I don’t have the strength

No one has ever heard of the internet problem I am having with my website. It’s 9:37 p.m. and I spent the entire day on the phone about it. I haven’t even gotten out of my pajamas. In a nutshell, when I try to open my website on the computer or any device here at my mom’s house, I only see the “downed” yesterday version of the site, while anyone anywhere else, sees the proper site. Meanwhile we can access the rest of the internet just fine.

So I am unable to work on my website, add to it — nothing at all.

That website is my life and sanity. I spend much more time on it than I do anything else. Without it, I am utterly lost.

All day long, the hosting company says it’s an internet service provider problem. The ISP says it’s the hosting company. Back and forth. They both tried very hard to trouble shoot the problem to no avail. I have no website to work on. And it sits there looking like no one cares to update it.

If I could I would do all my research tonight, then go to the library tomorrow to put it on the website, but I’m fucking exhausted. I’m at my wits end. I’m ready to pull my hair out. So the site probably will have no new info on it tomorrow either.

I am 99% certain that the problem is my mother’s convoluted modem/router hook up. She’s using a router, PLUS a combination router/modem and the wires are everywhere. I can’t make heads or tails of it. But I did discover this today. All of us have been using an non-secure network, not the one we all thought we were on. That’s not good. But it’s the only way we can have internet at the moment. (Except for MY WEBSITE).

I’ve put a call into my niece’s boyfriend and I pray he can fix it. SOON.

I texted with my husband and he was trying to help, but the texting was not clear and I was getting so frustrated. It was clear he couldn’t really be bothered. I said, “Never mind. Talk later.” And he never texted again.

So I am mad at the internet and I am mad that my husband, who could always be counted on to fix motherfucking issues like this, can’t be bothered. If I were not at my parent’s home right now I’d fucking scream, throw my computer out the window, impale myself on something. I AM A WRECK.

I ask myself if I’m getting better and if I can handle stress better.

THE ANSWER IS FUCK NO.

And now here I am. Another fucking Saturday ruined. And on top of that, the only thing that gives me some sanity is broken.

I fucking hate myself and my life right now.

I tried to go watch TV and couldn’t. Decided to come here and complain.

I’m going to have to take two ativan and fucking go to bed.

I hate these reminders that I am not normal. That I cannot exist in the real world. That my breaking point is so easy to get to. I hate that I can’t live in a fantasy world thinking things will get better when they never will. Maybe I should just get drugged out of my mind and give up on all this fucking self improvement shit.

I don’t have the strength.

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2 responses to “I don’t have the strength

  1. Have you tried different browsers? Here’s some tips: http://www.wikihow.com/Fix-if-You-Can%27t-Access-a-Particular-Website. There’s some other sites too if you google “cannot connect to certain website” It’s very frustrating when stuff like this happens, but I love to solve problems like this. At least you know the site is still there. Since your husband has access, I would suspect him of doing something… (just sayin). Don’t give up- there’s an answer. Wish I was there, I’d help you for sure. Good luck!

    • I will check out that link, thanks, Cynthia. On the one hand I sure do feel like Sherlock Holmes trying to figure this out. I feel it was started by the hosting co. problem, but now it’s not coming up right due to my mom’s crazy modem/router hookup. I’m already messaging with my host company and am desperate to resolve it today. Thanks for your help and encouragement. xox

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