It’s WeighDay and I didn’t get on the scale. I can’t do it. I’m giving myself this one day pass. That’s it. I promise. In fact, I may weigh at any time in the coming week, when I’m emotionally up for the news.
I have realized in the last several weeks that I am entering a new phase of my attempt to lose weight. Any benefits I got from being depressed from having my husband leave me seem to be gone. I’m back to my own will power now. Who knew I had so little? Me, I knew. That’s why I was fat.
I’m pretty sure if I have gained it’s probably only a pound or so, but I can’t bear to face it today. I’m giving myself the coming week to get my shit in order, it’d be bad enough to stay at 200 pounds, but it would be horrendous to start gaining again. I refuse to regain any of that 70 pounds. (Plus I bought myself a new jean jacket from Old Navy yesterday and it just fits, so I must stay/lose, and NOT gain!)
I’m not sure why in the last couple of months that losing weight has become extremely hard again. It is as hard now as when I weighed 267 and thought I’d never lose weight. Maybe this is the point where I go for the by-pass? Just kidding. I don’t want surgery. I don’t want a stomach smaller than the size of a deck of cards. Funny enough, even if I did want it, I’d no longer quality because my insurance considers me not fat enough to qualify for it now!
I ordered a new bathing suit with hopefully longer lasting material and it did fit, but looked horrendous. It showed far too much of my back and it wasn’t a pretty sight. I have scars on my upper sides from my breast reduction surgery too, and they were visible. I didn’t realize how my old suit was pretty conservative in the back. Most racing suits are not conservative that way.
Perhaps if I were to lose at least another 20, I’d try it again, but in the meantime, I sent it back and went to buy another suit like I currently have. It’ll stretch out and fade too fast, but I had to have one. The selection of suits that will fit me when I lose another 20 is huge compared to whats available for a 200 pound woman.
I think starting today I will make a food diary. I’m not good at sticking to them, but I have to try. The other thing is I used to be very aware that I was going to weigh in at my psychiatric nurse practitioners office, but now I don’t see him. Would it help to weigh in at my doctor’s office once a week? No, not if no one is paying attention. I guess that’s why women go to Weight Watchers.
The biggest problem, which is why I became obese in the first place is sugar. Usually in the form of candy. I think I need to go no sugar for a while, even though I’ve been having sugar in my coffee from day one.
My parents are not getting along. It’s not unusual, they are a very mismatched couple and are only together for financial reasons. But they’ve been together for most of 60 years.
Last night they took the two dogs for a short stroll. My dad is on oxygen now for his COPD and he uses a walker when he takes walks. When he came in he said to me, “She’s going to be the death of me.” And all I could do was nod because I didn’t want her to hear me. She is such a handful. She’s going to be the death of all of us. I try so hard to smile and nod and not rock the boat as we all do, but sometimes it’s unbearable.
That’s why, when my husband and I fought a few weeks ago, he called me by her name as the ultimate insult, “Bye, Martha! Bye, Martha!”
My mother is truly the saddest person I’ve ever known. She micro manages my father to a degree that makes me cringe. He’ll take it for weeks and then he’ll blow up at her. She’s also utterly unreflective, she never stops to examine herself or to figure out how to behave differently. She literally blames everyone else for her problems.
For some reason she pretends not to hear. You can come into the room and say, “Mom, I’m going to the –” and she’ll ALWAYS interrupt and say, “Wha?” really loud. When truly you haven’t said anything yet and if she fucking just kept listening, she’d figure out what you said. Instead, I pause, try not to look annoyed, try not to roll my eyes, and begin again, “Mom, I’m going to the store. Do you need anything?”
She does this pretty much anytime you talk with her and not just with me, but everyone. It truly appears to be a weird control thing, making one repeat when they haven’t really gotten to the point yet. Highly obnoxious.
I also think she may have actual hearing loss, but she won’t get it checked out.
My mom loves dad, but he just tolerates her. After so long together they have no where else to go. I would NEVER want my own relationship to end like this. I would rather live alone than do that constant bickering thing.
She prefers her male son and nephews over her female relatives (excluding my daughter who is the no. 1 grandchild). She can’t hide her utter distain for a couple of my sister’s daughters and they can tell she doesn’t like them. It’s very embarrassing, sad, and unnatural!
I could have an entire blog devoted to my mother’s issues, but I won’t. I can only go so far with my criticism of her because she has opened her home to me when I had no where to go. She’s a messed up, and very unhappy person, but part of her deep inside wants to do the right thing. The bottom line is that, for some reason, she’s a really selfish person.
I’ve been daydreaming about my own little home someday, and I really do hope I get there. It’ll be a joy to decorate it in the Scandinavian style I’ve come to love so much. Mostly white with patches of bright color here and there.
Maybe I’ll start a Pinterest page so I have something to dream about.
I’ve also been thinking about how my new friends with the women’s group might help me take my website to the next level. I have a lot of ideas that I could use their help on. It wouldn’t be a big commitment on their part, mainly encouragement, brainstorming, and support.
I missed swimming on Tuesday, so I went to the pool yesterday (Saturday) which I don’t normally do. But I tweaked my back/side this week and it’s been very sore. I felt that I needed a gentle half workout to try to work it out. It seems to have helped. My pool is closed on Sundays, so I think I’ll get some grubby clothes on and start weeding the front and back yard. God knows that’s good exercise!
Wish me luck on my eating. I promise this is the ONLY pass I’m going to give myself on the weighing. Thanks for being here.