t aspire to get down to 135, which is quite thin for me, but who knows? My goal has been 150ish but perhaps I can get it closer to 140. I have no idea.

I’m going to try to figure out what I can do to increase my metabolism, but I have a feeling the only means I have in that regard is to exercise more.

My husband’s court case has been scheduled in October so certainly I will not see any money from him before that. It gives me six months to keep thinking about what I might do but it’s hard when I have no idea what the amount will be. I’ll continue volunteering, exercising, working on my website.

If it’s a lower amount, my husband will want to pool our money and set up a business together, but I need to put him behind me and so I won’t be doing that.

Because of how we broke up, and how I wanted him back until I found out there was another woman, I never got to scream at him, or throw something, or display my anger, despair, grief, although once I got on my knees and he just backed away from me, cold as ice. He will probably never know how much he hurt me.

I just recalled how he had cruelly said that my ex husband gave me money to “pay me off” when I had worked just as hard and earned just as much as he had during our 18 year marriage and he was in total agreement that our assets be cut in half as they should be. But no, to my current husband, I was being “bought off.” He hit me below the belt like that all the time; a trait I’ll be happy to never experience again.

I want to get to a point where I can tell him not to contact me any longer. Contact with him always upsets me and sets me back. He’d love to be my pal or better still, my fuck-buddy. I don’t want that. I wouldn’t mind if someday he sees me with a worthy man and feels sad about how he used me.

When he told me his court case was in October I said, “Hopefully you can get by until then.” And he replied, ‘I’ll have to. Won’t I?”

He hasn’t paid rent since about October so by the time he gets his money a large chunk of it will go towards paying back rent. When I stop to think how he buys cigarettes, food, or pays for electricity, I assume he’s getting some from his parents, and probably some from his girlfriend.

How on earth does that make him feel to go from one woman to another to have your bills paid? Unbelievable. I still pay his cell phone bill party because I don’t want to upset him now and partly because I fear it will interfere in how his daughters are able to contact him. Maybe his girlfriend can take that bill off my hands; I wish she would.

I have realized I am ashamed of my relationship with him and knew underneath that I was doing so many things that were out of my comfort zone. I made so many mistakes that I finally got to the point where I figured I might as well spend the rest of what I had because I had already lost so much it just didn’t matter any more.

He doesn’t deserve me to treat him as well as I do now, but I do that for me, not for him.

Sometimes I think it’s hard to be me. It’s hard to be 56 and alone and broke and fat and scared. But it’s better than being him.

 

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