Not in a good place. Hanging on to hope.

I am certain if I weighed right now, I would weigh more than I did on Sunday. I have begun eating candy like I used to, by the bagful, and it is really upsetting.

I have also destroyed my hands by biting the skin on them. They hurt so much.

It’s embarrassing to admit both of those things. But I am a high strung, nervous person and that is what I do to myself. That is why I am fat in the first place.

Every day I get up thinking I will get it under control today. Every day after I swim it goes downhill. I eat a good breakfast but when I’m done swimming it’s several hours later and from then on I make bad eating decisions.

And swimming yesterday was horribly difficult. From the beginning to the end I was exhausted and wanted to get out. I never found a zone. Never got my mind off of how hard it was. I realized I was sore from picking weeds this weekend. I’m not sure if I should take two whole days off from swimming.

I am at a crucial place in my health/weight loss journey. I must find strength somewhere to get back on track. I can’t stop now.

I vow here to go back to no sugar except what is in my one or two cups of coffee a day. I’ve done that since the beginning with no ill effects. I say that here, but I say it without a lot of confidence. If I can just get today under my belt, perhaps tomorrow will come easier. I don’t know. But I have to try.

I do see my GP today. I’m going to talk to her about an ugly bump on my shin that I want removed, about my (self diagnosed) irritable bowel syndrome, about taking over prescribing my anti-depressant since my psychiatric nurse practitioner has moved away, about hormones and thinning hair. I won’t be chatting with her about my weight, but I just feel going there and weighing officially might help me.

Tomorrow I see my counselor, so I’ll definitely bring it up with her.

I’m nervous because of the website project. I’m filled with self doubt about it. I’m utterly baffled by whether it’s a good idea or a ridiculous thing to attempt. Although those things aren’t mutually exclusive.

The “wise” thing to do would be to get a good job with benefits. Even typing this I have to laugh. You know how hard it is to do that these days? I do apply for jobs now and then, but I never get a call back for an interview. Is it my age? My lack of recent work experience? Something else that pops up on my resume that I cannot see? I don’t know.

The truth is that I am not certain I am capable of working full time yet. That is one reason why I am volunteering, to see if I can get back into the working world. I need to have a little more patience with myself.

In addition to worrying about my website project, I am very aware that my husband has pulled away from me completely. He doesn’t contact me about anything any more and it just feels so weird. Like he never existed. Yet he did/does.

I worry that when I don’t hear from him that perhaps he’s left.

It’s impossible for me not to think that to him, I am nothing. Not worthy of even remembering.

He abandoned me. Discarded me. And now he is behaving as though I never existed at all. The humiliation of it seems never ending.

In spite of the fact that I’d like contact with his daughters when they finally move here, I really would prefer if he’d leave town. I don’t think he will at this point. Where else can he go?

The other day when we were bickering he basically “threatened” to drop his case and return to the UK as though to punish me for wanting some of his settlement. I said, “No you won’t. You’re not doing the case for me. You’re doing it because it’s your last chance to…” And he interrupted me to say he would drop it if he wanted to. That this case won’t make or break him.He made it clear that he is better than his lawsuit. This is the story of his life, never admitting to his failures. Refusing to admit that he needs this settlement to have a future. Trust me, he has no future without it. Unless he finds a woman to support him.

If he were to return to the UK, he’d settle into a dismal life of living off benefits again. I think he would rather die than go back to that life.

Even with his settlement, it’s no guarantee that things will work out for him. He has a history of things falling through his fingertips. Of course he places the blame for that on everyone else, primarily his mother and father. At this point I imagine I only remind him of his failings.

I am sad that I still see things on the news or online that I’d love to talk with him about and find out his opinion. I really liked sharing things with him and running ideas by him. I hate that he’s taken that away from me. I hate that I miss and love him in spite of how I do not exist to him. I feel like crying now.

It’s so pathetic. Yesterday I had the tiniest interaction with a man about my age at the pool. He asked if he could cut through my lane to exit the pool and I said, “Of course.” He was apologetic about doing it and I said, “No. I do it too.” He said when he attempts to hop out of the pool it’s not a pretty sight. I laughed and said, “I understand. In my 17 year old mind it’s effortless, but in real life it’s pretty awful. I’ll spare myself that humiliation.” He laughed and told me to have a nice swim.

I thought about that interaction for the rest of my swim. How nice it was to talk with a man my age. How nice it was to see him smile and laugh. Talking to someone with a swim cap on AND goggles and no make up really allows no airs at all. You are what you are. I really liked his eyes and his smile. I liked his sense of humor. I doubt I’ll ever see him again. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him before.

Shows how lonely I am.

This type of post should not even go public. It’s just me being tense and whining. What good does it do me or anybody else for me to share thoughts like this? Nevertheless, I’ll eventually hit the “publish” button.

Ever since I began reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder I feel 1.) that the description fits my husband perfectly, and 2.) that I was a horrible sucker for being singled out by him and used by him. I hate that he destroyed my view of people in the world. I hate that I was so stupid I lost everything I had to this man and his ideas. I am filled with shame.

I feel like a broken record. When people complain about the same things over and over again then they must not be trying very hard to change things.



2 responses to “Not in a good place. Hanging on to hope.

  1. You are so full of self-doubt! You even feel like you shouldn’t publish the post… I can relate, I’ve felt that way too, but it’s only self-doubt. Afraid to be me. I love your story about the man in the pool. That’s so cool you had the interaction. With me it would have ended with saying of course. This shows you do have social skills and you do interact well with others. Keep believing in yourself. Stop eating candy! You can do this! Don’t let a little setback stop you, we all have them. Think about how well you are doing and how much you’ve accomplished. A healthy breakfast and a good swim are way more than you used to do, so give yourself some credit for that.

  2. Thank you for the encouragement, Cynthia. It means a lot to me. I will get back on the horse today and yes, I’ll stop to acknowledge what I’ve already accomplished.

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