Remembering how awful he can be

I’m shaking.

Last week my husband promised me that we would meet with his attorney to get this document we have both signed made “legal”. And I have heard that for months. This morning I sent my husband an email that said,

[his name], here we are at the end of another week. This has been going on for months and months.
This is ridiculous. I am going to go find someone to represent my rights.

He called me a few minutes ago and he was very irate. He said he has arranged an appointment for us to meet his attorney tomorrow at 2 pm. He said after that is taken care of I have to swear not to bother him about the case any more.

I said I will do no such thing and that he can no longer tell me what I must do or not do.

He said he’ll drop the whole case and leave and neither of us will get a penny. I said, “Do it.” (Sounds like “The War of the Roses” movie, doesn’t it?).

I said, “You’ve given me no reason to trust you and I have every right to be assertive about getting my half of the settlement since you have somehow decided that my life is less valuable than yours and I am less deserving of a happy life.”

He said he was going to get an “injunction” on me for harassing him. I asked him how I was harassing him. I rarely text, I never call unless he says it’s okay to, and I send him one or two emails a week, usually short ones. I said the court will die laughing at that request. He said the emails are harassing because they are causing him stress. I explained that stress was part what a couple who are preparing to divorce go through. It’s all normal. There’s nothing out of the ordinary about our situation. He is not being harassed.

We were both all over the place and I soon remembered that there’s absolutely no point in trying to reason with him when he is in this mode. I kept saying I wanted to hang up now and that I’d see him tomorrow.

He said my emails are “threatening” and I said no, they don’t threaten, they inform. But everything I said he came back with more and I am not up to this any more; he is an expert at twisting words and remembering events differently. Once I hung up on him and when he called back I answered with, “I don’t want to talk.”

I told him he has no idea how much I look forward to no contact, but at the moment I can’t afford it, I have to protect my interests. He accused me of lying about that, saying I crave the drama. Trust me, I don’t. I really, really want no contact.

It’s funny that he wants me to be all sweetness and light. He said he’d tell any judge how he supported me and tried to protect my assets and didn’t use up my assets as I claim. He called himself a wordsmith or some such thing saying he’d rip up my attorney in court. I said, “I don’t think you come across as you think you come across.” He said, “Do you want everyone to know about your past?” I told him I didn’t care. I had nothing to hide. I have always been upfront about my troubles. He was the one who had things to hide.

He twisted things as he always does, trying to make it sound as though he was perfect and acted nobly and I the insane one. He said he has “30 friends in town” who will attest to his character, but what do I have. He said I was doing all this because I am a “scorned woman.” My god he knows how to cut me deep.

I am guessing he is taking his anger and frustration out on me simply because there is no one else to take it out on. I used to watch him do the very thing to his mother over and over and over. It’s how he operates.

Not only did I not go to swim today, I missed the extra training I said I’d go to. I feel like an idiot. I am about to break down, I can feel it. I think I might need to get back into bed. I don’t know what to do to be honest.

If I only had the luxury of a credit card or a couple of thousand dollars in the bank, I’d retain someone to protect my interests. He is working himself up so much to hating me that he is becoming vindictive. He’s the one making threats, not me.

I feel sick after this interaction and I dread seeing him tomorrow. I wish I had my own attorney doing that for me.





8 responses to “Remembering how awful he can be

  1. I don’t have any advice as I have never been where you are now. But I hope you are okay. I remember when I used to argue with my boyfriend when I lived away at uni – I would get so wound up at him and had nowhere to vent. It was so much worse not being able to have the argument, and so frustrating not being understood for who I was and what I was trying to say. It must be like that but much worse for you. Just remember that you are the better person when all is said and done. Xx

  2. Thanks very much, mylittledreamworld1. That not being understood part is the hardest to deal with. I guess I have to let go and know he’ll never see it from my point of view. Thanks for commenting.

  3. Please continue exercising! It will really help you. You are so strong, and now it seems that you are so much stronger than earlier in the way you respond to him.

    • I did not have a great week exercise wise, but that’s a first for many months, so I won’t be too hard on myself. Still, I must refocus all my efforts! Thanks for commenting!

  4. It sounds like talking to him is like spinning your wheels. It’s hard to emotionally detach, but because of his narcissist personality, you really must to keep yourself sane. I agree with Ellen, exercising is what is getting you through this- it’s your best friend now.

    • Agreed, Cynthia. I meet with the women in transition group again this coming Tuesday and I plan to find out if any of them like to take hikes. I’ve been dying to get into nature. Exercise truly is my best friend now. Thanks, Cynthia.

  5. I agree with the others, try to get back into the pool ASAP – channel your emotions into swimming harder like you’ve done before!
    And from what you’ve said, I highly doubt he does have 30 friends in town.

  6. haha, thanks, Georgie. (You are probably so right about the friends). Thanks very much for your encouragement.

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