Rambling Woman

I felt a lot of pride at reaching 202 on Sunday, but yesterday the “diet” was a challenge. I need to do better today.

My website is fixed again although no one’s sure how/why, but somewhere a cache was cleared and the site showed up for me as it was for everyone else. I worked on it a bit in the a.m. and then made myself get in my suit and go to the pool.

I really, really did not feel like it. Not that I didn’t want to swim, I just really did not feel well.

Even in the pool (it seems colder lately) I was slow to warm up, but I kept forcing myself and I lasted more than an hour at a good clip (for me). My ear hurt and my earplugs just didn’t seem to be fitting right.

I thought to myself as I was leaving the pool, “What has changed that makes you get up and swim every day?” The old me would have given it up long ago. I’ve been going to the pool 5 or six days a week since early December, I think, so I guess by now it’s become a habit. So not doing it is a real decision and something I am very reluctant to do.

I still fear that at any moment I’ll just give it all up.

I can’t let that happen for so many reasons, least of all I’ve given up most of my fat(ter) clothes.

I have felt melancholy yesterday and today about my husband. We’re not communicating much and that’s fine, but I still miss him. I still care about him. I still love him. It’s sad. Today is one of those days where I feel I will never find someone else because I just don’t have it in me emotionally. Today is one of those days where I can hardly believe the whole thing happened and that I’m not dreaming.

I gather from reading many hundreds of comments on the Chump Lady blog that that is not uncommon. That my mere seven months is just a drop in the bucket and I need more time.

I want to make love. But only with someone I love and adore. Someone who’ll happily commit to monogamy with me. Will I ever find it? No idea.

That’s why I need something to work at. Something that occupies a huge amount of my time. I hope I find it. Thanks to my fitness level, I do have the energy.

I spoke with my mom and dad this weekend about my website and how, with a small cash injection, and me getting some cojones, it could turn into a career and much more. I just don’t know if I can do it alone. I need partners who understand my dream. I need cojones. My folks hope that I’ll be able to make money from it someday and that, if my husband gets money from his settlement, and if he gives me half as he has promised, I can invest most of it for my later years.

So many ifs. And an entire summer ahead of me before the supposed trial.

I am really going to be broke this month. I have to brace myself. I spent $118 on a lube and radiator flush thing for my car. I wrote checks to the state and federal government for a bit of back taxes in 2012 that I recently discovered. Paid off the state but will take six months or more to pay off the Feds. I am sure I will not be able to afford those hiking shoes this month.

Funny that I owe taxes. In 2012 I cashed in a retirement account and they did take taxes out, but apparently there was also a fine. Then in 2013 I sold the condo I had paid cash for and the final check to me was for under $800. My $150,500 investment in 2006. I borrowed $50,000 off it so that we could live. So I paid that off, and the realtor, and everyone else, and all that was left was $800. But I owe back taxes. Wall Street is responsible for the value of my condo falling down to zero but I owe taxes. It’s almost funny.

I could have kept it but it had horrific memories for me. I had to just unload it, look away, and move on. I still don’t regret selling it even if it was a stupid move financially.

But that $100,000 just went up in smoke. Poof. Gone.

It’s been a while since I tried to pay my way in the world and it’s making me nervous. I have to accept that this is how it will be and it will hopefully get easier. Of course my husband should be helping me pay the taxes, after all, I supported him that year and every year, but no. He can’t.

I think I’ll need to make sure that we divorce before this year is out or I might get into more tax problems with him. Dunno. But I did ask him if he’d help me get an EU passport before we file and he said ok. Not sure why I want that, but why not? I gave him his US passport. It’s the least he can do.

His oldest daughter turned 16 today and I can hardly believe I met her when she was about seven. I pray they manage to get here someday. I’d love to be a part of their lives if they’ll have me. I mailed her some shirts from Old Navy and she loved them. They have Gap there in the UK, but not Old Navy.

I just realized I’m rambling and it must be terribly boring. Sorry about that!

I feel slightly better than I did yesterday morning, but still not great. Nevertheless I’ll get my suit on soon and head to the pool. Later, at the kids center there is a grand jury so I’m needed for child care.

My hair is fine and thin and getting more thin in recent years. I know it’s a long shot, but I’ve decided to get some essential oils (lavender in particular) and massage it into my scalp every night. At the very least lavender is supposed to be supper relaxing and good for people with sleep issues. All the hair on my arms is gone. When did that happen? My god, aging is weird.





3 responses to “Rambling Woman

  1. It is crazy the state this country is in financially. So many people losing hard earned money that they just should be losing! It’s scary, I worry that it will get even worse.

  2. Hard to imagine it could get worse!

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