Like Blanche du Bois, I am not my circumstances.

I’m not happy that losing weight has become so hard. I don’t eat very much. In order to lose weight I have to be super vigilant. It’s not fun. And my nerves are shot so I just want to comfort myself, mostly with candy. I didn’t exercise during the weekend except for one hour of weeding on Saturday, which was pretty hard work. This morning I really did not feel like going to the pool, but I forced myself.

I am surprisingly sore in spots, I think because I stretched too much on Friday. I did get a good one hour workout in today, but my heart wasn’t in it. I spent far too much time thinking about my husband, and what a first rate chump I am. I realize that humiliation and shame are getting in the way of my progress.

I’m humiliated because I knew right away that he was not what he said he was and yet I didn’t put an end to it. I’m ashamed that I allowed my money to disappear all in the name of “believing in him.”

I’m ashamed that everyone thought he was a con man but me. And he conned me, big time. I thought that underneath his failings he was a good person, but I think I was wrong there. A good person never would not have abandoned me and replaced me the moment I ran out of money.

I’m humiliated because, while he set me free in some ways sexually, he also did things that I didn’t like and that were demeaning to me. Things that I asked him time and time again to stop doing. He also has a few photos and a couple of videos that I’m sure he’ll never delete. I can’t even bear to think about it. He’s the sort of man who would occasionally chat with other men online about his wife and share photos (there are men who do that). My god, my photos could be anywhere. Talk about being as mature as a 16 year old.

I’m humiliated that I’m so naive and have believed him all these months that he’s not paying bills, etc. So I continued to pay his cell phone bill. How can I be so stupid? As I said the other day, he eats, he smokes, he drinks, he buys clothing, he obviously has electricity and water — WHERE THE FUCK IS HE GETTING THE MONEY? His folks don’t have much but they probably can send him a little. His friend loans him money every few months but he goes through that in a few days. How is he living?

He’s living on another woman, that’s how.

She’s paying for stuff just like I did. She’s a chump too. He pays her with his charm, his wit, his intellect, and his dick. She probably does live there, and that’s why he doesn’t want me coming inside to get the rest of my things. It makes me ill to know she sits on my furniture and thinks these things are his. They are not his, not when he brought nothing into the marriage.

Here I am trying to form myself into something respectable when there’s nothing respectable about me at all. I’m trying to have dignity, but why? I haven’t acted with dignity throughout my marriage.

I’m trying to convince myself that someone “normal” will come along and want me and see beyond my present circumstances. They’ll see I’m loving, charming, intelligent, pretty, and generous. They’ll somehow see my potential.

No, they’ll see a foolish woman and a stupid woman and a classless woman.

How do you wash that away?

How do you explain away four marriages?

How do you explain that you lost your money and your house and now have nothing?

I often say that I don’t want to even start thinking about another man yet, not until I am at a normal weight. But what about all those things about me that I can’t change? The fact that I have no friends or social circle. The fact that I have wasted much of my life being severely medicated for mental illness and have been hospitalized many times. The fact that I haven’t worked outside the home for ten years now. I’m not normal, I’m very abnormal.

Only someone with a twisted side will want me. What other faults will he have? I shudder to think.

This is why I need to reinvent myself but do it honestly. I need to keep my nose down. I need to volunteer and do good. I need to lose weight and get fit. I need to continue on my path to good mental health. I need to work or make something of my website.

I need to do all of those things and keep my head down and act with dignity.

I am not those things. I truly am not. I am so much more.

I lost my way. I’m not even sure how. I just got lost.

Now that I have awoken, I see that the damage is severe. The path of destruction behind me is so wide that I can’t seem to get far from it.

I sort of hope, that when the time comes, when there is another man in my life, that he accepts that I have a few secrets because I am not the person who did those things. I don’t want to keep having to pay for them.

It probably sounds ridiculous, but I honestly do relate to Blanche du Bois from Streetcar Named Desire. She could have gone on to marry Mitch and left her past behind her because she was a lady inside and a good person. She had a young husband who killed himself. She took care of all her old relatives as the money ran out. Eventually she ended up being the town bicycle while trying to keep up the facade of being a southern belle. But Stan had to go tell Mitch about her sordid past and when she realized she had no one and never would have anyone (oh, and Stan raped her for fun), she lost her mind. I understand, Blanche.

Blanche deserved a chance at happiness. She would have been a fine partner for Mitch. She was robbed of it by crude, low class, and shallow thinking Stan.

I want my story, unlike Blanche’s, to have a happy ending. I am not my circumstances. Someone will see that someday.

 

 

 

 

 

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