Due to an error by my hosting company, I almost lost my domain name for my website today. As it is, all will be fine, but the site is down for 24 hours. Infuriating. It happens that I will be busy today anyway, with swimming and then volunteer work, but I hate that my site doesn’t exist today.
I found the blog called Chump Lady and it’s really an excellent “agony aunt” website pertaining to getting cheaters out of our lives. She pulls no punches and most of the people commenting have left their spouses, unlike many of the cheater blogs where they are trying to heal their marriage.
Sometimes I am deeply envious of the women who are still with their husbands trying to work things out. That said, I’d imagine that the vast majority of them will wind up divorced anyway and in the meantime they were hurt over and over and over again.
Lately when I speak to my husband (we usually speak briefly a couple of times a week) I feel that there is no other woman. Can’t really explain why I feel this. Perhaps it’s wishful thinking? I do believe there was at least one person who he fucked while we were married and after we separated, but I am not so sure they are still together. I imagine they weren’t in a relationship so much as just two people who met and fucked.
Sorry about my language.
In some ways it’s even harder to handle having my husband discard me when he doesn’t seem to have actually replaced me. I hope that makes sense. He’d rather be alone than with me. I let that thought hurt me even though deep in my heart I know that I will be better off without him in the end. It shouldn’t matter if he has someone or not, the bottom line is we’re not right for one another. The reason I let it bother me that he’d rather be alone than with me is simply because it’s a different kind of blow to my ego.
In the first three or four months after my husband and I separated, he treated me horrifically, worse than he would treat a stranger. I’ll NEVER forget that. In the the last couple of months he seems more like the man I used to know. Perhaps it’s because I have stopped trying to get him to reconcile and he feels safer and less threatened around me. I don’t know.
Enough about him.
My counselor said she went to hear this psychiatrist give a talk recently, Dr. Michael Lara who believes exercise is vital to people with psychological problems, along with intermittent fasting. I’m sure his outlook is much more complicated than that, but I’ll just leave it at that for now since I haven’t had time to investigate him.
I told my counselor that for me, exercise is the ONLY thing that helps my so-called generalized anxiety disorder, chronic depression, and yes, the dreaded BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I spent close to 15 years on every anti depressant money can buy and I only got worse and on top of that grew fat.
So it is equally important to my mental health, to keep up the exercise for the rest of my life, as it is for my physical health.
I think it’s sort of fun to try new things. Mixing it up will prevent boredom. Some day I would like to SCUBA dive, horseback ride, and who knows what else?
I have been feeling guilty that I don’t go to the gym to lift weights because it’s the latest thing for weight loss. The idea of it is so boring to me, and I can’t really afford another monthly bill right now. So I started to do some research on what swimming actually does for you.
In general it seems to help you lose fat, tone your muscles, and build a little muscle but not as much as lifting weights:
You can think of swimming as the ULTIMATE low weight high rep workout. The resistance of the water ABSOLUTELY builds muscle. You should feel your shoulders, triceps (back of the arms), lats (back muscles), butt, quads, and hamstrings all get sore from a really good swim workout. In addition, it will provide a good cardio workout as well. (From this forum).
And this blogger says:
Swimming is a resistance exercise, similar to weight lifting, but places almost no stress on your joints and bones. So not only does swimming work your muscles but it doesn’t have some of the negative impacts that lifting weights can have.
I feel pretty confident that between swimming and walking, I’m doing just fine. Besides, the upper body workout in swimming is definitely making me stronger (apparently I have a neck, after all).
I’ve noticed that much of my weight loss has come from my legs, which is fine because they were plenty fat, but I also began to worry that I’d end up like so many elderly women at the pool with a chubby torso and chicken legs. Muscle and strength is really important to me. But those elderly women aren’t swimming for an hour a day.
So next month, money will be tight but I am determined to buy some mid priced hiking boots and a pair of lightweight pants. I’m disappointed that I will also need to buy a bathing suit again because the $20 Speedo I got from Costco is just all stretched out. You get what you pay for, I guess.
I’m putting in an extra day at the kids center today. My supervisor asked me if I was ready for more responsibility and I said I was, but I am nervous about it.