I worked out this morning, as usual, although it’s been hard every day this week. I just don’t seem to have the energy that I need. Perhaps I’m not eating well enough.
I’ll admit something here that I’m not at all proud of. Two days this week there was a woman swimming laps whom I’ve never seen before. She’s older than me. Fatter than me, and her swimming form is worse than mine. Yet when I’m in the lane next to her, she almost keeps up with me! I can’t figure out how I’m moving more efficiently yet she’s like some weird slow turtle and she just kept turning up. I found it so annoying!
I vowed not to swim near her again because I was letting her ruin my swim experience, but due to circumstances beyond my control, there she was in the lane next to me today, plodding along slowly, but somehow almost keeping up with me. I don’t know why I was so annoyed by it. How can someone appear to be moving slowly and awkwardly be somehow nearly keeping up with me? AM I THAT POOR A SWIMMER?
I realize this makes me sound shallow, mean, and a bunch of other things, but I’m angry these days, I really am. I began to wonder if I looked like her. If I looked like a pudgy armed woman who swam badly for an hour. I felt so self conscience! I had to remind myself that it really didn’t matter at all if I looked like that, the important part was that I was working out.
But of course it matters very much to me if I look like that. I never realized how shallow I am. It’s funny because for almost 20 years I’ve considered myself too fat to be judgmental. Now as I creep towards a normal weight I am and I’m embarrassed by it.
I did my volunteer stint today and by 4:30 we were all done with work and so we sat around for the last half hour talking about music and then the conversation moved to local bar/night scene. Pretty soon they were talking about these downtown bars that my husband frequents and I found myself getting profoundly depressed. These “girls” are all under 30, they are still at the partying stage of their lives which I left behind long ago. But my husband, a 48 year old man is hanging out with them and I felt sick. His girlfriend could be their age or younger. I hate myself. I hate my fat. I hate my wrinkly skin. I fucking HATE everything and everyone at the moment.
Shit. At this moment I could do something rash. My self hatred is out of control.
I’m going to have to take an ativan tonight, I fear.
My counselor this week strongly urged me to do something, anything in order to interact with some people other than my mother and father. I promised I would, but I scarcely know where to begin. I don’t have a single friend or even acquaintance. I have no idea where to begin. The only place I can think of to start is joining the local walking club and seeing what happens. I’ve been talking about it for eons, but I used the excuse that I have no hiking shoes. It’s true I’d need better shoes for certain hikes, but for some of the local ones, I can probably get by with shoes I have.
It’s times like this when I am consumed with hatred for my husband who I feel has put me in this position, but truly he isn’t the reason I have no friends. I have no friends because I’m shy, awkward, sometimes too choosey. Where do I get the right to be snobby? My god I am ashamed.
But he is free to walk downtown to see all his 20 and 30 something friends. To smoke, have beers, talk and flirt.
I’m really sorry about this diatribe of mine. Really ashamed of my behavior.
It’s already Friday! What if I haven’t lost any weight this week? I haven’t done well, but I haven’t done horribly. I have no idea what to expect on Sunday.
But I know one thing. I’m not eating right. I need to do some actual meal planning. On nights when my parents and I “fend” meaning we eat whatever we feel like, I make really bad food choices. I end up grazing and having no idea what I’ve really eaten at all. I need to make an attempt to make sure that I’m getting more whole foods and quality proteins.
Tomorrow I will see if I can plan my eating better. I’ll get outside and do some walking. I’ve been wanting to go to the local farmer’s market and see about getting a few vegetable starts. My folks are taking a drive so I’ll have the house to myself for a while, a really rare thing.
I have been entertaining the idea of entering a 5k (walking only) on June 21st, but then I looked at the route and got scared. It looked like it was all hill. I will investigate it this weekend so I can put my mind at ease, hopefully. You’d think if it was going to be a hilly hike, they’d promote it as such. But maybe not.
Oh man I’m low.
It’s ativan time.