Don’t wallow. Get up. Go out.

I spent quite a bit of time making chicken sate for my parents and I last night. It’s the first time I’ve made “real” peanut sauce from a recipe (and not from my head). I even bought fish sauce for it. Overall it was a great first attempt and I know where I’d tweak it when I make it again.

But then I went to the market, bought a package of mini marshmallows and over the course of the evening ate the entire thing.

Disgusting.

Couldn’t stop.

Today I get up and don’t feel well, not surprisingly. I feel tired and weak and I barely manage to do laps for 45 mins. I just have no strength or energy.

Yesterday I did over do it, I think. I walked fast for over an hour and today when I woke up I had heel pain, knee pain, hip pain, side pain, and back pain. So much for being in shape.

I presume some of that would go away if I walked more regularly, but some of it is that I am wonky for various reasons like weight and previous injuries.

My husband texted me on Saturday to say that the guy he’s suing is being requested to appear for a deposition in July, so that’s good. I tried to ask him a bit about it, but he said “chat later.” Which means, “It’s Saturday, you fucking bitch, I’m with my whore.”

I’m sorry.

I’m so, so sorry.

The only positive thing I have done and am looking forward to is I went to MeetUp.com and found a group for women who are in transition whether from a career or relationship, or whatever. It’s a small group, so far seven women, and they meet every two weeks. I signed up and will go tomorrow evening. I’m so nervous to try to present myself as someone bordering on normal. I’m not sure I can do it.

But I guess I can. I seem to do okay at my volunteer position.

By all appearances the group of women seem to be generally over 40, which is good. I am hoping that this leads the way for me to find just one decent friend. Someone I can chat on the phone to. Meet for coffee. Take a walk with. Go to a movie/party/drive with.

Just going to this one meeting is good, since I am so reluctant to put myself out there.

As far as my website, I have had to take a step back because the stress I was causing myself was becoming unbearable. I sent that email to about 25 people at the local community college and not one of them responded. How is that even possible?

My highest priority right now needs to be my physical health, mental health, and attempting to find a friend or two. That’s it. I can’t take anything else. Okay, except my volunteer job, but it’s only 2, four hour shifts a week.

I did spend quite a bit of time looking at want-ads this week, but found nothing I thought I should apply for.

When I get to this point, where I’m going in circles; where I am consumed with fear; when I begin to take more ativan than I want to that I remember why it is that being married and being the wife of someone, is easier for me than trying to figure out my life and my future. I have always put my own needs and desires aside, EASILY, because following through on them is terrifying to me.

It seems as if since Maya Angelou died that I have been reading so many quotes, from her and others, about courage, and how you can’t get anything done without it. This makes me so sad because I am so lacking in it. Well, it comes in fits and spurts. Like last year I flew on my last dime to a conference in NYC that I thought would benefit my website. Spent two nights there and was basically too shy to push myself on anyone. Came home and was then out of money. Was this a risk worth taking or sheer idiocy?

Well, for some it would have been a risk worth taking. For me it was not so smart. And I later learned that my husband, whom I was separated from at the time, thought I had lined something up with someone (a man) while I was in NYC, so he became so jealous that he was texting me and calling me the whole time I was there, which greatly took away from my experience.

He was so fragile that I didn’t dare ignore his calls and texts. I was trying to calm him down. Nothing like what he’s done for me these last several months.

I feel as though I was more together a couple of weeks ago than I am now and it’s very frustrating. I simply can’t imagine any sane man wanting anything to do with me. I’ve been married four times. Who’d want to get in the middle of that? I am so fucking ashamed.

And no, I would not have felt it was necessary to marry my current husband, but in order for us to be together, we had to marry since he was not a citizen of this country.

How can I tell anyone anything about myself without fear they’ll run away? Male or female?

If I heard this story from someone else, even I’d consider running away. Drama queen, Borderline — RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

I wrote some even more negative stuff and then erased it. What point is there in wallowing? I need to get up and do something. It’s a beautiful day.

Advertisements

4 responses to “Don’t wallow. Get up. Go out.

  1. I love chicken sate. Yum! Too bad about the marshmallows 😦 That is so awesome about going to the group. Don’t worry about what they think. Just take your time fitting in. You can be quiet, it’s perfectly ok to be shy. If you’re worried about how they will accept your story, just keep it brief at first until you get to know everyone. You are so lucky to have a group like this to go to. I hope you have a good time and enjoy the company 🙂

  2. The group sounds awesome! I understand that you’re in a bit of a pit at the moment and when we are in the darkness we see only dark, but if I was you I’d pick out some positives about myself, some bright, cheery things, things that make me happy, that I’m proud of (even if they are from years ago), people who I have contributed to making happy (your daughter) and talk about those things to new people. Don’t start off relationships with negative impressions of yourself, if you catch yourself slipping, which is easy, haul yourself in and think of the good things, because I would bet there are many more than there are bad.

    You can do it and you’re so right… it’s a beautiful day, you can do this.

  3. Thanks, fightingfatblogger, that’s really good advice too. I will go in as a sort of new me. Perhaps closer to the me I want to become. Thanks for commenting.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s