By now you know that I don’t feel the same way two days in a row, much less two minutes in a row. Strong one moment, pathetic the next. Sure of my future and then second guessing myself constantly. That’s the story of my life, not just recently.

I’ve been sick and have stayed out of the pool for seven days now. I fear I won’t get back into the water. I had been eating “well” for a few days but when I got sick I began to eat all my parent’s junk food. I’m getting better, but my ear still hurts and my sinuses are painful and clogged up. I need to dry out my fucking head. I’ve swum (is that a word?) far too often when I felt like crap. I need to dry out now to get better.

So I guess I should go and walk to keep up any level of fitness. We’ll see.

I went to see Guardians of the Galaxy yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed it. This weekend I also began to work on my children’s website again. I hadn’t worked on it for the better part of a month while I finished my dad’s video. I was burnt out on it. So much work for so little reward. But when I began to work on it this weekend, I realized how much I had missed it. Perhaps I just needed a break?

It so happens that a really famous author follows me on Twitter. Now don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t really follow me (or my website), but he does usually notice if I mention him or re-tweet one of his tweets. This weekend I tweeted about his newest book  for kids and he re-tweeted it. For over 24 hours after that I had hundreds of people retweeting me and following me and favoriting my tweet. The power these famous people have in their fingertips — it’s amazing. It was great exposure for me and brought me about 15 new Twitter followers.

But even after all my hard work with this website, I only have 595 followers.

Still it’s quite a coup that he follows me at all. He has two million followers and only follows 880 people back, and my account is one of those 880. Wow. It’s a fascinating world to me. If you’re not familiar with Twitter, sorry for boring you. At any rate, I’d like to be a part of this world, but seems I will forever be on the outside.

I’ll work on the website while I look for a job since I have it on my resume, I don’t want it to look inactive. It keeps me busy, so that’s good.

It’s odd, I felt better about my future and the end of my marriage a month or two ago than I do now. I am beginning to feel that many of the posts at ChumpLady make me feel worse about my situation. Most people who have been cheated on are given the opportunity to reconcile but I  never got that. He just tossed me aside like yesterday’s trash. The blow to my ego I fear will be permanent.

Here I am, a woman of experience, shall we say. A woman with a lot of ex-lovers, and four husbands in total, and yet because of being cheated on by a slimy asshole, I now feel utterly broken and can not imagine sticking my neck out again to get burned. He ruined me.

And I’m so fucking tired of my life being in limbo waiting to see if there will be any settlement money, and if so, what will I do with it to get back on my feet.

In the meantime life is kind of hellish of late — my mom and dad are fighting really badly. That’s one reason I left to go to the movies yesterday. I couldn’t imagine hanging around all that tension. Why do they do that to one another? Jesus, can’t they just relax a little in their old age? My mom’s the worst, but dad’s got his issues too. They are like teenagers. I find it disgusting. Grow the fuck up.

All I want is my own business, or a job I can be proud of and work hard at. All I want is to work hard and to eventually get my own home again. All I want is to have a tiny bit of security so that I can help my daughter who lives paycheck to paycheck. Why is that too much? I am able bodied, smart, and willing, so why am I just being wasted this way? Because certain people feel that at 57 I am way past my prime, that’s why. And how wrong they are. I would be a better worker than I’ve ever been before. I’m more focussed and more sure of my abilities. I have more freedom. What imbeciles.

I don’t want a man. I don’t want to rely on a man. I am utterly fearful of men now and the damage they can inflict. I never thought in a million years that I would feel this way. I can’t believe I will probably never make love again. He took all that from me when he cheated and kicked me out. Yes, I am attempting to have some dignity and not sink to his level, but the fact of the matter is that I am broken and feel I always will be.

A woman at the kids center who just opened her own law office gave me the business card of a family law attorney. I just called to book my free consultation but he’s out of town. I need to find out if I should be starting the divorce now, rather than after I get the settlement. I need to find out if this settlement money from him will be considered part of my divorce settlement and how that will affect me tax-wise. I don’t know how I’ll retain him, but I still have that one ring left. God. This is so pathetic.

I want off this ride.







2 responses to “Reality

  1. That’s great you contacted the attorney. I think you need an advocate. Maybe it would help you to remember that your relationship with your husband basically sucked. He didn’t treat you well and it’s actually a great thing that it’s over. He’s giving you the opportunity to take your life back and to have self-respect and to spend time on things you care about, like yourself, your family, your interests. I totally agree that this country doesn’t value older workers, the reason I’m not working any more. It sucks.

    • I try to remind myself often that being married to my husband really sucked. I feel like I must have brain damage that I can’t get it through my head! Yeah, the job thing is ridiculous. If I am every in a position to hire anyone, it will be an older woman!

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