Fucking Weighday

Happy Father’s Day.

Without a shadow of a doubt I knew I’d weigh over 200 today so I had to force myself to get on the scale this morning. There’s no sense ignoring it only to act surprised when all the weight is back on. If I don’t face it, I can’t stop it.

The scale read 201.4 so I’ll call it 201.5 to round to the nearest half pound. To be honest, I feared it would be more, so I am actually relieved.

I’m not sure what to do to get focussed. I didn’t realize that I wasn’t in as much control of this weight loss as I thought. I will find a way to curb it, I just don’t know how yet.

I think I’ll start by keeping that food diary, weighing myself daily for a while, and fitting in more walking. I need to face whatever it is that is keeping me from continuing my journey to health and fitness. I’ve come such a long, long way but I can’t stop now.

The other factor is it seems I used to work out for one to one and a half hours a day and now it’s really hard for me to get to the sixty minute mark. I am often stopping at 45 minutes. Why is so hard?

Dealing with the residual damage of seeing my husband

Naturally I’ve been in a funk about my husband saying I’m not a nice person and while I swam yesterday I began to think about that.

First, I may not be perfect, but I’m not a “mean” person. I have room for improvement, but I’m fairly certain I’m in the normal range.

Second, my husband can say what he wants, but it’s how I respond to what he says that matters. I responded badly to it because, well, that’s how I respond to everything! I can work on that. I think I need a tattoo that reads, Just because he says it, doesn’t make it true

Third, I’m highly oversensitive. What he said was just a statement that should have rolled off my back. A secure person wouldn’t let it bother them. Why do I give him or others that much power over me? He never lets accepts my opinion of him.

Only now, with two days time between him putting me down and now, am I able to look at this incident with a calmer mind. That panic and overreaction is the story of my life and the thing I must tackle.

He also told me again that we could start a business together (pool our money) and he’d let me run it. Why thank you! I know we could do far more if we pooled our money but there’s not a chance in hell that I’d ever allow him to have access to my assets again, ever! Also, I want him to leave the area, not have a business here.

I woke in the night crying out, “You weren’t there!” It was me crying and trying to explain to him the pain I felt when he would not reconcile. In the early days something like that would have destroyed me, but I’m okay this morning.

My new business idea

I spend a great deal of time thinking about what to do when/if the money does come. I do apply for jobs, and I never get a call back. My website idea is great, but it involves needing far too many people to help me make it right.

I have always wanted to be an entrepreneur but always got too scared to take the plunge. I have had a million ideas, some of them quite good, in the last eight years since I met my husband. He’s an ass, but he is also a person who frees you to think outside the box and inspires one to take risks.

I told my parents about my newest idea and they love it and the more I talk about it and think about it, the more excited I am getting. It does not, thank goodness, involve food preparation! I will write about it here soon, but not quite yet. I don’t want anyone stealing the idea out from under me.

BUT, it is an idea that would be much cheaper to start up than a food based business, and it would still be geared for the local university students, which is what I was aiming for. Most importantly it will allow me to use my creativity, which is vital to me.

In a perfect world, this business of mine would allow me to close the doors every August and just take a month off since that part of town is nearly deserted at that time of year. I can plan ahead for it and make the best of it, use the time to vacation, or to buy for the business, or both. Plus it’d be a good time to improve or remodel the place to keep it fresh.

I am always on the lookout for properties for rent between the center of town and the university. Right now there is a small empty shop that would be perfect. Sadly I am not in a position to do anything about it. I have to hope that when I am ready, something will present itself.

I feel that it’ll help me to run it by the women in transition group which meets again on Tuesday. I’m so looking forward to the group, and will really try to spend more time listening this week. I am sad that the meeting is scheduled to be only an hour! Perhaps we can change it to a weekly meeting.

My passion. My hobby.

One of my real passions is charity shops, as they are called in the UK. I loved shopping at them in London and I love shopping in them here in the U.S. After my husband and I separated I felt I could not enjoy that pastime any longer because it was too associated with him. I’m so glad to say that in the last several weeks, I have taken it up again.

Even though I am so broke, I love the chase of the unusual item (especially from Europe) and I’m so practiced that I have a real eye for these things. Yesterday, for example, I found two small ceramic cups that had an intentionally crumpled look to them. I turned them over as I always do and saw they were made in France. This made me decide to buy them. They were .99 each, but with an additional 25% off because they were the color tag of the day at St. Vincent de Paul.

cupsSo I get home and look them up on the internet and, voilà, as they say en Francais, these little porcelain cups sell for upwards of $16 each at upscale stores like Sur la Table or Bloomingdales. They are actually sold as espresso cups. To say I was delighted is an understatement. They also come in designs of the French flag or Union Jack — wish I had found those!

These are some of the skills I plan to use in my new business and I’m so excited about it!

The colors of my cups are two shades of blue. It’s so sweet because one of the many things I love collecting are coffee paraphernalia.

I do get too attached to things and it’s rather bothersome. In London I came across a mid-century enamel coffee pot in mint condition by a famous Scandinavian designer. It was an incredible deal to buy something for about two pounds which I later sold for $100 on ebay because I was desperate for money right before my husband and I split. It’s memories like these that hurt because he never let it bother him that I sold my possessions for us to live while he never did. I have to let it go somehow. I want my coffee pot back. I want all the gold and silver jewelry I no longer have back.

Fuck, there are so many things to try to let go of in my life right now and in general. Because I moved back and forth from Oregon to London so many times, my possessions really did get pared down, which I suppose is ok.

I think the exciting part of having a shop is it will satisfy that bug to have a home and make it aesthetically pleasing, something I love to do. When I was at my most depressed just before we separated, I would simply make vignettes of my things about the apartment and sit and stare at them. I miss that — the creating part, not the staring part.

Sunday Stats
Starting weight: 267 (mid October 2013)
Today’s weight: 201.5
(up about two pounds from two weeks ago)
Total weight loss to date: 65.5 pounds
Height: 5’8″
Goal weight: about 150 (about 30-50 pounds to go)

 

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2 responses to “Fucking Weighday

  1. It does sound like you have hit that mental block of 200. Keep trying! Sounds like your new business idea is a good one. It’s too bad about all the things you sold. But they’re just things and you can get new things when you have the money. It will be fun for you to rebuild your life with new things.

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