I Feel Like I’ve Been Kicked

I woke up feeling pissed off at my husband for his gall. Although I’m not over how he made me feel yesterday (or how I let myself feel), I do feel stronger.

I have protected myself and not wanted to know anything about the other woman because I wanted to spare myself some pain. I am older than my husband and he hung out with 20 and 30 year olds, so she’s probably half my age. To know this would crush me so completely and I don’t think I could get over that.

BUT I think it would help me to know that there is STILL another woman and that he is basically playing both of us, keeping his balls in the air, so to speak.

I don’t have the money, but was considering trying to save a little to ask a private detective to spy on him for a couple of days. He calls me only in the day time, usually weekdays. That makes me feel his other woman has a weekday job. If I knew she was still in the picture I know I’d be so fucking pissed that he’s still playing with my head.

I suppose I don’t have to waste the money. I can accept that she is still in his life. But I seem to be incapable of keeping that thought. It’s so unimaginable to me that my head can’t process it.

All of this struggle reminds me that the busier I am, the easier it is to handle this shit. I need to keep busy. Today I will swim and then investigate jobs to apply for. Later I’ll make veggie burgers and fresh corn for my parents. I’ll pray he does not call me, because I need a couple of days to get my resolve back.

I feel as though I’ve been kicked, but because it was I who let his call and comments affect me, I’ve effectively kicked myself. I need to put up a wall that he cannot climb.

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2 responses to “I Feel Like I’ve Been Kicked

  1. That’s a tough choice. In some ways it would be good to know what he’s doing with his life (no job, mooching off others). But in some ways, it doesn’t really matter. He used you then rejected you. All the other stuff doesn’t matter. And might as well keep your money. I remember feeling like hiring a PI to spy on my ex and I decided not to invest any more of myself in someone who doesn’t return the respect and attention.

  2. Everything you said is true, Cynthia. Plus it doesn’t matter if he’s with someone now or not. He did what he did and I deserve better. I think using a PI would be a waste of dinero as well.

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