Can We Ever Know Ourselves?

I absolutely did NOT want to go to the pool yesterday morning but I knew that it would give me power to face my husband and his attorney. BUT, due to my recent slicing and dicing especially the mole off the back of my neck, I knew I should take it easy because it hurts when I turn my neck. I decided to go and do 30 minutes, mainly just to relax myself and that would still give me time to get dressed, see my therapist, and then meet my husband.

Way back in December I stopped in to Old Navy before I could even wear any of their clothes. On a whim I bought a black sleeveless dress in XL for $15. I mean, c’mon, at that price… Well this week I bought some black tights and today after I swam I took extra care with my make up, put on the dress, tights, some fun black shoes, and a soft, bright orange sweater with 3/4 sleeves. I put on my best jewelry. I even put on mascara which I normally don’t bother with.  (And my therapist said I looked really, really nice).

By the time I got to her office I was feeling so nervous I thought I might faint. We talked almost the whole hour about how to behave at the meeting with my husband and his attorney. How to compose myself, breathe, sit tall, talk low, and by the time I left I felt ready and empowered.

I picked my husband up at a mall and drove him to his attorney’s office nearby. This is the first time he’s been in the car with me since about two months ago when he decided to kiss me just because he wanted to play with me. My husband asked me why I wanted to lose more weight. He always claimed to like me big.

The attorney is old, but he’s all there. He was patient and explained everything to me even when I asked him the same question a slightly different way. I told him about my reservation over the part saying that I’ll have no more claims against my husband other than this.

To make a long story short, in the end I signed the paper the way it was. When my husband’s case is over, the attorney will give me half of that settlement. Depending on how that case goes, the attorney will then file one for me. It will not be as lucrative, but the deal my husband and I made is that I will keep all of that settlement.

Now remember we’re talking about money that doesn’t exist and may never exist. I’m fairly hopeful that there will be at least $20,000 for me, but it could be zero and it could be $100,000. (This is my husband’s case).

The attorney said, if it does go to trial, jurors are tough to predict. But he said if this guy is as unlikeable as we say, and others he’s spoken to say, then the jurors won’t like him. And if we come across as nice, polite, victims, they will side with us. Although how much is anybody’s guess.

Please don’t get me wrong, this is a legitimate lawsuit. It was my husband’s employer who did some horrific things to us. My husband’s case is naturally bigger because he was employed there. I was just caught in the storm.

BUT the events that occurred there caused the stress that ended my marriage. And for this, I will happily sue them. What price do you put on that?

We sat there for two hours and it was almost all me and the attorney talking. My husband is very controlled in these situations. I have a story about an embassy in London but I can’t tell you about it because it would divulge too much. But trust me, he’s very much in control when it comes to outsiders.

At one point I got some tears in my eyes while explaining things to the attorney, and at another point I crossed the line and said something rude about my husband. So I wasn’t perfect, but I did pretty well.

Of course as we got into the car my husband called me out on what I said. I did apologize for it, but still he had it coming.

He had said something about, if the settlement doesn’t come through he’ll have to go back to London with his tail between his legs. I looked at him and said, “Or you could marry another American and keep getting money from your friend.”

Ouch, where’d that come from? Residual stuff, I guess. I don’t mind that I said it, just that I said it in front of the attorney.

But overall I gave the attorney a lot of useful information about my husband’s case that will help him a great deal. I have a detailed journal from that time with more information than anyone could ever want. And even though I pissed my husband off that one time, I could tell he was pleased with how it went.

But then he had to start nit picking me. And, I can’t quote him, but he managed to say things to the effect of, “You were never very nice. You have an edge about you. You’ve always been that way.”

I said, “Stop. I don’t have to hear this any more. If we’re only going to bicker then let’s drive in silence.” So he went quiet.

At one point he said “I’m the only one of all your ex husbands who will remain in contact with you.” (As though that’s some great honor). I said, “I don’t want that. I don’t want to be your friend.” I guess that’s me being edgy, or something, again.

Overall I came away feeling good about the meeting. But as will happen when things sink in a bit, him basically telling me I am not a good or kind person really fucked me up. Because I wonder: Am I truly not a good person? Am I that much like my mother? I hear how she speaks to my father and it’s horrific, but I spent most of my life saying to myself that I’d never speak to my husband that way, but perhaps I do.

If I am that way, then I have no right to inflict myself ever again on a man. How will I know if I am that way!?

On the other hand just because my husband behaved with some dignity yesterday, does not mean he’s a good man. He asked me why I seem to suddenly turn on him when he thinks things are going okay. I said, “Sometimes I am reminded of how terribly you treated me, and what you did to me, and I just react.”

I’ve eaten too much the last two weeks. And this week for the first time I just didn’t get my swimming in the way I usually do. My plan is to go in today and swim for the full hour and then be as active as I can for the rest of the weekend. I have to address the eating, which is again out of control.

I’m frightened.

I see women on Chump Lady talking about their break-up weight coming back on. I knew that much of my weight loss was from stress and depression, but my god, I also used a ton of will power. What happened to that will power? I just don’t know.

If I regain what I’ve lost, I don’t know what will happen to my state of mind.

And now I’m wondering if I am not a kind person and if I am truly responsible for all of our problems as he would have me believe.

When I said that about the other American, he said to me, “Do you think they’re lining up or something?” He was trying to give me the impression there is no one in his life right now.

And somehow this hurts even more than if there were someone in his life right now.  It means I am truly so bad that he’d rather be alone, than be with me.

My head has been played with. That’s how he is. He’s a master at it. He has selective memory. He considers himself an innocent victim. The idea of him being the wronged person, after what he did to me, is just incomprehensible.

I have to find strength somewhere. Here I’m just deciding I’m ready to take life on and now he pulls the rug out from under me. THIS is why I am eager to go no contact. NO MORE FUCKING WITH MY HEAD.

I’m so sorry if you’ve read this far. These are the meandering thoughts of a weak, insecure, and mentally ill woman who is desperately trying to be normal and failing at it.

Somehow I have to remind myself that, while I am not perfect, what he did to me was truly dishonorable.


4 responses to “Can We Ever Know Ourselves?

  1. I hate for you to label yourself as “mentally ill”. That has such a negative connotation and unless you are diagnosed with a psychosis, I don’t think the term should be used. You are in a weak spot where he can still play with your mind. I agree that you should not have contact with him. What’s the point or use of it except for a chance for him to make you feel bad. I LOVE what you said to him about marrying another American. GOOD FOR YOU!! You should be edgy with him now, he deserves every bit of that edginess! This guy never does or says anything that shows he really cares about you, it’s all about him and how bad you treat him or how you are doing things wrong. What a joke- he’s deflecting so you won’t notice how bad he treats you. You are doing everything right, so rock on girl! So proud of you!

    • Oh, Cynthia, thanks so much. You know, even as he was saying his, “Tsk, tsk, you’re so mean to me” line I was thinking to myself, “Holy cow, he makes himself the victim CONSTANTLY.” Now that we’ve had this interaction we should not have to talk for some time, not unless something comes up with the case. I’ll take this time to regroup and gain some strength. Thanks, as always, for your support.

    • Also, I’m not an assertive person, and sometimes when I am assertive, it doesn’t sit well with me and then I get consumed with guilt. This is something I definitely need to work on!

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