And the Drumroll Begins

I guess I must just not want to be a healthy weight. If I did, I’d try harder. I didn’t do well this week, and I won’t be a bit surprised if I am the same or gained a little.

Very discouraged.

This week I did reach out and start telling people about plans for my website. I emailed about 25 people in all. Every time I emailed someone I chewed the skin on my fingers and wanted to get up and go find something to munch in the kitchen. My anxiety and this project are connected.

I’m afraid to get up tomorrow and weigh, but I will. I have no choice.

Interestingly I have noticed a sliming in my butt and hips this last two weeks (my clothes are looser there) because I’ve started really challenging myself doing the dolphin kick on my back, and just a regular kick on my back in the pool. I go as fast as I can with my hands up behind me to touch the wall. I really, really push myself. It hurts! But I want muscle and strength.

It was not easy to go to the pool M-F, but I did it. I even considered going today, but thought by now my body really needs a day of rest, especially my arms. I should have gone out to walk, and I still may. I don’t know yet.

I spoke to my step daughters in London. One of them said they might be here in July. I was shocked. When I got done talking to them I messaged my husband and asked him if that were true. He said it’s a big “if.” I asked if he’s been working on their visas and he said no. I asked if he had plans to stay here or leave the area, he said it all depended on the case. I said ok. And that was that.

Then I thought, but the case won’t settle until October, so why are the girls saying they’ll maybe be here in July?

I fear he will get that money and up and leave. I’ve sent his attorney two emails asking to come meet him to talk about this agreement my husband and I have to share his settlement, but he has not contacted me. After this holiday weekend I will get more aggressive.

I felt my heart pounding, wondering if my husband has been paying money for visas, and making plans to bring the kids over when he has done so little for me. He’s such a secretive person! He always said everything was on a “need to know basis” and I’m just not that calculating.

Today I remembered something that happened after we had been together about a year and a half. We had not been getting along. I had him sleeping in my guest bedroom. I had been asking him to leave. I had found a huge stash of porn of really fat ladies on his computer and I was so grossed out. That’s not the only reason we were fighting, just one.

(He can say he really likes big women, but to me there’s nothing sexy about that kind of body. Knowing that’s the kind of body I had made me hate myself more. Plus they all looked like strumpets!)

So, the next morning I wake up and move about the condo quietly and by about 4pm I thought, wow, this is sleeping pretty late, even for him. I went to check on him and came in and saw that he was gone.

All day I thought he was in there asleep.

I began to scream.

It wasn’t too long before he contacted me and told me he had returned to London because life with me was unbearable. Then I found out he had used my credit card to buy his fucking ticket and I was furious. He told me not to panic, that he’s send me the money right away, but I didn’t believe him. He did pay me relatively quickly, to his credit, or I should say his parents paid me.

He then told me he left a note for me in a drawer at the bottom of the stairs. I said, “How was I supposed to know it was there?” I can’t recall much of it, but it was mostly about how awful I am to live with and how he can’t take it any more. And even though I knew that we had no business being together and were worlds apart in every way, I was absolutely devastated that he had left.

I ended up taking an overdose and being hospitalized, of course. Within a few weeks we made plans for me to go there to England to live for a while, and that began the beginning of us traipsing back and forth. And my money started to slip between my fingers.

But the idea that he was capable of slinking off in the middle of the night without facing me, and using my money to do it. I should have realized: THAT IS WHO HE IS.

And that is the man I fear now will take his money and go.

Divorce attorneys don’t work on contingency basis, so if I want to hire one, the only thing I have left is a gold ring worth a couple thousand at most. I paid $5,000 for it four years ago, so I don’t really know what I could get for it. But I suppose I might be able to retain someone with it.

I hate to. It’s the only nice thing I have left and I’d never be able to replace it. Sigh.

I would like a consultation, at least, because I think there’s something to the fact that he has not started divorce proceedings yet. Perhaps it’s good for the case that we’re still married? Perhaps it’s good for the girl’s visas if we’re still married? Will I get fucked over if he doesn’t give me that money because we’re still married? I need to find out.

All this time I thought we’d take care of the divorce after the settlement, plus I had hoped he’d help me get a UK visa. It’d be so nice to have.

He acts like I’m being unreasonable when I suggest he would bail on me, when he has done it before. This money is the only thing I might be able to get my hands on to pull myself up and have an independent life again.

I’d love to have my own small home someday! I’d love to have my stuff out of storage once and for all and quit fucking moving. I may even stay here because my parents like me to be here, but at least I would know it was a choice I made, not that I had to stay here.

Several times this week I tried to talk myself out of my idea for the website but it always kept coming back to not having anything to lose. I doubted the idea this week as well. Is it stupid? Will anyone like it? And again I realized if I surround myself with talented people, it has a chance.

When I tell people my ambition their eyes get huge. I wish I could share it here, but not yet. But it is a massive idea.

I think to myself, hey, you’re going on 57. You can’t be an entrepreneur now! It’s too late for you. And then I think, fuck it, why not now? Why not me?

Even if I fall on my face, I will have:

  1. Met new people.
  2. Taken a chance.
  3. Followed through.

Working through my fears is something I have never learned. I have always chickened out at the last minute, ALWAYS.

When I was 18 I wanted to go audition with a rock band and I got to the place and couldn’t open my mouth. No confidence at all. And I just left.

I have a lifetime of push coming to shove and then just turning tail and giving up.

One reason I can’t do that with this project is that if my brother is recommending me to people I do not want to seem like a flake. It would make him look bad and I won’t do that to him. The idea that he is taking me seriously makes me feel good. That must mean he doesn’t think I’m crazy or stupid. I respect his opinion so much that his faith in me is a real boost.

If my plan succeeds, and that is a big “if.” But if it did succeed, it would have so much potential that it might give jobs to my brother, daughter, me and many others. Plus it’d be fun.

And to say it was my dream and I made it happen. Well, I want to know what that feels like just once in my life.

The internet has made fortunes for people and given unknown people the chance to be famous when they would never had had the opportunity without it. I don’t care to be famous, per se, but I do care to make money and help support my family. My mom still works now and then and I know she’d love to give it up. My dad only just retired a year ago and he’s almost 80. I’d love to be able to help them.

I’m making a frittata tonight and I think it’s going to be good. But the drumroll has begun: will I make it to 199 tomorrow?



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s