I weigh two ounces less than yesterday so I’m just going to say it’s still 199. But last night I did something very difficult.
I had been working for days on a video I’m putting together for my dad for his 80th birthday. Scanning hundreds of pics, tweaking them in Photoshop, and then trying to use iMovie, which I’m a novice at. It is grueling work and I don’t think I can finish it by his birthday, tomorrow. I should have started earlier.
I didn’t exercise this weekend, which felt really weird, but I had been engrossed in this birthday project on Saturday, the only day the pool is open on the weekend.
I was getting too tired to continue working on it last night and was going to go veg out and watch some tv. It must have been near 9 p.m. But instead I put comfortable sandals on and took a 20 minute brisk walk. It felt really good.
When I got home I turned on the television and began to channel search. A few times I found myself in the kitchen staring at what’s in the fridge or checking out my parent’s snack food. Finally I sat down in my chair and just thought, No, don’t do it. You’re not hungry. For this night only, don’t eat after dinner. Somehow I did it and I was so proud. It’s been ages since I was able to do that. Now I just pray I can do it again tonight. THAT is the only way I will get the rest of this weight off — to control my nighttime eating.
When I was first in shock about my separation and about my husband’s cheating, I was so depressed my stomach was in knots and it was not at all hard not to eat. In fact even eating meals was hard. Those days are behind me, thank goodness. I’d rather be struggling with weight than feeling that degree of pain, and that’s saying something.
So the truth is, even though I don’t want to admit it, my true weight loss has only begun now. My first goal is to gain no weight as I try to figure this out. The second goal is to find out how to eat to allow myself a small weight loss each week.
I’m not sure how I’ll do. In the early days of this journey I knew I’d get to my desired weight. I knew it without a doubt. Now that I’ve struggled for two months more or less at the same weight, I’m not so sure. In the end if I stop losing weight at around 165, I could handle that and it would be about a 100 pound weight loss.
Time will tell.
Last night I was writing a comment on the Chump Lady website when I suddenly knew that I had been conned by my husband. He’d never admit it, of course, and he’d be greatly insulted that I would think that, but he did.
We met in a chatroom and he began calling me every day several times a day. I don’t know where he got the money for the long distance phone bill between London and Oregon. He knew every move I made and pried into every detail of my life all the while making himself out to be a success. I never had a chance to mourn my marriage or gain any independence. Even though he was thousands of miles away, he was with me every moment.
And here I was a newly divorced woman with half the assets from an 18 year marriage in my hands. Within a few months he flew to meet me and we were together since then.
Last night I wanted to write to him and tell him that I can’t trust him to give me half his settlement because it’d just be so easy for him to take the money and go and I can’t see him resisting that opportunity.
I’m glad I didn’t send him one of my famous late night emails.
This morning I have reminded myself that his attorney is holding that agreement we both signed and he also wants to be my attorney when my husband’s case is over. If he thought my husband was going to take the funds and go, he would not offer to be my attorney. I hope that makes sense.
Yes, I wish I had my own attorney, but I’ve written and called and can’t find anyone who will help me without a large deposit. Yes, there is legal aid, I’ve used them for my financial woes, but they are too over taxed to help with issues like this.
I’m having to rely on faith and gut instinct, which isn’t great knowing how naive I can be and have been. And I need this money desperately to save myself, my daughter, and ultimately my parents. I FUCKING NEED THIS MONEY.
On a lighter note, it’s beautiful and sunny. I’m going to go for a swim and then come home and work on my dad’s birthday video.