Last night I really, really struggled with my food choices and didn’t make great ones. One thing that was different is that we “fended” meaning we just ate what we wanted to, instead of a proper meal. And that’s a good way to lose track of what you’ve eaten, which I did.

I weighed 199.5 today, up a few ounces from yesterday. I don’t like weighing every day, but it’s the only way to keep my goals foremost on my mind so I will keep doing it. I will learn from yesterday and have an emergency meal plan for nights like that.

I came across this article in the New York Times which interested me because I see far too many experts suddenly concluding that keeping weight off is impossible or nearly impossible.

As I was trying to deduce what it is they were saying, I also came across this summation of the authors’ hypothesis:

What if, they ask, we have confused cause and effect? What if it is not overeating that causes us to get fat, but the process of getting fatter that causes us to overeat? Under this hypothesis, “factors in the environment have triggered fat cells in our bodies to take in and store excessive amounts of glucose and other calorie-rich compounds. Since fewer calories are available to fuel metabolism, the brain tells the body to increase calorie intake (we feel hungry) and save energy (our metabolism slows down). Eating more solves this problem temporarily but also accelerates weight gain. Cutting calories reverses the weight gain for a short while, making us think we have control over our body weight, but predictably increases hunger and slows metabolism even more.” It’s why, they say, diets that rely on consciously reducing calories tend not to work.

So what can we do? The authors suggest high consumption of refined carbohydrates could be the culprit. We consume many more such carbohydrates today – mainly because they have been added to processed foods in place of fats – than we did in the past. The idea that we overeat because we are getting fat, they say, is not new, but it goes against the popular emphasis on calorie balance. And the food industry – which makes enormous profit off of highly processed products – wants us to believe all calories are the same, that there are no bad foods, and sugary beverages and junk food are fine in moderation. The authors acknowledge the need for more research on their hypothesis. If, however, it turns out to be correct, it could have immediate implications for public health. “With reduced consumption of refined grains, concentrated sugar and potato products and a few other sensible lifestyle choices, our internal body weight control system should be able to do the rest. Eventually, we could bring the body weight set point back to pre-epidemic levels. Addressing the underlying biological drive to overeat may make for a far more practical and effective solution to obesity than counting calories,” they conclude.

So the devil is high consumption of refined carbohydrates and I guess that’s no surprise at all. But I’m left wondering how many years it takes to reset our “internal body weight control system.” I suppose it doesn’t really matter since I have to keep fighting this battle no matter what. I just don’t like that this gaining it all back thing just looms over my head.

Although my own weight loss journey is really stalled/struggling at the moment, I will take some comfort in the fact that I simply will not allow myself to get over the 200 lb mark again.

On Saturday I was eating something hard and broke the repair job my dentist had just done on a tooth about a month ago because I ate something hard. When will I learn? I’m praying he can mend it again because it needs a crown and that costs $1,100 and I can’t do that until I get that settlement money. I’m seeing him this morning so I have to skip swimming today.

I had an appointment to see a gastroenterologist in the afternoon, but canceled it. I’ve got issues. I’m nervous about what it might be, but I am simply not up to THAT appointment. I don’t think he/she can tell me what’s going on without a colonoscopy of endoscopy and I’m not up for it emotionally. I know that must sound odd, but I can’t do it. So I canceled it. I’ll just keep drinking two glasses of prune juice every day.

I’ve offered to go into my volunteer job again in the afternoon since they are shorthanded. I handled another case on my own today and it was pretty horrific. The two boys are in foster care so it was my first case with foster kids and foster parents. Can’t say anything more, naturally. But wow. Awful things go on in this world that most of us are ignorant to.

I wish I didn’t waste so much time thinking about my husband. When he got mad at me the other day he made a comment about “you having morals I didn’t know you had.” which conveyed that he thought I didn’t have any morals and, well, that makes so little sense. I was always cringing at his schemes and plans to do things that were a little crooked, or a lot crooked. I ended up doing some things that were really out of my comfort zone and they haunt me to this day. He is describing himself, not me.

He, his mother, father, and sister have all done despicable, dishonorable, and sometime illegal things, it just seems to run in their family. My family, on the other hand is very straight and narrow. How dare he claim to be surprised that I have morals!

I wish so much I had acknowledged the big red flag in our relationship early on, which is our differing values. It could have saved me a lot of grief!

This is the bottom line: I have to somehow remind myself that this man is quite messed up himself, very narcissistic, and very unlikely to admit any of his own wrongdoing. But I know that much of what he did was wrong even if he can’t face it. That’s fine if he chooses not to judge himself, but he needs to stop judging me.

As much as he wronged me, I am responsible for being in the marriage and for allowing it to financially ruin me. But now that there is a little bit of time between the separation and today, I wish that I could tell him this:

“Our relationship didn’t work out but in the end you did right by me and I thank you for that.”

I just want to be able to say that. Just do right by me and go your own way. That isn’t too much to ask. Is it?

I’ve also been baffled about why he’s so damn mad at me. Every single time we talk he gets upset and overreacts. I think now wait a minute, he cheated on me, he abandoned me when my money ran out, he left me penniless, and HE’S MAD AT ME?

I suppose that’s just concrete proof of his narcissism, his ability to not take any blame for how things went, and he never, ever will. I must stop expecting him to be warm or human or sorry for what happened. It is not in his makeup to be that way. Plus, the only way he can live with himself is to demonize me.

Since I’m not swimming today I plan to fit a good walk in somewhere in my day, perhaps the evening when I’m done at the kid’s center.

My latest business idea is still percolating in my head almost constantly. I wish so much I could begin right now to make it happen. The more I think about it, the more I’m in love with it. As I’m swimming, if my thoughts are on troubling things like my tooth, my husband, etc., I begin to imagine my shop and I go into another world. I’m not sure I’ve ever wanted anything as much in my life!

In the end I hope to be a woman on her own with her own business. Ultimately I’d consider staying here with my parents while they wait for their house to regain equity so they can sell it. Perhaps by then I can buy a house and we can sell theirs and live in mine. Another fantasy is that my business idea works so well that I open one in Portland for my daughter to run. She’s at loose ends and this is the first business idea that I’ve had that I can see her wanting to be a part of. So for that reason I really hope it works out as well.

I’m so excited. It’s hard to be patient!



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