Pushing Myself into a New Life

Eating was so so yesterday. I almost feel that during this stage I’m going through right now, I’ll be lucky simply to not gain weight. But that’s not where I want to be stuck.

Since I went to the kids center in the a.m. I went to swim in the afternoon. Naturally I got the hours wrong and realized when I got there that I barely had an hour before the swim teams get there for practice. I went ahead and suited up because I wanted to try my new suit.

Right away I realized my suit is too small. I bought a 16 and I should have bought the 18. But I got into the water hoping it would be better when wet. Nope. I eventually attempted about 20 minutes of swimming before I gave up. The suit was so uncomfortable I could only do one lap and then struggled to pull it up. I felt certain my boobs were going to come out of the sides!

This bathing suit thing will be the death of me!

This morning when I swim I’m going back to my completely stretched out suit. So glad I didn’t toss it out! The one I bought will be okay if / when I lose another ten pounds. But I really have noticed that I am oddly shaped because of my breast reduction.

Don’t get me wrong. I prefer myself with smaller breasts. But given the size of the rest of my body, the chest area in clothing is naturally much bigger. So on me the top has all this extra room. And in a bathing suit, you don’t need that.

When I got to the kids center yesterday they asked me if I would take my own case and not just “shadow” a more experienced advocate as I have been doing I said, ‘I’m glad you didn’t ask me on Friday, or I wouldn’t have slept all weekend, but okay, I’ll give it a try.”

Thankfully it was just the right sort of case for my first one. Not too complicated and the family were not too upset. Naturally the reason they were there is not a pleasant one and I can’t talk about that part, but for me, to take my training to the next level, it was a great start. In a week or two I will follow up on the family and find out how they are doing. I felt really proud of myself. I’m pretty sure I’m the most experienced of the new advocates I trained with.

I’m going to a dermatologist this afternoon to have a couple of suspicious things removed. I’m a bit nervous about it, but will be glad to have it done. I hope I don’t miss any swimming because of it, but he/she might say to stay out of the pool for a day or two. I guess I’ll get out and walk if that’s the case.

I still often think of my husband throughout the day, but I feel less broken hearted and more duped. And I feel the shame of being so easily duped.

I am utterly dumbfounded that he could turn off his emotions to me and not give me a thought. It boggles my mind because naturally it makes me doubt whether he ever cared for me. It’s colored how I’ll see men from here on out.

And while reading Chump Lady website I am beginning to feel that there’s a good possibility I won’t bother trying to have another man in my life. A shame, because I want intimacy and I don’t like to do that casually. I’d also like company to do things with someone, but in time perhaps I’ll have a girl friend or two to do that with.

But I really do want my own little cottage of a house, with a garden, and maybe a dog. And I’d like work, whether my own business or a job. If I were a praying person, I’d pray for those things. As it is, I’ll just try to work towards them and pray I’m not too old to get them.

Tomorrow night I am going to an educator’s open house at the local natural and cultural history museum. I’m nervous about it, but feel it will be good for my website for me to know what it’s like there. I’m going to have to force myself to go!

And on Thursday I will go to a multidisciplinary training that should be interesting for my volunteer work. Apparently this is when police, DA people, human services people, and others like the organization I volunteer for get to gather for specific training. I’m really nervous about that, too, but will go.

I just have to force myself.

I have to fake it ’til I make it, I guess.


2 responses to “Pushing Myself into a New Life

  1. You’re doing some great things and going out of your comfort zone! Yay! I have trouble getting swimsuits to fit because of my long torso. If usually just get a larger size so they stretch long enough. Congratulations on taking your own case. That must be an awesome feeling they trust you enough and that you’re doing a great job for them.

    • Thanks very much, Cynthia. With my skewed sense of self, the fact that they seem to like me and want me to take more responsibility helps me to believe that I’m okay in their eyes. If they think I’m normal, then maybe I am normal!

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