I had an interesting talk with my counselor yesterday. I attempted to explain to her that I am now at a spot I have been at many times before in my life. Nervous, self doubting, wondering if I’m deluded or not. These things cause me to eat more, chew my fingers, want to stop exercising. Make knee jerk life decisions.
All my life I’ve been a quitter. When things get hard, I just give up. But all my life I’ve also had what some people might consider unrealistic dreams. I guess it depends on who you are. If I had confidence and some success already under my belt my so-called unrealistic dreams would be do-able and reachable and people would consider me a genius. But because I am timid, shy, and afraid, my dreams will remain dreams and out of reach.
I’d like this pattern to stop. But at almost 57 perhaps it’s too late for me to try to reinvent myself.
These are heady thoughts that I can hardly put into words. Being me really wears me out. It’s utterly exhausting. I’m not sure if this is part of me being borderline, but it’s hard. It’s the thing I will regret as I lay on my death bed. Why didn’t I try harder to finish something?
I really hate knowing I’ve been given the BPD label. It’s common these days that if a woman is a high strung mess she’s borderline. In fact, any woman we don’t like or we feel behaves badly is borderline. Not that many people even know what makes a person qualify as borderline; they just use it to describe despicable people. No one stops to think about how exhausting it is to be borderline.
Perhaps I’m a slightly different sort of BPD because I’m aware of my bad behavior to a fault. In fact I feel terrible guilt and shame over my past behavior.
I’ve also been labeled as chronically depressed and have general anxiety disorder so perhaps it’s the combination of the three labels that makes me the unique loser that I am. (I know. Stop calling myself names).
After many years of psychiatric drugs and counseling all I did was get worse and get fatter. I ruined a relationship with a very good man who I could have very easily been happy with for the rest of my life. I fucking ruined it. I’ll be consumed with guilt over that for the rest of my life.
My counselor says perhaps I am romanticizing that relationship and I think she’s right, but I did ruin it. I could have still been with him.
I was going to add to that paragraph, “He would never have hurt me.” But in truth he did hurt me. He gave up on me. But who can blame him? I don’t blame him. He had every good reason to give up on me.
It’s all well and good to tell me not to wallow in this shame. After all, what good does it do?
But realizing all this about myself doesn’t do much for my confidence when I think about finding love again with someone “respectable.” It’s as though I don’t think I really deserve a decent man. I already ruined the only relationship I had with a decent man. Do I deserve another chance?
I like to think I do but only time will tell.
I have not been reading my ACT book as much as I’d like to, but I think about one of the aspects of it which is doing things within our own moral code. This is something I want to be more aware of as I go forward in my life.
I knew from the beginning that my husband (current one) and I differed morally. It always made things difficult. In the end his extreme lack of morality caused him to cheat on me and ruthlessly dump me.
Yet he’d be the one to tell me I’m full of shit calling him on morals. He’d blame me instead.
Regardless, our morals are different and I tried to convince myself that I could have different morals, more in line with his, but it never felt right, like wearing a coat three sizes too small. It didn’t fit. Period.
I am very self aware right now. (At least I think I am). And I know I 1.) Don’t want to regain any weight and in fact want to continue losing weight; 2.) Want to see my website dream come true, or get realistic and get a decent job, and 3.) Eventually hope to have a new and great love in my life.
I realize I have just let my website dream go down the drain because I’ve lost confidence in myself. I’ve been at this place so many times in my life I have lost count. I write that I want to see it through, but in truth I’ve already given up on it.
When I get to this point there’s almost no hope of talking myself back into it. It will only be half hearted. My foot is already out the door of it.
So even though I felt I really had nothing to lose I will probably stop moving forward on the website idea. Shame. I guess. I’ll never know.
I don’t think I can get hired, but I will begin to search more earnestly for a job. I need it to be a fairly secure job with benefits, so that makes it even harder. I will look for jobs with the city or the university, places like that.
I’ll get up and do forty hours, if I am “lucky” enough to get said job. And I’ll do my best to keep losing weight and squeeze in some exercise. But at least I will be able to give some money to my parents monthly, something I feel guilty about right now. A job, in fact, is probably how I will meet my next Mr. Right.
I also give a lot of thought to what I will do if there actually is settlement money from my husband’s lawsuit. There will be money, it’s a matter of how much. I suspect my share will be between $20,000 and $100,000. For so long I’ve dreamed of starting my own business but even if I got the highest amount, it’s not enough cushion to start my own business. Still, I’ll keep my eye on businesses that go up for sale, just in case.
In this town you can’t open a restaurant for much under $100,000 and for a long time my husband and I were going to do that. We’ve had a few amazing ideas that I know would be successful, but we just didn’t have the money to make it happen.
There’s a coffee shop in a good part of town that is for sale right now. If I had my hands on the money now, I’d seriously consider it. Opportunities like that are pretty rare here.
I just want something to devote myself to 110%. Something that exhausts me so that I don’t have time to dwell on my sad state, my husband, my nerves, my fat. But every single thing I can do has the potential to make me nervous, especially having my own business. Get real!
I guess at this point I’ll begin trying to improve my resume and applying for more jobs. I will also keep feelers out on businesses for sale.
I’ll try to write here more often as I’ve slacked off lately. It’s not that I feel I have interesting things to share, it’s that it’s my only place to be accountable. When Cynthia told me to “stop eating candy” I listened, and I haven’t had candy for two days. I can’t afford to let go of the tender grip I have on my health and fitness journey.
This journey is much more than simple “health and fitness” now that I think about it. It is also the key to my mental health.
As a side note, my husband and I spoke yesterday and I caught up on mundane things with his family and what’s happening in town. He is in a “I hate this town” mood and I am glad of that. I told him he’d be happier in a bigger city and that I think he should go. I can’t say enough how much I hope when he gets his settlement he leaves. I want my town back.
He also flirted with me and said, “I’m always going to flirt with you.” I said, “That’s okay. It’s not like I think you’re sincere.”
I feel sorry for him. And pity is what kept me with him for eight years. I also still find him interesting and I hate myself for that. But the bottom line is that I’d never take him back even if he wanted me, and I do hope he leaves the area.