I Guess I Am Still a Chump

I can’t put my finger on what’s changed, but I feel in the last week that, A.) my eating is slowly coming under control, and B.) I’m exercising more or harder.

I don’t want to get ahead of myself, after all I haven’t weighed in several days. But I think we know when we’ve had “good” or “bad” days — at least I do. Due to my activity level, if I don’t eat junk, I will lose weight slowly, I know this about myself.

And there are days when I just don’t feel like going to the trouble to go to the pool, but it’s automatic now, so I do it. And I’m ALWAYS glad I did.

A few days ago at the pool the man in the next lane asked me where I got my Speedo backpack. I pulled up my goggles and told him speedo.com and he said something else, I said something else, and then we both swam on. Since I virtually never have interactions with the opposite sex, when I do they stand out. He seemed close to my age, I think.

Then I swam on wondering if this was an innocent inquiry or if he wanted to chat with me. In the end I had to conclude that I can’t imagine anyone finding me interesting looking with my white swim cap and my goggle lines around my eyes, and that it probably was an innocent inquiry. I’ll be glad for the day when a simple question doesn’t leave me scratching my head wondering what the motive was.

Still, whatever his motive, I am glad for the very brief interaction with someone. I tend to go into the pool building with such focus, and swimming laps is such a solitary thing, that I rarely make eye contact with anyone. Even in the locker room I am only focused on the matter at hand. I hear a lot of small talk around me, but never join in. Also, I’m still not comfortable with a bunch of naked 70 year old women seemingly in no hurry to get their clothes back on!

In some ways I am a bit of a bitch, I think.

My husband used to tell me that I am an “intimidating looking woman” which I found shocking. He told me that as a compliment, believe it or not, and I just didn’t know how to take it. On the one hand being an intimidating looking woman can be a good thing, on the other hand not so much. What makes me intimidating looking when my personality is not that way? Well, my height helps, perhaps. At 5’8″ I am taller than most women and a fair amount of men. But I generally think it’s my eyes.

As a kid my brother used to tease me by calling me “slits” which I found so humiliating and hurtful. He and my sister have huge blue eyes and I have more almond shaped eyes, greenish in color. My second husband, the attorney, used to describe my eyes as having a “Mongolian droop” which, frankly, is NOT an attractive sounding description!

As I deal with the hundreds of photographs for this video I am making my father, I see that I have always had these eyes that were more serious than my years, it’s just that as you age, the softness starts to go. I’m the type of person, like my grandfather, who will probably have to have eyelid surgery simply because the eyelid is in the way of my vision!

I guess, unlike some people who hate something about themselves and they go and change it, I can’t hate something that is totally me. If I changed my eyes I would no longer be me! And if I have to have that eyelid surgery someday, I’ll tell ’em to take only the minimal amount off! I want to be me. I want to love me as I am and not apologize for how I look.

My husband messaged me last night and told me that his attorney told him he could be at the deposition today at the courthouse. He asked me if I wanted to go. I told him if I thought it would help, I’d go, but that I didn’t think it would help this time. So while I’m swimming this morning he’ll be there facing this man who I feel ruined our lives. I hope I can force myself to stay in the water!

Just when I think I’m getting closer to the “meh” stage of my relationship with my husband, I have a day like yesterday when I see how very far I still have to go. Just the idea that he’ll more than likely be moving to Portland makes me sad, yet I also know that it’ll be a good transition stage for me. He’ll be gone, but not that far away. Then, when he does go for a truly far off place, I’ll hopefully be more able to handle it. I know I send such mixed messages. I say I want him to leave town more than anything, yet I dread it. I still feel such a connection to him.

But the cold, hard truth is he was cruel to me and he doesn’t want to be with me. I could never forget that he was with another woman and I could never be with someone who has the potential to be so cruel. I have to move on with my life. Having him leave town will hurt, but it’s all just another stage in my recovery. It has to be done.

Shit. I type that and still long for him and for the man I thought he was. I am pathetic. I AM A CHUMP.

I say that I want my town back and not be afraid of running into him, but now all of downtown just reminds me of him. I wonder how long that will be the case. I used to fear running into some of his downtown pals, but now I think they would probably not even recognize me with the weight loss.

Damn, I’m really hurting now, thinking of him leaving. Why’d he have to go and do this? Why can’t I admit he’s a user? Why do I still find him fascinating!? I really wish my therapist were not on vacation this week.

A day will come when he is gone and I need to go downtown and it will hit me that the man I shared eight years of my life with and much intimacy and adventure, is gone and I’ll wonder if it was all a dream.

Right now, if I could wake up and it be nine months ago instead of 8 and a half months ago, I would. I’m sure that makes me pathetic, and a glutton for punishment, and I know our future would still be bleak, but if this never happened, the settlement money would not have to be split between us, and we could have started a business together. This makes me sad. I don’t know if I have the nerve to start my business alone.

It’s alarming to think I have made such progress only to realize that I haven’t. All I can hope is that this is a blip and nothing that has to “stick”. This path is windy and long.

I have to apologize to anyone reading this and expecting my recovery to follow a straight path. I’m sure it must be frustrating to an outsider. I’m sure you just want to tell me to buck up and get over him. I don’t blame you.

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8 responses to “I Guess I Am Still a Chump

  1. still rather be a chump than an asshole!!!!

  2. “I guess, unlike some people who hate something about themselves and they go and change it, I can’t hate something that is totally me. If I changed my eyes I would no longer be me! And if I have to have that eyelid surgery someday, I’ll tell ‘em to take only the minimal amount off! I want to be me. I want to love me as I am and not apologize for how I look.”

    I can so relate to this! Everyonse should learn to love and accept themselves for what they are inside. I always got comments about how I looked as a child – and they were not positive! I decided that I wouldn’t change, and if people couldn’t like me for my values or my personality, I would still have my pride and integrity. I think progress is not following a straight line. There will be setbacks. But remember your nickname – you are moving, not stuck!!!!

  3. I hope your husband does leave so you will not have to struggle with his being around anymore. It sounds so draining. But I know it will be very hard for you if he does leave 😦

  4. I feel for you, my dear. I’m trying to do the “crickets” thing, myself, but It. Is. So. Hard. Listen to some music that you love, and go read Chump Lady again. 🙂 Keep taking good care of yourself.

  5. Thanks, Dayzha. It’s such an emotional roller coaster, isn’t it?

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