Well, it finally happened, I fought (loudly) with my husband today.
I had just left my counselor and told my husband I’d stop by for the latest batch of my possessions he is packing up for me, I figured it would be a hit and run event because I had no desire to chat with him. He was standing outside near the curb with the bins I had given him when I pulled up.
I could tell something was up right away when he said, “Can I ask you something?” And I know when he says that, I’m in for it.
He asked me why I was being threatening in my email to him (and I wish I had not been) but I said, “You threaten people constantly. You only respond to threats.”
He said, “You know I do not respond to threats. Get an attorney and sue me if you want to.”
I said, “Look, you can’t want to give me half your settlement –” and he cut me off before I could finish. He misunderstood what I was saying and I tried to explain that I was only trying to protect what is rightfully mine. Then he said I have no reason to mistrust him because the primary reason he’s giving me half his money is to be a ‘fuck you’ to my mom and dad for not believing in him.
So I said, “Not because I lost everything I had thanks to my involvement with you?”
Then he began to tell me I have trust issues and I sort of lost it. I said, “I trusted you to go out seven nights a week and you fucked other women. I had trust.”
He became extremely irate then and I closed the doors to the car and got into the driver’s seat and started the car. He was screaming at me to unwind the window and I said no. I really did think he was going to break my car window, he was completely out of control and that’s when I said the things I have never had the chance to say.
He was accusing me, as usual of being the one to start everything and telling me all my many faults. I said something about him fucking other women. Putting his cock in other women’s filthy cunts. He accused me of overreacting and I said, “I have a right to be mad. What you did is just exactly the right reason to be mad. There’s no other way to feel!”
He went to the front of the car and said he wasn’t moving until I opened the window. I said, “Move!” He said no. He said he’d rip my car apart with his bare hands. (I think he wanted me to unroll my window so he could lie to me some more about how he never fucked anyone until after I left, which is a lie).
I said I’d call the police and he said, “Do it.”
I said, “You don’t want me to.”
He said, “Do it, I’m calling your bluff.” (My god why doesn’t he know I will call them. I’ve called them before when he would not let me leave.)
I said, “Get out of the way. You don’t want me to. For the sake of your kids move out of the way.
He kept baiting me to call the police. Finally when he moved away from the front of the car I tried to drive off. He was screaming at my window again saying that I can no longer contact his daughters. I am forbidden to talk with them. I said, “They call me.” He said he’d tell them they are not allowed to talk to me any more. I doubt he’ll do that when he calms down, but even if he does, his kids will call me if they want to.
He was screaming at me, “Bye Martha! By Martha!” as I drove off. Which is my mother’s name. He always knew that comparing me to my mother was a huge insult to me.
Within a minute he was calling and texting but I didn’t respond. He eventually texted that I could call ATT and divide up our accounts. He’d be responsible for his and me, mine, so I took a few minutes in the parking lot at the crafts store to call them. And now, after seven months of me paying all the bill, his line is no longer my problem.
If it was that fucking easy, why didn’t he do it months ago when I asked over and over again?
Anyway, it’s a minor victory to not have that expense any longer.
I texted him that I gave them permission to separate the accounts and I took the opportunity to tell him I didn’t want to talk to him on the phone any more and that I’d be in touch at the beginning of June to get most of my furniture.
I’ve been numb ever since but not in a down way, just truly numb. As I was screaming obscenities at him for the first time over him cheating on me I was thinking to myself, ‘Well, you wanted this opportunity. Here it is.’ But it felt hollow and not very satisfying. Still, I don’t regret it.
I saw his extreme anger and his ability to blame everyone but himself for his situation. I saw as he insulted me, put me down, called me names. But in the middle of it all I thought, ‘gosh, that’s a bad haircut.’ And I thought about how utterly sad it was to me that he had a food grease stain at the collar of his white t-shirt and it just broke my heart. I wanted to take him and hold him. I hated that he looked so bad.
I let him have it for a few sentences, but my heart wasn’t really in it. In the past I’ve been so mad at him that I’ve literally seen red and foamed at the mouth. To be honest, I just couldn’t give it the energy. It was rather eye-opening.
The most fascinating thing was that I didn’t cry then and I didn’t cry later. His words no longer have the power to hurt me! What an incredible relief that is. There were countless times when his insults truly felt like knives in my body.
If he had had a gun at that moment, he would have killed me. This is how angry he becomes, very quickly.
But what I had on my mind is my website and how I am ready to take it to the next level. I made some promises to my counselor today that by the time I saw her in two weeks, I’d have made certain calls which will get me on the road to turning my website into SOMETHING.
My dream for it is huge but it is do-able and fun. And I live in a mid sized town that has one of everything and if you tell them it’s for kids, they’ll help you. I’m ready to begin my empire.
I don’t even really want to spend much time on the Chump Lady website. Reading about the men (and a few women) who did far worse than what my husband did to me. It’s depressing.
I’m not a chump. I’m someone who loved and gave and lost it all.