I Was Smug, I Admit that in Hindsight

Have I mentioned how much I hate weighing every day? Today I weigh 199.9, a full pound more than the scale said on Sunday, two days ago. I’m not eating great, but I’m not eating weight gaining quantities — I PROMISE. The truth is, I did NOT lose 2.6 pounds last week, I haven’t lost that much weight in a week in months.

BUT, I am not doing well enough, and I’ll be really sad if tomorrow it reads 200 again. I just can’t get away from 200.

That’s all I’ll write on that for now. It causes too much anxiety and depression. But I will not give up.

I was smug about my weight loss because I KNEW there would be loss and there always was. Now that it’s a battle, I’m not smug. I’m terrified.

I will swim hard this morning and later on I’ll go to my counselor. I need to make firm plans to do more with my time. On days when I volunteer, my schedule is full and I don’t get into trouble because of having too much time on my  hands. This week I don’t have a volunteer schedule yet because they didn’t have any kids coming in for forensic interviews.

And you can’t complain about that because that means that perhaps this week there were less opportunities for kids to witness domestic violence or less kids being sexually abused. So, no cases is a good thing.

I really feel like giving up and coming down hard on myself and I am trying to resist it. I’m still reeling from the emotions of talking to my husband twice over the weekend.

I like talking to him. I always have. I hate depriving myself of it. I wish he were totally unlikeable.

I am happy to report that my business idea keeps on gelling and that excites me very much. The problem with that is that I have no money to act on it and I may never! But I’ve gotten to a place of being more realistic about starting small and then growing rather than throwing it all away at once. I’m cautiously optimistic. I’m sure it will continue to evolve in my mind.

And the domain name has been transferred to me and it’s a great name. I’m considering learning how to create/upload? a WordPress template from scratch rather than having anyone else do it and then taking it over. It would be an interesting learning experience. I would rather learn it from a human, though, and not from watching 25 YouTube videos on how it’s done. Also I fear it may be too technical.

And speaking of technical, I applied for a job with the city that I feel I’d be perfect for. It took me three hours to complete their online application. I’ve never seen anything like it before. Utterly painstaking. I suppose that process weeds out the men from the boys. But it’s the sort of position, especially because it does not require a degree, that they will probably get a thousand applicants for. I did my best and clicked send and will now try not to think about it again.

Sadly, the odds of me even getting an interview are almost as  tough as winning any lottery. Back in the day I got almost every job I ever applied for. I was really lucky. Those days are gone.

And to be fair, I am not fully qualified for the position, although certainly I could be trained in the areas I’m weakest. But in this town, in this economy, fully qualified people will be lining up.

As far as my website goes, I’ve really slowed up on it. It’s unbelievably time consuming and I am so tired of being a slave to this computer. I love the internet and most social media, but too much is too much. I’ll keep up on it minimally since I’ve put it on my application and resume and maybe some potential employer will take a quick look at it.

I haven’t worked outside the home in about ten years, so that looks really bad on a resume yet I know in that time I’ve learned many useful skills that would benefit many employers. I just don’t seem to have the opportunity to show them.

I’ll apply for interesting jobs like this one and who knows, I may land one, but they are few and far between and the chances aren’t good. It’s hard for anyone scanning resumes to grasp that I can be 56 and really on top of this internety-pop-culturey-thing when people half my age aren’t.

I was going to say ‘I truly have given myself an education’ but you know what? My husband gave it to me. He taught me almost everything I know about the internet and websites, and he taught me how to find out what I don’t know. I appreciate that. He was a good teacher.

I’m disillusioned about my women’s transition group because it’s now feeling too small. One woman will only speak if directly asked a question — she never volunteers information. Then there’s me, an open book, and the two leaders. This feels too small and I don’t know what to do about it. I’ll give it a session or two more and then decide. There are, after all other groups I can join. I probably need to join some group doing something physical more than I need more chatting and fucking self reflection.

Or perhaps that’s just me quitting. I do that. I quit.

Being me really wears me out. I can only imagine how wearing it would be on anyone reading this. I’m sorry.

My dad just got up to use the restroom. He’s so fragile, but more so in the mornings. It sounds like it’s just a chore to wake up and get moving. He groans a lot. This breaks my heart.

The clock is ticking and I hate that I have to be in this waiting mode.


2 responses to “I Was Smug, I Admit that in Hindsight

  1. Yay for getting a job application submitted. You never know, maybe it will happen. Here’s a suggestion for your group. Ask them if they’d be interested in walking at a local park (or somewhere) next time. Maybe even at some point say something about the reflection stuff, like how it doesn’t work so well for you. You can probably say something lighthearted they won’t get mad at. Who knows, maybe they feel the same, they’re just doing it because it’s supposed to help?? It may be a small group, but right now you need some friends. They may not be the perfect friends, but nobody’s perfect anyways. Wouldn’t it be fun if you all went on a little day trip or outing? Maybe there’s an art or music festival nearby you could go to. Or antiquing (or charity shopping)? Or you could even just go to a movie. Just some thoughts to help you get what you want from the group.

    • Yes, Cynthia, for the simple fact that I need other people to interact with, I will hang on to this group until I can replace it with something better. Or until it gets better. Thanks for your support. I really like the idea of getting out and walking with them. I’ll bring it up next week.

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