The Ongoing Process of Learning About Oneself

I went to the pool yesterday with a new anticipation. Normally I go there automatically but a small part of me dreads it. I wonder ‘How hard will it be today?’ And the hour or so in the water is both good and bad but often something to be “gotten through.”

But yesterday I decided to try swimming in the much more relaxed manner that I tried the day before (when I had my meltdown). The difference is astounding, actually, and I doubt I am burning many less calories plus it is much more enjoyable.

I think I got so concerned with making my body long and having good form and it just made me fight the water instead of becoming one with it. Plus, and this is a big point, I’m spending far less time at the edge of the pool in recovery — I’m able to keep going. So I’m in motion more, but going at a slightly slower pace. I can live with that.

I’m looking forward to doing it again today.

Yesterday I stopped at a favorite used book store and bought a copy of French Women Don’t Get Fat by Mireille Guiliano. I can’t say anything about it yet as I haven’t begun it, but I thought it sounded interesting. My own philosophy (or goal?) is to eat really high quality foods (none that are marked “lite” or “low fat”) but to watch portion sizes.

Except when I’m eating candy and shit. Very contradictory.

I ate fairly well yesterday, the first time in a while. I’m praying that I can get back into some sort of groove diet-wise and slowly return to weight loss.

I also purchased Right Ho, Jeeves by PG Wodehouse and the play Cat on a Hot Tin Roof by Tennessee Williams, my favorite playwright.

I’m trying to find new things to focus on that don’t require sitting in front of this damned computer.

But after I made my book purchase I really wanted to go sit in a coffee shop, order a cappuccino, and read a few pages of one of my new books. The only place I felt would be fun to do that is downtown, but I still don’t venture there much in case I run into my  husband. So I headed towards home instead.

It’ll be interesting in the coming months, when he leaves, to reclaim my town. It’ll hurt a bit at first, like going to the charity shops hurt at first, but in time my town will be mine again. My marriage to him just a weird dream.

I’m still recovering from the conversation we had the other day. It’s ironic that it was a light, friendly, sometimes flirtatious conversation, nothing sinister, yet it affected me so badly. He’s still on my mind more than he should be, more than he would be if we had not spoken.

I guess a day will come, sometime in the distant future, when I don’t yearn for him, and the man I thought I knew. Also feeling sorry for him is a big factor; I hate that I feel he will flounder and fail even more without me. In the meantime, as Chump Lady says, I’ll continue to “trust that he sucks.” Because the writing’s on the wall, so-to-speak.

I spent too much money this month at charity shops, primarily, which is incredibly stupid since I don’t have a home or a shop to put the stuff in. I am now dead broke through the end of the month to the point where I’ll have to go hock my wedding band just to put gas in my car. I’m sad to do it, but I’ve left myself no choice. Sometimes I get so nervous about finances that I refuse to check my balance until it’s too late. This is one of those times.

I feel like an idiot.

And I can’t believe the fucking attachment I feel to that wedding ring. I bought it online in the UK. It’s a very narrow band, but inside you can see the UK gold mark, and it’s 18k. My husband lost his. Yes, I paid for his, too. I paid for everything.

It’s so small that I doubt I’ll get more than $50 for it. Fuck it. Let it go.

My shift at the kids center was canceled yesterday. This is the first week that I really didn’t go in except on Monday when I dashed in just to finish Friday’s paperwork. I suppose I should be glad that it must mean fewer children are being sexually abused or witnessing domestic violence. So you can’t complain that there’s no work!

I am very glad that I will see my therapist tomorrow. It’s been a long couple of weeks. I want to write some notes today so that I can address my most pressing concerns. It’s so easy, when I get in there, to lose focus and be all over the place. My weak self-esteem is a huge issue. My anger is another. There are too many issues and not enough time!

I saw another job to apply for so I’ll come home and do that later. I don’t hold out much hope that someone will see my potential, but I will keep looking.

After I swam yesterday I came home and put make up on and dressed nicely because I thought I’d be going to the kids center, but as I was on my way they called to say the appointment was canceled. So I did some errands, bought my books, etc., but I noticed what a difference it makes when you feel you look nice. I handle myself very differently when I feel put together — I definitely have more confidence.

That’s a good clue to go ahead and do more of that. It allows me to hold my head high and have the dignity that I desire. Hard to do this on an extremely small budget, but still doable.




2 responses to “The Ongoing Process of Learning About Oneself

  1. I suggest you try going to the coffee shop anyways. Why stop yourself from doing the things you really want to? You can sit near an exit (for a quick getaway if you need) and with your back to any windows, so you don’t see people outside you might not want to see. Go for it!
    I had to do the same thing with my running, dial it back a notch. I was pushing myself too hard and then it was no longer as enjoyable and too much time spent on catching my breath. Hope the therapy went well!

  2. I’m really glad to hear that about dialing back the running/swimming, I was wondering if it applied to other activities. Good to know. You’re right I should push myself to go to coffee shops alone. I’ve pushed myself to do a lot of things lately and have lived through them! I’ll make that a goal this weekend. My therapy today was great, thanks for asking. I’m going to run to your blog to see if you wrote about your second 5k run. Take care!

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