I ate an entire bag of mini marshmallows yesterday. It’s a combination of not being prepared when I was out and allowing myself to get too hungry. Then when I was at the market, I caved into the craving. Once I have the cheat item, I can’t control myself — I eat it until it’s gone. I’m so disappointed in myself.
So today I weigh 199,4. I feel I’ll never get out of the 199s! I think I’ll go swim today just to try to offset those marshmallows a little bit.
I also eat directly in proportion to my stress level and right now I’m doing a great deal of thinking and planning for my new business idea. I wrote up a description this morning and sent it to my brother for feedback. I’m really curious what he will say. This is the kind of business that caters to the international and/or more sophisticated student so I need to remain flexible while I figure out what they need.
I am really tempted to put that description here in this blog, but have decided to keep it under wraps for a bit longer. I think the idea is pretty hot and if done right would be a great asset to a university town. I already bought the domain name and have set up a Twitter account.
I think keeping this food journal and weighing every day is a good idea. Even though I haven’t done great this week and my weight loss will be truly minimal, I feel that keeping track does me good and will prevent me from giving up entirely.
I’m so exhausted. My mother is a very hard person to live with. She’s quite oblivious to other people’s needs and makes so much noise in the morning or in the night with the dogs. I don’t know how someone with such small feet can make so much noise walking on a wood floor but I am routinely woken up at 5 a.m. with her walking, putting dishes away, running the bathroom fan with the door open. And I’m not one to go back to sleep once I’ve woken.
I wish I had my own place, but that’s not in the near future. Even if I ever do get my own home again, I’d probably want them to come live with me. We generally get along fine and it just makes sense, especially when one of them passes. I can barely type that, it’s so inconceivable. They have no equity in this house so they need to keep it another year or so anyway before they can sell it.
If they were to live with me, the dynamic of the house would change quite a bit and my mom might relax a little, although that’s hard to believe as she is tightly wound. But in my dreams I buy a better home in a better neighborhood (with an extra bathroom) and they live with me.
I can’t say enough about how much the Chump Lady website is helping me to deal with my husband’s infidelity and our future divorce. I’m shocked every day at how eloquent her readers are and blown away by her and their advice. This is not your ordinary blog! I have entertained the idea of starting a MeetUp group for local chump ladies and men. I wonder what the interest would be. Perhaps I should put out feelers.
I’m very broke and fearful that I’ll run out of money before the end of the month. I need to be more responsible.
A bit later.
Well, my phone rang and it was my husband. He was meeting a friend to watch a futbol (I refuse to say “soccer”) match and was just killing time. He said there was nothing new with the case and we chatted like friends for about 15 minutes. I laughed at him being his usual absurd self and he laughed because I was laughing. It was so wonderful. That is the man I love.
I could have always kept loving him but he threw it away. I’ll truly never know why. Because we had a nice chat and not a fight, I’m feeling really down now. I still love and desire the person who caused me more pain than any one ever has in my entire life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not tempted to go back (even if he asked). I’m just still in a fragile place. But he’s not worthy of my love and devotion.
I pray that the case will be resolved this Fall and then he’ll make his plans to leave this town which he claims to hate. I don’t think I can fully heal until I know I can no longer run into him in town. At the same time, I’ll hurt all over again knowing that chapter is finally closed. I long for a day to come where I do not feel love and longing for him. I wonder if these feelings are real or just an illusion.