I haven’t weighed for a couple of weeks so when I woke up today, my normal “weighday”, I forced myself to step on the scale before I could talk myself out of it. I was fully prepared for it to say 202 or 203, perhaps worse. When it read 199.6 I was hugely relieved.
Never thought I’d be so happy to weigh 199.6, but I feared I had really ventured into the now we’re gaining mode and I just couldn’t do that. So technically I’m still in the now we’re maintaining mode, which is okay for the time being.
I ate well for the last two days, hardly any evening snacking and no candy during the day (a pattern I was quickly falling into). I’m back to my treats being a couple of cups of coffee with two teaspoons of sugar in them, plus the odd whole wheat fig newton.
I am not going to weigh every day any longer. The fluctuation every single day is off-putting and bewildering to me. But I do think once a week may not be enough. For now I’ll throw in a Wednesday weigh-in just to make certain I am on track. That’ll still give me a few days to try harder before the Sunday weigh day.
How often do you weigh?
It’s sort of amazing how being more or less back on track feels so good. Realizing I’m a bit hungry, but not automatically getting up to simply shove stuff into my mouth. Being comfortable with being a little hungry. Not feeling deprived of the candy. I can’t believe I let myself start eating candy like that. It’s appalling! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m out of the woods yet. I’ve just had a few good days.
When my eating is under control I feel in control of my life, which gives me confidence.
Physically I don’t feel so well, the nonstop dripping nose which I don’t think is allergy related, but perhaps a low grade infection from swimming. My ear hurts, my sinuses are messed up. I’m glad the pool is closed today to give my body a chance to recover from whatever is going on there.
The tension in the house yesterday was awful. It took me way, way back to my childhood being afraid there’d be a blow up. So after I swam I just stayed out for several hours, not too much fun since I’m incredibly broke.
I did go to the Saturday Market, but after I walked quickly through it I just kept walking to my car. I was simply too nervous about running into my husband. When I imagine running into him and then allowing my eyes to scan the scene to see if he’s with another woman, my heart races and I actually feel I might faint.
I don’t want to see her or know who she is. When he finally leaves this town I don’t want to know who else I need to avoid. Leave me in my oblivion!
I’m still very traumatized when I recall that night I met him downtown for what I thought was a mini date night only a few weeks before d-day. But when I sat with him and his friends the tension was palpable. They wouldn’t engage me in conversation even though I was trying to engage them. They looked confused and frightened, to be honest! After one drink and everyone practically ignoring me, I said I’d be heading home now and my husband quickly walked me to my car. He could not wait to be rid of me. Now of course I realize his friends were very aware that there was another woman and didn’t know what to say to me. He could not wait to be rid of me because she was due there any moment.
When I re-read that last paragraph I want to add that I feel such shame. And that is so wrong. I shouldn’t feel shameful! He should!
Just imagine if I hadn’t said I would be leaving. I probably would have met her that night. Shudder.
I’m going to take it easy today and have a day of rest. I plan to make up another batch of leak soup and perhaps give myself a manicure and pedicure. I’ll also check the jobs listings to see if there’s anything else to apply for. I hate that I’m so picky, but if I were to accept a soul sucking position, I’d never last.
I will admit that I really, really hope I’ll get a call this week to interview for the last job I applied for. It’d be perfect for me. Sigh.
I am also learning how to sit down with a book and just be in the moment. I spend so much time reading online that I have forgotten the joy of turning actual pages and just chilling out. When you’re online, if something begins to bore you you simply click and click and click away. I want to learn how to just sit some place shady, read my book, and be comfortable in my own skin.
Lately I’ve begun to think I do not want a man in my life. The idea of getting to know someone from “scratch” is too exhausting for me. Discovering their idiosyncrasies and flaws and deciding if I can live with them seems overwhelming. Learning about their baggage and sharing my baggage feels very unpleasant. Worrying about giving up parts of myself is no longer acceptable.
The sense of accomplishment I will feel when I get back on my own two feet, financially and emotionally is what I need right now. Perhaps in time I will meet someone, but I won’t do anything to force it unnaturally on myself. I would, however, like a few friends to be able to have a social life so I won’t stop trying to make that happen. If I do not get a job by then, I plan to take an evening or weekend class in the Fall where people my own age might be, so I will have to save for that.
Of course I wonder if I’ll ever be intimate with someone, but I have to be satisfied to just wait and see.
For the very first time in my life I am getting to know myself and it feels really good.
Starting weight: 267 (mid October 2013)
Today’s weight: 199.6
Total weight loss to date: 68 pounds
Goal weight: about 150 (about 30-50 pounds to go)