Writing Just to Keep Myself Balanced

I got sliced, diced, and iced at the dermatologist’s office yesterday, so skipped my a.m. swim. They said to keep everything dry for 24 hours.

I’m gearing up to go to this open house at the natural and cultural history museum this afternoon/evening. It won’t be convenient, nothing at the university ever is. But I need to go and check it out.

I hope to walk when I get nome from that, it’ll be a bit cooler then. It’s been quite hot, although I think the weather is going to change tomorrow.

Yesterday as I swam I thought a lot about my inability to really get under the 200 lb mark. I’m sure there are many reasons for it, but one of them is that for so many years I kept telling myself, “If only I could get under 200. If only I could get under 200. I’d be happy.”

And I am not unhappy, but it is such a milestone number for me. And perhaps I don’t feel I deserve to begin the final descent to average weight. Somehow I might want to prevent myself from getting there.

But I do deserve it, and I do want it, minimally 20-25 lbs, more if possible. I’ll truly be in average sized clothing then and I’ll be able to tackle most activities. I’ll look good clothed. Not so good unclothed. But it is what it is. At my age (maybe any age) you can’t be 100+ pounds overweight and have your body pop back into shape. When I lose the rest of the weight, perhaps someday I can deal with the “extra skin” problem. If not, I can live with it.

I needed to speak to my husband yesterday and messaged him at noon. Then again at 2:30 p.m. He finally responded rather brusquely. He was “busy on the phone.” So I told him to let me know when I could ask him some things and after another couple of hours said, “I just need to speak with you before tomorrow morning.”

Then he began messaging me, “What’s this about?” I said, “I’m not going to text it all. Can I call?” He made me wait and then said yes.


I wonder what “busy on the phone” means in his world.

I got my info from him in under two minutes and hung up. Again, for the thousandth time I wonder how can a man who claims to love you for eight years just cast you aside and not care? It’s something I will never understand. I’m going to give up trying to figure that out.

He promised me we’d go see his attorney this week, and here it is mid-week again and no news. He swears it’s not his fault. That his attorney is very busy and hard to get a hold of. Whatever.

I also realized yesterday that if I hadn’t married him, I would still be getting spousal support from my good husband. One more way that my affiliation with this man has hurt me so much. And I feel like such a fucking idiot.

I’m okay. I’m fairly “meh” today which is always a relief. Not too depressed, and also not unrealistically up. It feels okay.

My main issue is getting past this 200 lb hurdle. I’ve been at roughly the same weight since May 4th, so that’s enough time! I will find the strength or inspiration somewhere.



One response to “Writing Just to Keep Myself Balanced

  1. I have the same problem with 160. I think it’s similar, not feeling like I deserve to be thin. Plus, it’s so comfortable at 161. All my weight is in my stomach, so at my highest I was so uncomfortable. I really have to work on my attitude. I do deserve it, and so do you!!

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