I was very worried about what I would weigh this morning; I struggle so much with evening munching these days.
I was 202 last Sunday and the Sunday before, but thank God today I was 200.2. I’m calling it 200. There’s no doubt in my mind, that sometime this week, I’ll get below 200 for the first time in perhaps 15-20 years.
I don’t know what I weighed for so long, because as I struggled with my weight and watched it continue to go higher, when I did go to the doctor I asked them not to tell me what I weighed and I’d look away from the digital reading. They respected that. But should they have?
Yesterday Old Navy had a sale on all their khakis so I went to see if I liked any. I ended up buying a pair in size 16, which sounds so small to me, but I realize it’s not. My size 18s are on the looser side, my size 16s are a bit snug or fit fine.
I shop at Old Navy because they’re ridiculously cheap. At almost 57 I have to select my clothes carefully there because I do not want to be seen as someone who dresses in an age inappropriate way. I am not into crop tops or super skinny pants. Someday I hope to have money to shop elsewhere too.
One way for me to remember that I may feel small, but I’m not small, is to try on clothes that are too small. It wakes you right up and can make you feel you haven’t lost any weight at all! I am truly enjoying wearing clothes that fit me; they are another factor to help me not re-gain the weight.
I’ve mentioned that odd feeling of taking up less space and feeling like I can’t imagine getting smaller, which makes no sense when you’re still 50 pounds overweight. But I suppose when you’ve been big for a long time it takes a while to get used to one’s new dimensions. When I lie on my side in my bed and my knees are touching, it’s uncomfortable because much of the old padding is gone. I’ll often accidentally touch my thigh and think, oh my gosh, that’s firm!
It’s funny what weight looks like on different bodies. My mother, twenty years older, and two inches shorter, weighs about 180 and she alway gets digs in that she weighs less than me. But the difference between a body that works out and a body that does not, is astounding.
I’ve settled into a Monday through Friday exercise routine of swimming for an hour. On the weekend I try to get out for a good walk, but the weather does not always permit. Half the time when I need to get dressed and get to the pool, I really don’t want to go. I truly am forcing myself. I am thankful that going to the pool has become a habit and grateful that weather rarely keeps me from it.
My swim routine doesn’t change that much. That way, if I forget how many laps I’ve done, I know I need to last the hour. I generally don’t forget when I got there. I warm up in the water for only a minute or two and then begin slow freestyle laps.
I do 20-24 lengths freestyle and then four of breast stroke, two side stroke, two back stroke, and two lengths of the dolphin kick on my back and then I do that two more times and the hour is up. I spend close to 15 minutes cooling down and stretching in the water. That routine is about 30 lengths times three = ninety. Ninety laps of 25 meters comes to about 1.4 miles. That would not be much of a workout on land but in the pool it can be.
For the last couple months I have tried to improve my form and swim stronger and faster to burn more calories and gain muscle. It’s hard to tell if I’m improving in that regard. Sometimes the entire first set feels difficult and more like a warm up, which it probably is. That’s the period where my body is saying “Just forget this swimming stuff.” I’m hitting the endorphin phase in my second set and so it feels pretty good, but during the last set, especially the last ten lengths or so I feel exhausted, but still determined. It’s almost always a struggle to get to the end of the three sets, but I rarely skimp unless I’m running late.
Swimming is like any other exercise, you get out of it what you put into it. Staying in the pool and not challenging myself, doing slow laps on my back in a lazy frog kick, will not burn many calories. You must swim cleaner, better, faster, stronger, longer.
I know I need a few lessons, but I can’t afford it right now. I am going to hate to realize all the things I do wrong. Many non swimmers don’t realize how very technical swimming is. I haven’t had a lesson since high school and while the movement is as natural to me as hopping on a bike, my technique is probably lacking. I do benefit from watching swimming videos on YouTube, of which there are many.
I’ve spoken to my counselor and my parents about taking my website to a whole new level and I’ve had so many ideas ricocheting around my head that I finally put it on paper, which was fun. But afterwards I felt that it was really ridiculous for me to attempt something so huge all on my own. A habit I have of talking myself out of something challenging.
Plus, I don’t trust my own judgement on whether it’s a good idea or not. I suppose the good news is that it will cost next to nothing to try, so I have little to lose and everything to gain.
I’ve written to my second cousin who will be moving to town in a month or so to ask him if he’d be interested in working with me. He composes music for video games, believe it or not. And I need a young sound person, one I can trust. I don’t know him well, but I’ve heard many good things about him. Because my website is for teens, primarily, I need some youthful concepts to go with my ideas.
This week I plan to get in touch with some people from the media departments at the local colleges. I have to start this, and if I wait for all the students to be on their summer break, I’ll have less to choose from. I am really, really nervous about this.
I wrote to my husband and asked him how much of the business he wants in order not to sue me later. He has not replied.
I figure he really despises me now that we had that altercation and he made a fool of himself in public. Funny thing, I realized later that when I got out of the car I was facing a man who desperately needed a cigarette. I’ve seen that look on his face many hundreds of times and it’s a time to step back and let him have his way, because there was nothing that could compare to his ugliness while in that state. Nothing. I’m not exaggerating. There were many times when he’d try to quit when I’d honestly feel like lighting one for him and putting it between his lips.
Since that’s the first time I’ve really lost it since we separated, he is probably feeling pretty smug with himself — “See, she hasn’t changed!” But I don’t really care what he thinks of me any more. His perception is utterly skewed and I feel sorry for him. I tried to hate him this week, but I don’t. I love him. I just don’t like him much. And I don’t want him back.
Sometimes I used to say that I didn’t want him back and wonder if I meant it. I said it because for me, putting your dick in another woman is a deal breaker in a relationship, married or not. I knew I’d never recover from it. But still, I didn’t quite believe myself when I said I didn’t want him back. Now I do, so I guess that’s progress.
Oh yes, and I heard from his daughter that it’s okay for them to contact me. He must have realized how stupid that sounded to forbid me from interacting with them. Not an easy feat these days when they don’t even live with him.
This week will have challenges that I’m quite nervous about, but will force myself to do them. I honestly think that forcing myself to exercise has shown me that I can force myself to do other things I’m hesitant to do.
I love the pool. I love the water as much today as I did seven months ago when I started swimming. I am convinced that exercise is the key to alievating my anxiety and depression and is far more effective than any pill I could pop.
Starting weight: 267 (mid October 2013)
Today’s weight: 200
Total weight loss to date: 67 pounds
Goal weight: about 150 (about 50 pounds to go)