I don’t want to go on

My weight loss has stalled. 

I don’t feel good physically.

I still love my husband but know my future will not have him in it.

I don’t want to write too much about my inability to lose any more weight. I’m simply trying to stay calm and not panic over it. Yesterday I let myself imagine what it would feel like to meet someone new and begin a “courtship” and it wouldn’t come into focus for me because I feel that being 2o0 pounds limits the type of man who will be interested in me.

I’ve said before that I don’t want a man who finds a 200 pound woman attractive and I mean that. I see trim older men and know that they won’t give me another look. I don’t expect this imaginary future man to be an Adonis, god forbid, but he must enjoy being active and trying new things. I wouldn’t mind a bit if he was a bigger, but active man.

Who am I kidding? There will be no man in my future.

I don’t want to belong to the almost 60 crowd of desperate women who so fucking outnumber the men who are going after women in their 30s and 40s. I’m stepping off this train. I want a man but I am going to give up the idea of him.

You know why I’m feeling so fucking down on myself today? Because my husband called yesterday, twice, and I answered, fool that I am.

He’s bored. He was walking to the store. He talked about this town and how much he hates it; he’s thinking of moving to Miami when the case is over. He tried to get flirty and personal but I didn’t give him much. Oh, and when he texted me, “Call” I texted back saying, “You’re not the boss of me.” And so when we did talk he said, “You’re in a good mood. Who is he?

And I thought, jesus. I have to be getting laid or dated in order to be in a good mood? But I said nothing.

He’d love me to be involved with someone new. It would turn him on to picture me with another man, and it would alleviate his guilt and make us “even.” He’d say, “Well, you’re better off now, right? See? I did you a favor.”

I know better than to take his calls when there’s no purpose to them. He’s calling me because he’s alone and bored, and perhaps horny. He pries into my personal life which is none of his business.

He’s calling me out of boredom. He thinks I’m a “friend.” He doesn’t care about me.

He had his earbuds in when he was chatting with me, and when he got to the small, local health food store (the only food store w/in walking distance) I heard the long conversation he had with the clerk explaining why they didn’t carry fresh squeezed orange juice.

I don’t miss those days.

Every single place we’d go to he’d find a reason to complain and then he’d complain. Mostly to lower level people who don’t have the ability to make changes and who couldn’t give a shit. And what a fucking waste of his time, their time, and my time. I can’t tell you the number of times I just walked away because I was so fucking sick of him complaining in stores and restaurants. You could set your watch to it.

So he’s considering moving to Miami. I said, “That’s good. I think you’ll like Miami. You should go.”

The truth is I don’t know shit about Miami but I don’t think he’d like Miami or any other place. I think he’s unhappy everywhere and that’s why he has accomplished nothing in his life. Everywhere you go, there you are. I tried to tell him that on multiple occasions, but he doesn’t get it.

He’ll get his half of the settlement money, move to Miami or wherever and within a few months the money will be gone. I suppose by then he’ll either have a new sugar momma or he’ll have his dad buy his airline ticket back to London. He’d better hope he gets one or the other.

It had been several days since I spoke to him or texted him. I was really making a concerted effort. I WANT TO SPEAK TO AND TEXT HIM but I didn’t. So why did I stupidly talk on the phone with him when there obviously was no agenda?

When we hung up the first time he said he’d call me later that day. I said, ‘That’s okay.” And I figured he’d forget as he usually does, plus I hoped he would forget.

He called hours later and said sorry, he forgot, and I said, “That’s okay. I’ve got groceries to put away, I just pulled up to the house.” And so we quickly said goodbye.

What is annoying here is that in spite of his many quirks and habits, I loved him and could put up with them pretty well. He’ll never find anyone like me to love him again.

Who am I kidding. I don’t know that. The love of his life may be someone he hasn’t even met yet. I will just be a blip from his past. That fat older neurotic woman who lost everything due to him.

Oh my god I want this case to be over. I want to know how much money I will have my hands on. I want to see my future, just a glimpse of it!

I’m not getting enough sleep thanks to my mom and the dogs she lets get her up several times a night. I’m not at my best. The kids center doesn’t have any shifts for me yet this week. I’m tired of going to charity shops every day. I don’t know why I buy the shit I buy there. I have no place to put it. I may never have my own home again.

I need a good cry.

Am crying now.

Stalled in my weight loss. Unemployable. Unloveable. Old.

Feeling suicidal.

All this because I didn’t have the wherewithal, to text him and say, “What’s up? Is it important?” No, instead I called him like a trained dog because I am desperate to spend time with him in any capacity.

I despise myself for caring about him and still wanting him.

My therapist has been on vacation and I finally see her again this Friday, none too soon.

As far as feeling bad physically, I almost always have a low level headache, ear ache, and stuffed up head. My body aches in various places, primarily in my back, hips, knees, feet. I don’t want to feel achy. I don’t want to be old. I’d rather be dead than old. I’ve ruined this body and now it’s just doing the best it can with what it’s got.

I’m so sorry about this post. I can’t even re-read it to check for typos and misspellings. I should not post it, but I will.

I’m going to swim and then find a quiet spot with my book, The Four Agreements, and see if I can just find a few moments of peace.

I will prepare myself to not jump every time he calls me even though, after all these months I can’t believe he doesn’t love me or want me.

I don’t want to go on. This is just too hard.

I’m sorry.

 

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4 responses to “I don’t want to go on

  1. I’ve been reading your blog for a while and never commented. I hope you don’t get offended that I commented today. You seem like such a deep thinking woman. You have varied interests. I only saw the one picture of you and you are beautiful. You seem to only value yourself as part of the man who does not deserve a good woman. There are so many men out there who could be your soul mate or a good friend but you will never find him because you won’t let go of your estranged husband. (Who, again, does not deserve you). FIrst, 200 lbs does not make you hideous to other men as you think. You are working on your health and it takes time. Your self esteem is so low. Ditch that man. Tell him to fuck off, change your number, forget his settlement which I will imagine he will skip country with. Be with your parents, daughter…find a good friend. Go to tea rooms, coffee houses, beaches, parks and be yourself. Again, I don’t know you and you don’t know me but I read your blog daily. I don’t mean to be forward with my post to you. I just hate seeing good and deep thinking women waste away. Please take care. 🙂

    • Charlotte, I’m not at all offended that you commented, I’m glad you did. I can only imagine how tedious this blog is for anyone on the outside who probably just wants to shake me and tell me to buck up. Get on with it already. I can’t help but feel life is so short and I’ve fucked it up so badly, and everything bad that happens to me is because I somehow deserve it. I don’t want to waste my time with that kind of thinking. I just want to move forward doing the best I can. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. You have no idea what they mean to me.

  2. I hope you are feeling better after your swim and can find some things to do that help you feel better. I hope you can stop talking to your husband too since most of the time you feel worse after talking to him. No matter what you feel for him, he’s not good for you. You are worth so much more.

  3. Cynthia, I have seen quite clearly how his calls upset me for days afterwards and yet I don’t stick with my plan of no contact. I do feel a bit better after my swim. And I absolutely know that you’re right: no matter what I feel for him, he’s not good for me. Thank you.

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