Yesterday, Tuesday, I weighed and it was the same as Monday, 199.4. This morning I weighed 198.9. I have to learn about how weight comes off daily as opposed to weekly. I’m not bothered by the number so far, it’s far too soon to tell. But I know the results will be better than they have been simply because I know I’m eating better again.
Okay, so this is only day three, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Yesterday morning I was struck with wondering why my husband would agree to give me half his settlement, but I keep all of my settlement. Suddenly it seemed like “proof” that he just plans to fuck me over somehow.
I wrote him an email asking him if he could explain his reasoning. To call or email me. He called. I asked him the same question I had asked in the email and from then on out it was arguing. And he was quite loud. He never did answer the question, he only expressed indignity at the question.
When he uttered, “Don’t you know you have the capacity to drive a normal person to insanity?” I hung up.
Then I spent the next two hours as I swam and prepared for my volunteer job trying to convince myself that I don’t have that capacity.
I’m such a weakling. It’s so easy to convince me I’m something (as long as it’s negative). It’s exhausting for me too. I doubt everything. Of course I have doubts about my ability to have a successful relationship — I’ve had four marriages for fuck’s sake!
But I’ve never screwed anyone over. Never taken what isn’t mine.
I kept saying to myself that just because he says it doesn’t make it true, but it was so hard to shake off.
I’m in the middle of this crisis where I wonder if I’m a decent human being or not, and here I find out I also drive normal men to insanity. I just don’t need comments like that right now!
Then, later, as I thought about my original question, the answer came to me. I wish so much I had just waited and given the question some thought before I emailed him. The reason he agreed to let me keep all of my settlement is we were on the subject of spousal support and the chances of him ever being able to provide me with any are pretty much nil, so he offered that settlement in way of compensation. But I had forgotten that.
I know I should think before I click, but he needs to fucking lighten up.
I went to my women in transition group last night and enjoyed it very much. There were only five of us, and one of the women was just visiting from out of the area, so it’s a very small group. I’m glad it’s small, I just hope it’s not too small that they feel it will not be worthwhile to continue.
We did some exercises having to do with our essence and I came to realize I have no idea what, where, or who my essence is. Most people know more about themselves by the time they get to my age. I feel a bit ridiculous that I am so self-clueless, but I will nevertheless try to discover myself.
When I do imagine the me in the future, a year down the line, two years down the line, I like what I see. I like who she is and what she does with her life and her time and how she takes care of her family. I’m looking forward to meeting her and getting to know her.
Even though I have a long way to go, just the fact that I’m able to visualize the future me, the happier, healthier version of me, is a great step in the right direction.
Now that I have this new business idea it is hard for me to get up and sit at the computer for my website. I’m tired of it. It’s bad for my health to sit so much. It’s bad for my eyesight to stare at a screen so much. I’m just so sick of so much computer time.
My new business will need a website, and some social media presence, but I won’t be a slave to it like I am now. I look forward to the day when I get up and go out and face each day and try to make my business successful. I will need to balance finding a way to exercise and of course I have to keep on with the weight loss journey, but it will help that I will not be around food, and I will not be sitting all day.
I’m looking forward to being with PEOPLE!