I didn’t lose any weight this week. So ironic after giving it my all last week. I knew it would be a small weight loss but I was sort of shocked by the zero weight loss. It was a stressful week, and I found myself eating too many snacks at night. I don’t really know how to get that under control, but I’ll keep trying.
To be honest, I’m disappointed in that, but it’s not foremost on my mind.
I’ve been thinking a lot about men and cheating. Of course I realize that women cheat (boy do they), but it seems maybe men cheat more, or perhaps the repercussions of their cheating are greater? I don’t know.
All my life I’ve tried to resist stereotypes such as “men are children” “men are like babies” “he has Peter Pan syndrome.” But now I’m wondering how a gender who can’t think past their genitals has grown to have so much power and control in the world.
There are exceptions, of course.
I’m sure there must be, but…
My brother cheated on his wife of over 25 years. He’s now married to his OW (other woman) and they have a new baby. She’s a wonderful person whom we have all embraced. But hardly anyone bothers to ask about what happened to his first wife or the despair she felt. She had severe mental illness and the toll was simply too great on my brother. I’m not excusing him. I wish so much he had left her before he began his new relationship. He says he was just about to tell her he was leaving when their oldest child (in her early 20s at the time) somehow ran across an email between him and his then mistress. His daughter spilled the beans. I haven’t given enough thought to how on earth his first wife lived through that trauma, especially given her very weak mental health.
My father cheated on my mother more than once. When they were young, not long after I was born, my mom answered the door to find a woman who was pregnant with my dad’s baby. My mom began divorce proceedings and they were separated for some time, but ultimately they got back together.
Later on he cheated on her after he stopped into a high school reunion and ran into an old flame. Then they broke up for a few years and actually got divorced. After a while my mother’s financial situation became dire, so my father remarried her and moved in with her to be able to offer her his medical benefits. But they never shared a bed after that. She has tried to pretend since they remarried that their relationship is real, but the truth is, it is not based on anything except the feeling of duty my dad has towards her, but not love.
The two men I love most in this world have hurt women in just the way I have been hurt. Their hearts break for me, but do they realize this is the same pain they inflicted on someone they once loved? Does it cause them to reflect at all on their actions?
And now, after my own experience of infidelity, I am beginning to wonder if there are any men out there who can control their dicks. If there are any men, who find themselves dissatisfied in a relationship, who can think back to what their partner meant to them at one time, and truly give sincere effort into trying to fix what feels broken before fucking someone else, or simply walking away. You adored her. You couldn’t get enough of her. You were with her during the births of your children, the loss of your parents. You built a life and home together. Why not try to fix it? Why throw it all away for a new vagina? Why don’t you seem to FEEL anything, suddenly? What happened to you?
I don’t mean to be vulgar or too graphic, but why is it difficult for men to stay attracted to the same woman for a long time? I also don’t want to be simple, but I have found that if I love the man, I love his dick and the rest of his body. They don’t have to be perfect. Besides, when I’m aiming towards an orgasm, I’m in my head in my own fantasy, I don’t need a new body or dick, I just use my imagination. And no, I don’t fantasize that he’s someone else fucking me. I’m just in my head in another scenario.
And this male midlife crisis thing is a bit insane. I feel it’s been made worse in the last decade due to medications for erectile disfunction. Apparently wives are finding the prescription hidden away after they’ve discovered the infidelity. They bought them for their mistress but not for their wife? They assume the wife isn’t interested, I guess.
So, some men are finding that they have this issue, and having found a way to deal with it, think it’s okay to go put their newly revived dick into another woman’s vagina.
I’m sorry to admit that I feel that either these men are deeply flawed, or I’ve given far too much credit for men being practical, wise, and honest.
Right now, I’d just like to be able to think of JUST ONE man who has managed to stay faithful to his wife or partner. But I’m coming up blank.
No wonder women my age end up finding feminism and taking up women’s rights issues. They’re in shock at the realization that nothing mattered more to their husband than the next orgasm with a new woman.
Is it wiring? Is it the excuse of the primal need to reproduce? If so, why have we continued this charade of marriage? Why bother? Why not drop it? These men have discovered the universe, mathematics, the cures for diseases and they can’t control their dicks?
I like sex. A lot. I’m missing it a lot. But I was so loyal, not only to my husband, but to his dick, which I loved. In fact it was mine. It belonged to me. I knew it better than anyone else did so the betrayal when he gave it to someone else hurt me deeply.
Our society looks at some women over fifty if she’s been abandoned and think she must be flawed. She must be bitter. She must hate sex. She becomes “invisible” and so she is either ignored or written off. People don’t want to see her. Perhaps she makes them uncomfortable. They’d like her to go away.
But perhaps this isn’t really about sex. Perhaps it’s all about ego. The idea that the OW finds you attractive and would let you put your dick in her is simply too much for you to control.
Do you realize how stupid this makes you look?
And you are in charge of the red phone and other major decisions? My god, why? You’re unstable!
I do not want this experience to make me a BITTER WOMAN, but I have faced realities I never thought I’d face and I’m being forced to try to figure out why it happened and I have discovered it’s extremely common. It’s easier for “people” to call me and other women bitter, than to a.) see the pain they’ve cause us, and b.) just not cheat.
I wish a few men read my blog so that they could give me a clear, enlightened view point. I really do. I’m desperate to know that I could be wrong. I’d like to be wrong.
I’m resentful that my lifelong ideal that there were men out there who loved monogamy has been wrong. I want that ideal back. It gave me hope.
I don’t want to be labeled bitter and then promptly ignored. I gave him everything I had, every penny I had, but the appeal of fucking another, younger American pussy was more powerful than all that I had given him. How dare I become depressed because he never held a job or contributed to our expenses!
This week was yet another turning point for me. When I speak to him he acts lonely and behaves as though he barely talks to anyone. He told me I could cancel his phone extras because he doesn’t text with anyone or even talk to that many people.
And then I finally actually looked at the cell phone bill I’ve been paying for seven months and the reality just hit me in my fucking face. He’s not lonely. He’s not alone. He’s very, very busy. He may think he’s saying those things so as not to cause me further pain, but in truth he’s saying those things because he’s ashamed of his behavior. But he’d never admit that.
I still love and desire him, but I don’t like him anymore. I will never reconcile with him now that I know the pain he is capable of inflicting, not that he’s asked me to reconcile. I don’t want that beautiful dick now that it’s been inside another woman. I don’t want him comparing me to the 20 somethings he has fucked.
People tell me not to trust him for a moment regarding him giving me half his settlement money and I am now going to take steps to ensure that I get it. I can’t simply take his word that he’ll give it to me. I am prone to over-trust. I am prone to naivety. He’ll now start calling me a mistrustful hard-ass, but I must take this very seriously since it’s my only chance of getting on my feet after he destroyed me financially.
Deep inside I can still feel a flicker of the love and excitement I have for men. I pray that I will someday find a man who loves my love and my love making and feels lucky to be with me.
Starting weight: 267 (mid October 2013)
Today’s weight: 202
Total weight loss to date: 65 pounds
Goal weight: about 150 (about 52 pounds to go)