Two days after my husband’s call saying we could be business partners I am now much more angry than anything else. If I am not good enough to be his wife, why would I want to be his business partner? It’d be one thing if the business was already set up before we separated, but it isn’t. It’ll be harder without him, but under no circumstances should I consider it.
Nevertheless it will still be difficult to stop thinking about it because some sick part of me wants to still have contact with him. Perhaps that’s what he needs too. I don’t think he knows what he needs. I feel sorry for him, and that also makes me mad at myself!
Without a doubt I believe my husband thinks he can still manipulate me. I believe he feels that when the time comes, he can get me into bed, or whatever he chooses. He is honestly shocked that I haven’t gone off and fucked someone else — he really did not know me! I imagine him feeling sorry for me that I haven’t hooked up with anyone, but the last thing I want is a meaningless relationship. He’ll never admit that he doesn’t know me, because throughout our relationship he went on and on about how he knew me better than myself. Typical abuser behavior.
But we cheated on folks can’t wait around for our cheaters to admit or understand anything. We must simply move forward with our lives.
In the last couple of days I have been reminded on the Chump Lady website that I was also an abused wife. I think it’s time I re-visit that aspect of our relationship so that I can get the reinforcement I need to push him away.
If we did not have this case pending… I’ll be so glad to have the money safely in MY bank account so that I can ignore his phone calls or even tell him to fuck off if I feel like it. I’m trying to tread this carefully.
I’m feeling tired lately and it’s annoying. I’m not eating well, so that’s probably it, and of course I never get quite enough sleep. I took a moment to soak my feet in the foot massager yesterday and then put lotion on because they were looking a bit rough. That mere 15 minutes of self care felt so good. I need to do more of that.
I’ve stopped working on my children’s website because it saps my energy completely. I’ve neglected my father’s birthday video and I really need to finish it. I’ve been eating too much. I need to refocus my energy/efforts on what is important, and self care is something I easily toss aside.
I will swim this morning and then go to the kids center at 1 p.m. When I get out of there at 5 p.m. I’ll be struck with melancholy because it’ll be Friday evening and I’ve got no place to go. It makes me feel so lonely and alone.
The plantar fasciitis in my right foot is quite painful these days to the point where I’m limping and I realized it’s because I’m wearing flip flops too much. I need arch support! Duh. Why do we do dumb things we know will effect us later?
It feels better just to have a rough plan and focus. I’ll leave this setback behind me and go back to feeling cautiously optimistic about life.