Realizations

Yesterday I did swim with much gratitude, then I put on a dress and went to the kids center to finish some paperwork. After that I went to two charity shops and spent $1.99 just for fun. Later my parents took me to dinner and because they don’t have exotic tastes I couldn’t go where I’d prefer to go, and we just had pizza and salad.

I was aware that my husband didn’t acknowledge my birthday and I really didn’t expect him to. I didn’t acknowledge his in May. But I was reminded of how I spent the last cent I had last year taking him to a very nice restaurant and then out for drinks afterwards. And when my birthday came along a month later, nothing for me. This was what happened for birthdays and Christmas year after year yet he constantly told me he was not materialistic and that I was.

I ate poorly yesterday and today I weigh 200.4 — can you believe that? I’m going to give it a really good effort today and tomorrow in the hopes that on Sunday it’s back to the dumb 199s again. My dad’s 80th birthday is next week so there will be more temptations so I have to prepare for that.

Last night dad asked me if I had told my sister about my weight loss. I told him no because we simply don’t communicate very much. He said he had spoken to her and told her that I was doing great on my weight loss and she said, “Oh is she losing weight?” And he said, “Yeah, about 50 pounds.” I looked at him and said, “Seventy.” He said, “Wow.”

It does sound impressive. And to be honest, any item of clothing that I try to wear from that period of my life looks bad on me now.

My sister is taller than I am at 6 feet. Several years ago she got up to 350 pounds and began to have health problems. She eventually had gastric bypass and was one of those people who had a very hard time adjusting to it even though she did everything they told her to do. She seems to be okay now and is quite thin, but she does smoke a lot. She says she’ll never be naked in front of a man again because of a lot of extra skin.

Sometimes I’m envious of the fact that she doesn’t have to struggle with every food decision. She simply can’t eat that much. And she will never be fat again, which I cannot say will be true for me. I considered the bypass surgeries but in the end decided against it because I’ve had enough surgeries and couldn’t handle the idea of a voluntary one. I also feared that I’d end up with lifelong complications from it and didn’t want to risk that.

The long term effects of this surgery are still unknown and I kept having this horrible fantasy that I would end up with NO stomach! I also thought, since they demand that you lose a good 20 pounds before the surgery, that if I can lose 20 pounds I can lose more, and that’s been true. True but hard, as you can see.

The truth is, especially because of my sister’s smoking (and for a while drinking too much), I am fitter than she is even while still being 40 pounds or so overweight.

My sister has always been a bit of a flake but I need to reach out to her more. She ended up in a horrible city in the South because her ex-husband moved them there when they ran out of money and she’s been stuck ever since. She used to talk to my mom weekly or more, in fact they had very long conversations, but some things happened between my mom and her a few years ago that made my sister stop calling very often and to keep my mom at arm’s length.

Even now, my sister loves my dad, but never calls to find out how his health is. So my dad picks up the phone and calls her because my mom is doing her pouting routine because it’s all about her. My sister will tell my dad, “Have mom call me if she wants.” And dad will pass that on to my mom, and my mom won’t pick up the phone. She is incredibly petty.

Perhaps I can be incredibly petty as well, but I have always drawn the line at pettiness with my own daughter.  I won’t play games with her or risk losing my relationship with her.

I get resentful that my sister doesn’t answer my emails or my Facebook messages. And when we do talk she is often distracted by something else going on in her house so she’s not all there. Oh, and she rarely asks me how I am. It’s a very one sided relationship. Nevertheless, I don’t know what hell she’s going through and how she manages to pay her own rent and deal with the problems that come up in the lives of her five grown children so I must give her some slack.

She didn’t acknowledge my birthday and that’s sort of typical her. Jeez, you don’t need to spend any money to wish your sister a happy birthday on Facebook!

I romanticize my sisterly relationship and it’ll never be as good as I want it to be. I can accept that and still reach out to her.

Ah, family dynamics. Our family is odd, but still better than most families.

My parents bought me a month pass for the pool which I really appreciate. I am pretty sure I don’t have $35 in the bank right now and my pass just ran out, so whew.

I keep revising (in my mind) my latest business idea and I’m unbelievably excited about it. My newest plan is to be less focussed on the student population which can be so fickle, but to have a warehouse-y location which can also be open to the public and then have a really nice website and sell online.

Several months ago I spoke about what my “perfect” job would be which is to travel throughout Europe, the UK, and other places, like Turkey, and buy stuff to bring home and sell. I generally laugh it off as something I could never pull off but lately I realized I can make that happen if I start really small.

Obviously I can’t go travel to buy goods, but thanks to the Internet, I can find the goods and buy them online. If I do things right, I will eventually be able to take one or two buying trips a year. That is my dream job. That is what I am going to strive for. But in the beginning I have to start very small and make the right decisions.

I basically decided that if I have a dream job, I should do that instead of something else. Especially while I have the support of my family. So, even if I don’t get any settlement money, I will still try to launch this tiny business by selling the one nice piece of jewelry I have left and going from there. That’s not a huge risk, is it? That ring will not help me to fix my car or rent an apartment. It’s lovely but it reminds me of my marriage so I have mixed feelings about it. And yes, I bought it for myself. I even paid for our wedding bands.

My husband has been suspiciously quiet these last few days. He honestly feels there’s no reason for us to communicate and is annoyed when I touch base with him. He is so fucking lucky he was able to simply wash his hands of me! If the settlement wasn’t looming I’d pull away too, believe me, but when he’s quiet for more than three days at a time I fear he may have left the area.

Several days ago I sent him a brief email asking for any image files he might still have regarding the domain name for my new business idea. It took him three days to respond via text that he’d check to see what he had. I’ve heard nothing since. I am simply not on his mind. When he decided he was done with me he really was done with me. Fuck, that hurts so, so much.

He can’t even acknowledge that we had something, no matter how dysfunctional and co-dependent it was. It makes me think he probably didn’t actually love me after all. These narcissistic types are so lucky with their on and off switches.

I know by now that he’ll never acknowledge that I sacrificed everything for him because he is convinced he sacrificed an equal amount for me, which he certainly did not.

When the settlement is in my hands I will immediately begin divorce proceedings and get that behind me once and for all. It’ll probably be around October or November, which will be about a year since we split up.

I finally feel that when the divorce is behind me I will not find it hard to let him go once and for all. In fact, I look forward to it. I think I’m finally done romanticizing our awful marriage. I just realized how profound this is; that I am getting to a point where I want him out of my life as much as he wants me out of his. It’s a relief.

I haven’t spoken to his daughters in a few weeks. It’s hard with the time difference and because I’m at the pool when they feel like talking. I’m getting the feeling I won’t have much of a relationship with them, but the younger one will keep in touch. If they do move to Oregon, I can see her hoping on the train to visit me from time to time. I hope she does, anyway.

Well, some of the realizations I’ve had this morning are surprising me. I will reach out to my sister more. I am looking forward to having my husband out of my life. These are good things. I never thought I’d get to this place.

 

 

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