When is a Dream Just a Dream and When is it Something to Strive For?

I don’t feel like writing much these days, but that’s because I’m not doing well. Not doing well at the diet. Not doing well emotionally. Doing okay with exercise.

I’ve been weighing (except I forgot this morning) and my weight is staying put, going up or down by only a few ounces every day. Not gaining isn’t losing, but for now it’s acceptable.

I’m amazed, frankly, that my weight is more or less stable when I am eating so badly. My fingers are killing me from biting the skin. I sleep with lotion and cotton gloves on, but can’t seem to heal my hands. Nerves.

Stopped working on my website, the one I begged my husband to help me bring back up last January or so. It’s so time consuming, and I just don’t see how it can help me anymore. My heart is not in it. If any money does come from this settlement, I have no desire to stay in this field.

I do spend a lot of time thinking of my new potential business but without money there’s nothing I can do about it. I do research. I tweak the idea of the business, which is turning more into an Anglophile’s dream. I want England to be a part of my life and this is how I will do it. The idea of seeing London on my own terms and not at the mercy of a crabby and angry man feels so exciting.

I spoke to his daughters yesterday, and asked them if they would even move here if they got the chance. They both said, “We haven’t lived with our dad for 12 years.” And that really says it all. I don’t think they’ll make it here. I don’t think they’ll become American citizens after all. I did say to them, “Your dad’s been chasing unicorns and he missed your childhood.” They said nothing to that. They’ve been raised by their grandmother, his mom, and she is their mom. Plus they have their “real” mom who does flit in and out of their lives. But at least she stayed in their country.

I am nervous that my husband will take off with his settlement and I need to get over feeling guilt over not trusting him, and go consult with an attorney. I guess I’ll try to do that this week, find one willing to consult with me for free. Less of them are doing that these days. If he took off with his settlement my life would be over, so why aren’t I doing more to ensure that I get what I am entitled to? To be honest, a judge might award me more than 50%, since I’ve lost all my assets in our marriage and he never had any to begin with.

He has told me to go get my own attorney if I’m so worried, but I know if I do he’ll be insulted and angry that I don’t “trust” him. Why the fuck should I trust him? He thinks he’s so trustable. He won’t even admit that he screwed another woman while we were still together. He’s living in a dream land where he’s always the good guy, the put upon guy. He needs to feel that way about himself. Taking on his shame and failure is more than he can handle.

At the same time I am still shocked (and this can only indicate how very stupid I am) at his utter indifference to me. If he had his way he’d have walked out of my life and never looked back. His feelings for me were simply switched off. I still can’t wrap my head around it. I’m halfway in between despising him and still wanting him to love and care for me. I am exhausted by it and just want off this ride.

To be honest, what I want is to get the settlement and get on with living. I am tired of having no purpose to my day/life. I want to exhaust myself with work. Yes, it will be frightening to take the plunge and start my own business, but I have to do it. It is how I will get my fulfillment from now on.

Yes, I’d like to be part of a couple. I’d like to have someone to go out to a nice restaurant with, or drive me to Ashland to the Oregon Shakespeare Festival, or someone to make love with. But I look around me and see no one of potential. Single men my age are rare and men my age that are intriguing to me seem to be non existent. Perhaps when I become a business woman and find myself dealing with real people in the real world I’ll find him, but my hopes are not high. Yes I feel resentment that my husband ruined my future. When he met me I was 48 and could imagine finding someone at that age. Not at 57.

It’s funny how in the dead of winter I just wanted the long days of summer, only now I’m so aware of how long the days are and how I have nothing to fill them. I do everything alone and I feel embarrassed by that. I’m spending money at the charity shops again, and I need to reign that in. What will I do with this shit if I have no home of my own? NOTHING.

I’m fascinated by what makes a business successful. Something like Facebook or Twitter is successful because they filled a need that didn’t really exist before. But is it possible for a retail establishment to knock anyone’s socks off these days? Brick and mortar stores are all closing.

Is it enough to have an idea that you are passionate about? Probably not, but it’s a good start. I cannot compete with the likes of Pier 1 or World Market, but can I create my own niche? I like to think I can. Certainly there is a growing fascination with all things English; there is even a new (dumb) reality show “The Ladies of London.”

Doctor Who is so wildly popular in the U.S. now that they release new episodes at the same time in the US and UK.

What amazes me, too, is that as small as England is, they still have manufacturing there and we have so little here. They still have a thriving ceramics industry, for example. Try finding someone to make demitasse cups with your initials on them here in the USA. I can’t find one manufacturer, although certainly I can find people who will order and import them from China.

I’ve got a list of places in the UK that I hope to contact and be able to import their stuff, from Dents gloves to Harrods shopping bags.

This is a niche market, no doubt about it. But that’s why I predict that at least half my business will be online business.

Here’s an example of finding a way to set myself apart. There are tons of U.S. cooks, bakers mostly, who go out of their way to buy Kerry’s Irish Butter. I bought it in England, of course, and pay through the nose for it here in the U.S. Why? Because it’s better than any butter I’ve ever tasted. It is sold in most mainstream stores now and even though Oregon has a thriving dairy and cheese industry, once you’ve used Kerrys, no other butter exists! BUT, my point here is that UK butter is a different shape from U.S. butters, and so none of our butter dishes work for UK butter.

If I can be a U.S. source of awesome UK butter dishes, then I’ve filled a niche no one else has tried to fill. I find the idea of that both fun and a bit challenging. Large importers reading this, don’t steal my idea!

Granted everything I plan to carry is probably for people who have more money than sense. Not very responsible I suppose. But people without much money (like me) do treat themselves to rare things, and people with money don’t care.

I’m going to find a way to import things, mostly from Britain, and make a living from it. And in the process, I plan to take two trips to the UK a year. This would make me very, very happy.

If I make the right decisions, then I can help to support my family. I can involve my daughter in the business. I can even move my sister here from Louisiana, where she is horribly depressed.

In my fantasy I am able to buy a home that’s big enough for all of us to live. I know, I have to watch it. I am such a dreamer.

I have a lifetime of grandiose fantasies and never following through on any of them. Fear grips me at the last moment. I don’t think a person can ever know if their idea is worth pursuing. One simply has to do the research and then hold one’s breath. You can’t just take on ideas that you know already work.

The crucial part is sticking with it and not backing down. That is what I must remember.

I bought a Tyr bathing suit from St. Vincent de Paul (charity shop) for only $3 and it fits. Can you believe that? All the money I’ve spent on suits and I find one for $3. Unbelievable.

I’ve been either walking or swimming every day. The walking is interesting. My feet and knees hurt pretty badly during most of the walking, but at the same time I feel so strong and full of energy. I put on my music and ear buds and honestly feel like dancing and singing down the street. I have to restrain myself!

Thanks, as always, to the loyal few who read what I write.


4 responses to “When is a Dream Just a Dream and When is it Something to Strive For?

  1. Hi ML
    I feel for you having to move back with your parents, I know I would hate to have to do that and its bound to get you down!
    Try not to lose heart with stuff, you are doing so well – and yes you have your dreams where would any of us be without them.
    Here in the UK we do still have manufacturing business that’s true, but its nothing like it used to be, quite alot of cheap tat is bought in from places like Taiwan and China.
    London is an expensive city for everything these days, think it might be the most expensive in Europe now and most English people wouldnt be able to afford to live there unless they had either bought their property years ago or earned a very good salary. The cost of living throughout the country is getting higher all the time, but wages are capped, or low, or both.
    Having said that to me the UK is my home, and I would absolutely hate to live anywhere else. Its still a great place to be and Im still proud to be English!!
    PS If you do come over for a holiday, Car boot sales are not the place to find bargains anymore, charity shops are a better bet. Plus there is TK Maxx, dont know if you have heard of them? They have lots of cool stuff, very different.
    Take care, keep up the swimming 🙂
    PPS You write very well, might be another avenue you could pursue?

    • Kaz, I love TK Maxx. We have TJ Maxx here in the U.S. and they are very similar. To be honest, I’ve never been to a car boot sale, but I said I would go often. I just never did. I have found AMAZING things in the many charity shops in and around London. Things I will always cherish. I love London and hope I get to go back someday. I can’t live there, as I had planned with my British husband, but that’s okay, I can still enjoy it on holiday or perhaps for my future work. Still dreaming here.

  2. I feel like dancing and singing down the street too. It’s my happy time. No matter how hard it is to run or how tired I am or hot and sweaty, I’m happy. I only recently found Kerry’s butter. It’s better for you, grass fed cows. That’s why it tastes better. I’m glad to hear you are exercising. I think your plateau is like mine, just being at a comfort zone and afraid of a thinner me.

    • That feeling of wanting to dance and sing down the street is the oddest and most wonderful thing, isn’t it?

      It’s nice to know you’re a Kerry’s Irish butter fan, like me!

      My plateau is totally a self inflicted one, I’m simply eating too much, and for what reason, I still don’t know.

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