Last night I went out and made some friends.
Now that’s something I never thought I’d be able to write. I feel as though I made friends last night.
I got to the teahouse to meet the women in this MeetUp group for women in transition. It got off to a rough start. I was nervous, I drove downtown which is my husband’s territory, walked in to the place, saw the two leaders, walked until I was a few yards from them and they just kept talking to one another and did not look up.
I felt as though I stood there for 5 minutes, but it was probably closer to 5 seconds, then I slowly turned around and left.
Cuz that’s what I do.
I stood outside thinking one of them might have seen me and come out to ask if I was looking for the group. Then I realized how horribly passive aggressive that was and felt ashamed. I stood there thinking I’d have to go home to tell my parents that I turned around and left because the women didn’t see me. Also I’d have to tell my counselor today about a missed opportunity.
But I still had a hard time deciding what to do.
Finally I saw another woman come in for the group (I could tell because their photos were online), and I knew if she was at the table with those women, then they were indeed the group I was looking for. I waited another minute and then walked in, where I was warmly greeted.
Eventually two other women came, for a total of six of us.
As expected we went around telling our “story” and I had a hard time making mine short. I added that I was struggling with believing that I am not my circumstances and they seemed to understand.
We range in age from mid forties to early sixties so that’s perfect. I feel I clicked with the two leaders in particular, although they don’t want to consider themselves the leaders, necessarily, just the organizers.
I had a hard time making myself stop talking. Everything someone said made me feel I had to comment on. At one point I said I was sorry I was talking so much, that it’s probably because I don’t talk much. They were very forgiving and one said, “That’s okay. You’re interesting.”
One of the women said I was so animated when I spoke about my website and the internet and young women today, that I should be a public speaker! I realized that there might actually be people who would be interested in that.
Talking with them made me realize how unique I am. With my website, with my knowledge of the changing world, thanks to the internet, with the progress of women’s rights in regards to how girls and young women are leading the way. By being clued into most current events.
I handed them my business cards and mentioned that I loved social media, in particular Twitter and one of the women asked me if I ever thought of tweeting for businesses for money. I said that I sort of had, because I had set up Twitter accounts for a few local businesses, but then they really didn’t use the account afterwards, which was a shame.
We talked about books that have helped us and how we want the group to work. We thought we’d take turns each week sharing something such as a book or a video, etc. We will meet every other Tuesday and the next MeetUp will be at one of their houses as the teahouse was a bit too loud for everyone to hear properly.
I came home feeling so proud of myself. For someone who considers herself socially retarded, I did fine. I also found a couple of the women to be really insightful and funny and will find it hard to wait two whole weeks to see them again.
Today I will go see my counselor and tell her the news. I have reached out to other women and it felt great.
My husband let me know that his attorney will contact me next week. He’s frustrated with me because I keep on him about this “contract” we’ve both signed. I was glad to hear, however, that when his attorney signs it, it will truly become a contract that can’t be broken without my knowledge.
So at this point, it’s possible the case will come to a finale sometime between August and November, but if they use more stalling techniques it will be longer. I pray that my share will be over $50,000. I need at least that amount to really feel that I can start my life anew.
I keep asking him to leave the city when he gets his settlement and he says he will. I think perhaps his woman is in Portland and that’s where he will go. On that phone bill I looked at there were many calls to and from various Portland numbers.
As much as I need him to go, it will feel weird to not know where he is. But I know in time I’ll adjust. Meanwhile I’ll get my downtown back and not be so afraid to run into him wherever I go. If and when he brings his daughters to America I’ll still be able to see them. They are old enough to take the train down and I won’t have to worry about seeing him at all.
I will always wonder why he closed his heart to me. But I think that’s part of him being a sociopath. He really had me fooled. I think he even fooled himself. But the truth is, I doubt he’ll ever be happy or successful and he’ll always hate life wherever he is.
At this point I can see that in the future I will be glad that he did close his heart to me. One of us had to stop our nightmare roller coaster of a marriage, and it’s okay that it was him. His methods suck, but breaking up is never easy.
If there will be another man in my life he’ll be much more grounded. I have realized it’s okay to have dreams AND be realistic. They are not mutually exclusive, as much as my husband would like to think.
I really like my volunteer job, and turns out I got “Volunteer of the Month” for May. I think I am on the verge of having a life. And I want to thank the strangers who have read this blog to see me to this point. You have no idea how much you have helped me feel less alone.