Underneath it all, I love myself, and want more.

I knew I would not lose weight today, and I was right, in fact I was a couple of ounces higher at 199.8. Talk about not really being below 200!

It’s okay. I’m desperately trying to find a way to be gentle with myself as I am having a really rough time of it this week.

I had one of those Saturday nights that I have where I realize I’m the only one in the universe who is alone and he is out partying, drinking, and fucking. It’s horrendous for my ego. I must plan ahead for those rough Saturdays.

I look in the mirror and don’t recognize this older woman with lines and now sagging skin. Yet I want to be kind to her and acknowledge that she’s a good person and she’s working hard to pick herself up. Aging is not a crime.

I want to be able to say in a year or so that I handled this with as much dignity as I could muster, and so far that’s true with only a couple minor setbacks.

I want to meet some new people but I have no idea how to meet people around my age. When I’m out I take fleeting glances at men I suspect to be around my age and within seconds their woman joins them. I wouldn’t have the nerve to talk to them anyway, I’m simply trying to figure out who they are. When I left my “good” husband I was 48 and now I’m almost 57. My husband is eight years younger than I am so I almost feel I don’t know what men my age really look like or how they behave. It’s as though they are a different species.

And naturally I think that most 55 year old single men are looking for a woman in their 30s. And many of them are. The truth is that there are far more single women than men at this age. They can take their pick.

And I, who have never had a problem in my entire life attracting a man, simply don’t know how to do it any more.

I don’t want to be fat, so I’m trying to deal with that and get that under control. But I also fear I won’t be satisfied with anyone at this point in my life. I’ve become oddly choosey. I suppose that’d be okay if I had a fulfilling life in other ways, like my own business, and true friendships. I become so depressed when I consider that I may never make love again. You have to understand that I am a woman who got everything I had by relying on my physical appearance. And that appearance is now long gone. I need substance now. And inner confidence.

Well, I suppose by some standards I might be considered an “attractive older woman.” I don’t know.

I try to imagine the next man in my life and he won’t come into focus. Now that I’ve travelled and lived in a major capital city outside the U.S. many of my tastes have changed. I would appreciate a man who owns at least one pair of good leather shoes, and that includes leather on the bottom of the shoe, not rubber! Someone who appreciates a fine watch and delicious food.

I have no interest in a man who owns guns or who hunts. I want to travel, but I don’t want to go RVing.

I hardly have a right to be so choosy, but for the first time in my life I am going to try to be choosy. I have always denied huge parts of myself by trying to mold myself around the man. I don’t want to do that any more.

Somewhere inside I have hope that perhaps in six months or a year I’ll have a job or a business. I’ll have lost most of the rest of the weight. I’ll have a couple of friends and I’ll do things socially with them. I’ll keep myself guarded around the sort of men who want casual sex and one night stands and in the end I’ll meet someone who finds me interesting, attractive, and worthy of being a life partner. That’s the best case scenario in my mind. I pray I can even come close to that.

I’m going to have to ease back on my website idea for the time being. It’s causing me far too much stress which makes it impossible for me to lose weight. I need to go back to focusing on exercise, eating well, and finding ways to like myself. I desperately need to make a friend or two.

This morning I think I’ll go take a long, fast walk, and then come back and plant some heirloom tomato plants I bought yesterday for my parents. Then I’ll shower and consider putting some articles on my website. I need to put me first.

I’m so grateful for anyone who takes the time to read my ramblings. I just have to spit it out so that it doesn’t consume me.

These aren’t true new stats. These are last weeks. In truth I’m 3 ozs higher.

Sunday Stats
Starting weight: 267 (mid October 2013)
Today’s weight: 199.5
Total weight loss to date: 67.5 pounds
Height: 5’8″
Goal weight: about 150 (about 50 pounds to go)

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2 responses to “Underneath it all, I love myself, and want more.

  1. I don’t think your husband’s life is very glamorous. I think he must be totally stressed out all the time figuring out how to pay the rent and eat. He has no job. He has to rely totally on others. If he is going to the bar all the time, he has to worry how to pay for that too. I don’t think his life is anything to be jealous of. Stick to your values and you will be happy. You will be proud of yourself for living according to your values. You should be choosy about whoever you include in your life, you do have that right.

  2. It does all come down to values, doesn’t it? If I behave in a way that doesn’t fit with my values, it will not feel right. I know that from experience. Thanks for your comment and support, Cynthia.

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