What I Didn’t Realize

I came across something I wrote in July of 2011 which I thought I’d share here. Part of me wants to edit it and make it better, but I decided to leave it as it is. I think it sort of speaks for itself.

What I Didn’t Realize

I didn’t realize I would age. I didn’t realize I’d get fat. I didn’t realize I would not always be beautiful. I didn’t realize I needed to be able to pay my way. I didn’t realize the importance of independence. I didn’t realize I needed to be educated. I didn’t realize religion is a lie.

I didn’t realize parents don’t always put their children first. I didn’t realize that my own child would grow up to only be partly like me. I didn’t realize I needed to know how to make and keep friends. I didn’t realize how much you need money to be happy.

I didn’t realize someone you love can be cruel to you. I didn’t realize that some strangers can hate you for no reason. I didn’t realize that I would not always be close to my siblings. I didn’t realize how alone we all are.

I didn’t realize that people can’t read my thoughts. I didn’t realize I’d need to tell people how I feel. I didn’t realize that people can tell me my feelings are wrong.

I didn’t realize I’d get age spots on my hands. I didn’t realize my hair would thin. I didn’t realize my eating habits would cause me to become ill. I didn’t realize I’d get to a stage in my life where I cannot afford a doctor. I didn’t realize that having dental care was for the elite.

I didn’t realize my temper was so bad. I didn’t realize that no one sees my fragility. I didn’t realize I need to reach out to others. I didn’t realize how not to be overwhelmed by other people’s problems. I didn’t realize how to be a true friend.

I didn’t realize how to put my own child first or how to give her confidence. I didn’t realize I needed to give her tools to handle life better than I handled mine. I didn’t realize I needed to be a good example for her.

I didn’t realize how men would use me. I didn’t realize I could have said no. I didn’t realize that when I did say no I had a right to be angry because they did not listen. I didn’t realize that I was in abusive relationships. I didn’t realize that I was at times brainwashed.

I didn’t realize that doctors can use you too. I didn’t realize they don’t care about making you well, just selling you drugs or selling hospital beds. I didn’t realize that when you ran out of money or insurance you would not matter to doctors.

I didn’t realize how hard life could be. I didn’t realize how short life is. I didn’t realize that I’d run out of second chances. I didn’t realize I needed to take care of my body. I didn’t realize that I was lucky given the immense amount of suffering in the world.

I didn’t realize the effort it would take to maintain that luck. I didn’t realize that I would become an inconsequential person. I didn’t realize that I would feel invisible. I didn’t realize that I’d never leave my mark on this world.

I didn’t realize that women are often property. I didn’t realize that women are not equal in the world. I didn’t realize how much women suffer. I didn’t realize that my tears wouldn’t move anyone. I didn’t realize the importance of creativity and charity.

I just never realized that I was like everyone else. I didn’t realize that the secret is love. I didn’t realize that in spite of all the bad, how hopeful we can be. And so I throw these realizations out into the universe or like a message in a bottle. Will anyone find it?

Three years and many experiences later I’d like to add:

I didn’t realize my parents would become weak and need to rely on me. I didn’t realize we could love someone who is wrong for us.  I didn’t realize the pain of infidelity. I didn’t realize a family needs a leader. I didn’t realize I had the strength to change and to lead.

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3 responses to “What I Didn’t Realize

  1. Beautiful. Did you realize anything else since you first wrote it? Does this represent how you still see the world?

  2. Oh, wow, notesfromthebathroomfloor, what a great question. Yes, I agree with it still but would add a few things. I think I’ll work on that right now. Thanks!

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