I was unable to swim this morning. I had to be at the kids center at 8 a.m. It was a long day because they needed me after lunch too, so I was there a full eight hours. Might end up doing the same thing on Friday.
I was minding my own fucking business reading Chump Lady today at lunch and the phone rings and it’s my husband. I don’t think he had a reason to call. He kept saying, “So what’s up?” And I’d tell him just a little and then I’d wonder why I’m telling him anything.
We talked about business ideas and the city we’re in and once again he said if I wanted to go into a particular business he’d partner with me. He’d put his money in and just let me run it.
I hate when he does that.
Of course if we pooled our money we might be able to actually DO something with the money, but don’t I want to cut the strings between us so that I can move on with my life? He claims he would not interfere, but c’mon. Would that mean he would stay in this city?
I told him I doubted I could do that. It would be too weird, but I’d think about it.
I know I shouldn’t. I know I should have said, “NO WAY.”
I wanted to say, ‘Guess what? If you hadn’t fucked another woman we could be together right now AND be business partners.’ But I didn’t.
My heart is breaking.
I find him fascinating. I could talk to him for hours. I am desirous of him.
I have to force myself to remember that he would not hold me when I was on my knees in front of him. That he chose a stranger over his wife. I have to force myself to recall the anger and violence in our relationship. I have to force myself to remember how I was sometimes embarrassed by his prejudices and opinions. And of course to remember that in our darkest hour he went out seven nights a week and found another pussy he wanted to put his dick into.
I’ll be honest, if a place became available and the price was right, I’d tell him I own 51% and have all the say so, and I’d get a lawyer to write that up. I’d let him help me set it up and then I’d tell him to go. And you know what? He would. He would because he’s fundamentally lazy and he gets bored. This idea we’ve had for over three years now and it’s the ONLY idea I keep coming back to that would almost guarantee a very good income for us. It is only for that reason that I’d consider it. Without his money, I cannot afford to do it.
I can envision a future that I think he is dreaming of. One where he fucks me a couple of times a month and has no real commitment to me. I can assure you that nothing like that will happen, even though I want him that way. I won’t do it. Ever.
I want to take care of my family. And if possible, I want to find an exciting and kind man. Someone who will appreciate me and never yell at me.
I’ve been considering going to church. I’ve only been twice in the last year, and to be frank I’m not religious. But I find going there to be very soothing. I like the formality of the Episcopal church service which is more or less an extension of the Church of England. We went to a neighborhood church in England because we had to in order to be married there and for some inexplicable reason I found peace there. The priest there was a woman and boy did she dislike my husband!
Maybe it’s all part of my Anglophilism (is that a word?) or a sign that I am reincarnated from a Brit — I don’t know why I’d want to go to church. I am NOT going to find a man there because I hear that religious men can be just as prone to cheating. Besides, I’m not religious. I know, it’s weird. But this is me we’re talking about.
Volunteering has been so great for me. If I were a paid employee there I’d be nervous and feel everyone was judging me, but because I’m giving myself to them they are so kind! I can also tell they like me and like having me around. Tomorrow I’m going to do a thorough search for more jobs I could apply for. I know that I can contribute wherever I go. Too bad people can’t see past my age. They should have seen me today pulling a four year old around the courtyard in a wagon, going fast!