My Progress Reverses and I Lose Hope

Shit. I ate okay in the day yesterday, but then blew it in the evening. I weigh more today than yesterday, 199.4 which doesn’t surprise me because there was no way I actually lost 2.6 pounds last week. Sigh.

I’m in a bad place because a.) my husband called yesterday and asked for “sexual favors,” and b.) my mom is particularly jumpy and obnoxious today. I wish so much I had my own place right now! I’m not ungrateful, I really am not, but honestly I can’t see why dad stayed with mom all these years.

So I decided I didn’t like the new domain name I bought for my new business and I wrote to my husband to ask about another domain name we owned (I bought) and found out that we still own it. So I asked him if he’d call the hosting company and transfer that domain name to my account. He said he would. Then he typed, “Call me.”

So, being a chump, I did.

He said he’d help me with the website thing if I’d give him sexual favors. It fucking breaks my heart because I love sex with him. I said, “No thanks. It’s not that I don’t miss it, but no.” I told him that all I need him to do is transfer ownership to me and when it came time to build the site, I’d pay someone to do it and not ask him for help.

He said that was a shame.

I suppose I should be grateful he fucked someone else. If he didn’t I would still be very tempted to go back to him. I miss him so much. Yet for most of a given day I am imagining my future completely without him. Why does he have this hold on me? I still wonder if it’s just that my ego is so incredibly bruised from him simply discarding me like yesterday’s trash.

He doesn’t seem to have a full time woman in his life. She probably lives up in Portland or something. He probably sees her once a week and has lots of juicy phone sex with her. Asking for something from me is supposed to make me feel flattered, I guess, but it’s just insulting. Especially given that I fear I’ll never make love again.

I was about to say, “I’m his wife. How dare he insult me that way.” And then I realized he’s already insulted me in the worst way a spouse can. Being his wife means very little to him in the end.

And him attempting to behave as though he doesn’t have anyone is also insulting because of course he does. He’d never admit it, but he has to have someone to help look after him financially. I am such a naive chump to still feel affection for him.

I forced myself to remember some of the ways he really sucked at marriage and the list is long, but then the things that were good kept interfering with my thought process. He did love me. He did show me a lot of affection. He did stimulate my mind. And yes, he’s an abusive asshole. I’m so mad at myself for longing for him. I thought those days were behind me.

Today I sent him a very short email saying we need to stick to email and text and if we have to talk on the phone to keep it short. He is not affected by these conversations, I AM. I have to protect myself.

Anyway, off of that topic. I’ve changed my business idea again slightly as I mentioned, but it’s no big deal because I haven’t spent any money on my flip flopping. When I swim today I hope things get clearer for me. That’s when clarity comes to me, in the pool after about 20 minutes of swimming. It’s heaven.

My swim suit is a total embarrassment. I’m waiting until the first of July to buy another one. When I get out of the pool the outer layer of the suit is so stretched out that it hangs down and makes the suit look like it’s skirted! Luckily I’m not out to impress anybody there. I wonder if the increased drag on that suit is making swimming harder!?

To be honest I feel more depressed today than I have in weeks. I’m so glad I have a counseling appointment tomorrow. After swimming I am going to read some of my self help book, The Happiness Trap, to get some focus.

I’m so disappointed in myself. Why can’t I harden my heart?

 

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2 responses to “My Progress Reverses and I Lose Hope

  1. Every time you talk to your husband, you feel bad. He didn’t call you and ask you for sexual favors, he waited until you contacted him. He’s just pushing your buttons for the frickin fun of it. When I got divorced, I had almost no contact with my ex. I highly recommend you don’t contact him at all. Come up with your own domain name and forget the old one you had with him before. You are so much happier when you don’t contact him. Keep moving forward!! I love that exercise high too, it feels sooo good. Like I can tackle anything!

  2. I’m sort of thick that it took me days to realize that I am always profoundly depressed after we have a friendly chat on the phone. DUH! As much as I enjoy them, they are just faux conversations and only open my wounds. I really think no contact is the only way I can heal, but until I have my half of that settlement money I have to play nice with him and must find a way to protect myself at the same time. Thanks so much for your support, Cynthia.

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