Just Stop and Think Before I Click

Yesterday, Tuesday, I weighed and it was the same as Monday, 199.4. This morning I weighed 198.9. I have to learn about how weight comes off daily as opposed to weekly. I’m not bothered by the number so far, it’s far too soon to tell. But I know the results will be better than they have been simply because I know I’m eating better again.

Okay, so this is only day three, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Yesterday morning I was struck with wondering why my husband would agree to give me half his settlement, but I keep all of my settlement. Suddenly it seemed like “proof” that he just plans to fuck me over somehow.

I wrote him an email asking him if he could explain his reasoning. To call or email me. He called. I asked him the same question I had asked in the email and from then on out it was arguing. And he was quite loud. He never did answer the question, he only expressed indignity at the question.

When he uttered, “Don’t you know you have the capacity to drive a normal person to insanity?” I hung up.

Then I spent the next two hours as I swam and prepared for my volunteer job trying to convince myself that I don’t have that capacity.

I’m such a weakling. It’s so easy to convince me I’m something (as long as it’s negative). It’s exhausting for me too. I doubt everything. Of course I have doubts about my ability to have a successful relationship — I’ve had four marriages for fuck’s sake!

But I’ve never screwed anyone over. Never taken what isn’t mine.

I kept saying to myself that just because he says it doesn’t make it true, but it was so hard to shake off.

I’m in the middle of this crisis where I wonder if I’m a decent human being or not, and here I find out I also drive normal men to insanity. I just don’t need comments like that right now!

Then, later, as I thought about my original question, the answer came to me. I wish so much I had just waited and given the question some thought before I emailed him. The reason he agreed to let me keep all of my settlement is we were on the subject of spousal support and the chances of him ever being able to provide me with any are pretty much nil, so he offered that settlement in way of compensation. But I had forgotten that.

I know I should think before I click, but he needs to fucking lighten up.

I went to my women in transition group last night and enjoyed it very much. There were only five of us, and one of the women was just visiting from out of the area, so it’s a very small group. I’m glad it’s small, I just hope it’s not too small that they feel it will not be worthwhile to continue.

We did some exercises having to do with our essence and I came to realize I have no idea what, where, or who my essence is. Most people know more about themselves by the time they get to my age. I feel a bit ridiculous that I am so self-clueless, but I will nevertheless try to discover myself.

When I do imagine the me in the future, a year down the line, two years down the line, I like what I see. I like who she is and what she does with her life and her time and how she takes care of her family. I’m looking forward to meeting her and getting to know her.

Even though I have a long way to go, just the fact that I’m able to visualize the future me, the happier, healthier version of me, is a great step in the right direction.

Now that I have this new business idea it is hard for me to get up and sit at the computer for my website. I’m tired of it. It’s bad for my health to sit so much. It’s bad for my eyesight to stare at a screen so much. I’m just so sick of so much computer time.

My new business will need a website, and some social media presence, but I won’t be a slave to it like I am now. I look forward to the day when I get up and go out and face each day and try to make my business successful. I will need to balance finding a way to exercise and of course I have to keep on with the weight loss journey, but it will help that I will not be around food, and I will not be sitting all day.

I’m looking forward to being with PEOPLE!

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2 responses to “Just Stop and Think Before I Click

  1. When you say you have been married four times, did you think so much about your other husbands after the divorces? Did none of the others cheat on you?

    About weight loss. I lost some weight when I started walking a lot, but after some months, my body started to get used to the exercise, and I had to add something more to my routine. I started to go swimming, hiking and then when I could afford it, went to a gym. Outdoor cycling in the summer and spinning classes in the winter has made me lose more weight, but the best thing is that I feel more fit, my body is more firm. I can actually feel my muscles! And then I start to feel strong.
    I hope that you soon will be able to buy the hiking shoes. If you have a forest or a mountain nearby, it will give you a place to excercise for free, but additionally it is easier to clear your mind and meditate when you go hiking.

    • Ellen, I’ve never (to my knowledge) been cheated on before, so this has really thrown me for a loop.

      I’m so glad to hear about the success of your fitness routine. I do gather that our bodies get used to our activities and that’s why it’s good to mix it up. Sounds lie you really do just that!

      I’m in Oregon, so there’s tons of natural beauty here. Still don’t have the cash for the hiking boots yet, but perhaps in July. I do think that connecting with nature is something that will do me a lot of good.

      Thanks for commenting.

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