Hanging on to Hope

I haven’t weighed in several days. I haven’t written down the food I’ve eaten. I only swam once last week, which has never happened in all the months I’ve been swimming. I have walked an hour each day, however. I just felt too punk, stuffed up, and my ear hurts.

I’d eat well until mid afternoon and then I’d blow it and have candy. What the fuck is it with me and candy? I mean, it’s not very dignified for a woman my age.

I became convinced that my weight loss and fitness journey is not only over, but that I will now quickly gain it all back.

I weighed this morning and it was 200.2. Frankly I thought it would be more, so I’m relieved.

All the posts I wrote about people wanting to be fat I now feel are bullshit. Even though I weigh 200, it’s as hard to lose weight now as it was for me when I was much bigger before my separation. My appetite for sweets is insatiable. Food is what I turn when I’m stressed.

I’m going to keep fighting this because I truly want to be at least 20 pounds lighter. I just have to keep trying. I will continue to weigh everyday and write my food down and I am also going to up my physical activity.

Now that the rain is gone I realize how convenient it is to get dressed and go out the door and walk for an hour. I really do push myself to walk hard and fast and it’s not easy for me due to wonky hips and a bad knee. The only important part now is that I must go before it gets too hot out.

I plan to swim this morning although I don’t know what to expect there on a Saturday after the 4th of July. But the pool is busy with various things until 11:30 a.m. or so and the public swim starts at 1:00 p.m. so my window to swim on Saturdays is in between.

I feel I need to go because NOTHING can work my upper body like swimming can. Also, from walking three days in a row, I’m feeling kind of sore and feel mixing it up would be beneficial for me.

I spent a lot of time online yesterday trying to do research on what to buy for my impending new import business. It’s such a tough choice. I honestly wish I could fly to London for a week and buy things from charity shops and “car boot sales” and ship it all back here. While I’m there I’ll look at new stuff and consider whether to import it to the U.S. or not. If the settlement is large, I guess I will do that.

My ideas are too spread out right now. I’ll be glad when I can narrow them down a bit but for now, they are all just ideas so that’s okay, I guess.

For the first time in the year that this case has been pending, there is something on the calendar this week, the man my husband is suing is being deposed on the 10th, this Thursday. I predict his lawyers will cancel the day before because they’ve been totally incommunicado so far and apparently do not want to cooperate, but they can’t brush this under the rug forever. The legal process is long and cumbersome, but there are measures in place where eventually you need to shit or get off the pot, so to speak.

I spoke to my husband while I was walking yesterday for about five or so minutes. When we hung up I put No Doubt on loud on my iPhone and my ear buds in and kept walking, but part of me still loves that man. I guess that affection will have to wear off slowly.

The progress I’ve made is that I believe what he did and how he did it is truly inexcusable and unforgivable. If he loved me he never would have done that. It’s possible he never loved me, but I think he did have genuine affection for me. It’s just that he is a first rate narcissist and that genuine affection has a short shelf life. One of the hardest parts in all this is that he’s got the gall to blame me for what he did, and I won’t accept that, ever.

When I’m out and about I generally don’t take much notice of anyone who is around me, male or female of any age, but lately I’ve begun to sort of look up at the older male who is alone just to see what I can figure out. I still keep realizing that they’re much older or much younger than I initially thought. I do not know what a man my age looks like, and I wonder if any even exist.

I almost feel guilty when I’m looking at a man (and this is not in a flirtatious or obvious way, it’s purely for my own knowledge) and then his wife walks up. I wonder if they can tell I’m single and wondering about their man, or worse.

I told my counselor this week that it’s actually a relief for me that I stopped worrying constantly if there’d ever be another man in my life, or if I’d ever have sex again. She said it’s important to go slow and date for a full calendar year. I told her that sounded good. I’ve never dated. Literally never dated. I have only married and been a wife. Weird, I know.

It might be fun to find someone and get to know him slowly. To see him two or three times a week and maybe spend the night with him now and then, but not to live together. As long as I trust that we are exclusive, I might enjoy that since I’ve never done it. I wonder how hard it will be to trust again.

I want to have the chance to meet someone and date a little, but I can’t imagine it happening. I still have virtually no social life and I’m almost painfully shy. The men who come into the kids center where I volunteer are all younger or married and they are police officers who I hear are notorious cheaters. I need to get out and meet people some other way. I’d like to meet men through a woman friend, to be honest, through a friend who says, “I know someone you should go out with.” But I have no friend.

I ended up missing my women’s group this week because it was the night of my dad’s birthday celebration. The group is so small I fear it will fizzle away. I hope it doesn’t.

I guess I’ll look into classes at the community college, but they’ve already begun. I blew it by not looking sooner. The only other option is to join a walking or hiking group, so that’s what I’ll do next.

So, I’m not giving up, but not overly optimistic. Just not gaining for now is almost acceptable for me as I don’t want to freak out and panic and give up. My god I threw away all my fat clothes!

I bought some delicious lotions (thank you, Burt’s Bees) and take time at night to wash my face gently and apply the yummy smelling stuff. It’s my small way of pampering myself and it does feel so good. I don’t expect these lotions will actually undo any damage, but they make me feel pampered and it’s an alternative to eating at night. I look at my face to figure out who I am and what I actually look like and I’m dumbfounded. Sometimes I look young, unwrinkled and fresh. Other times I look haggard and covered in fine lines. Perhaps most people see me as something in the middle — I don’t know!

On the night of my birthday my mom and dad took me to dinner and I had been busy talking about something when my mom said, “I know it’s not the most important thing in the world, honey, but you are still such a gorgeous woman.” And that meant a lot to me. I know that probably sounds shallow, but my looks were all I had going for me (or so I thought) in my younger days, and when you realize they are gone then that’s pretty depressing.

I never bothered to figure out something that would give me substance or make me interesting or interested. I’m doing that now, of course, but wish I had done it earlier in my life.

I’m working on this video for my dad’s birthday and to celebrate my parent’s long relationship. I found many photos of me where I look truly hideous and unrecognizable. Now when I am washing my face I actually feel bone under my skin and it feels so weird. For so long when I washed my face it was just soft from so much fat. My face has definition again. I have cheekbones, a chin, and a neck. I am closer to the me I should have been had I never been fat.

I want to go on to be the best version of me that I can and be as healthy as I can be for as long as possible.

I want to travel to England and beyond.

I want to start my own business and work very, very hard at it. I want to be so into it that I barely give a thought to the fact that I don’t have a man. And someday, if I’m lucky I’ll suddenly realize there is a man I’m interested in and I’ll take a long slow time to get to know him, and him me.

Thanks, as always, for reading my stuff.




3 responses to “Hanging on to Hope

  1. So glad you are walking when you are not swimming! Do not give in to food and candy. A hiking group could be good, don’t you think?

  2. Ellen, I DO think it would be good. I just have to find one!

  3. I love how you dream of awesome things. I think if you take one day at a time and keep taking care of yourself so well as you have been, many of those dreams really are possible.

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