Memories Can Be Distorted and Aren’t Really Accurate

Yesterday I was hoping to see my husband but it didn’t work out. I have two computer issues, well one computer issue and one website issue that I didn’t know how to fix. He’s never anxious to see me so it didn’t work out, which is fine. But he called me while I was driving and so I pulled over to talk with him.

Because my home life is fairly sucky at the moment and because I have NO ONE to talk to (except you, whom I talk at) I am feeling so alone. So pulling over in an industrial area and talking to him for almost thirty minutes was actually quite nice.

We both know so much about one another’s families and his family is particularly weird, yet he is still loyal to them (when he’s not furious with them). And I have to agree that they have not been fair to him. They have always favored his sister and they played them off one another so she more or less hates her brother, and he can be mean to her, but the truth is he always wanted a sister and he wishes she were the sister he asked for!

I’ve learned a little bit about “Triangulation” from the Chump Lady site and my god there’s a lot of it in his family. No wonder he comes at it so naturally. They ALL play one against the other. Every single one of them. It’s twisted.

We talked a lot about business ideas, which is my favorite thing to talk to him about. He’s a great brainstormer. We did not talk about being business partners. I think we both finally know that is not something we could ever pull off. But I do have worries that he really has no idea what to do with his settlement money. He’s already got to fork over $15,000 just for the rent he hasn’t paid and the money he’s borrowed from a friend. That’s a good chunk of change.

He’s re-thinking moving to Portland and has no idea where he’ll go. I know, for my sake, he needs to leave my town, and he complains about this place incessantly. But it will be really weird, and frankly, sad, when it sinks in to me that he is gone. It’s just one more stage in this process that I will have to get through, and I will get through it. And I will miss him.

A day will come when he has the money in his hand, and he calls me to come with a U-Haul to remove the last of my possessions from the apartment and get them to storage. I hope they don’t wreak of cigarette smoke.

I still wish this had never happened and that we could be embarking on a business together. At the same time I’d be terrified that he would not listen to me, would invest it unwisely, and be secretive about what he does with it. The worst case scenario is that he’d use it up within a year or so and then we’d be destitute again. I can no longer live like that. I shouldn’t have had to live like that in the first place. The only way to have a relationship with him is to be 100% independent financially, which is hard to do. And then I’d only end up supporting him. I suppose if there was enough money I’d do that for someone I loved. Someone who was kind and loving to me. That’s not him.

He’s been abusive and cruel to me, but I know that’s not his true character. He cheated on me, but, if it matters, he’s not a serial cheater. He’s brilliant, but a loose cannon, and so full of himself that he will listen to NO ONE. That’s a lot of “buts.”

I was going to say he feels really badly, about how our marriage is ending up — and he feels shame that he went through all my money. But I’m not 100% sure that’s true. He has said he’s remorseful, and I remember on the day he told me that there was another woman he said, “sorry.” But is he genuinely sorry? I don’t think I’ll ever know. But there is a sensitive person inside him, a poet, a musician, and a little boy from a foreign land who looks funny and doesn’t fit in. My heart breaks for that little boy.

And my heart will break when he gets on the plane and leaves. I know he’ll keep in touch but it won’t be the same. It’ll seem like a strange dream.

I didn’t mean to get myself so emotionally worked up here, which I am now. I meant to write about how healthy I feel as far as my relationship with him. I was going to say I am closer to full time “meh” but now I realize I’m not so much.

That’s okay. I already know the road to Meh is long and windy and I’ve seen enough of it lately that I feel optimistic that it’ll be my full time reality some day soon.

Sitting around thinking about his good qualities and knowing I’ll miss him and always wonder how he’s doing is not healthy for me right now. I’ll go ahead and remind myself of how he deserted me at our darkest hour and found safety in the arms of another woman and how he blamed me for it. That certainly balances it out.

My situation is slightly different from many chumps I read about in that he went out of his way not to parade her in front of me or tell me anything about her, and I never asked. In the scheme of things, this was sort of respectable, I think. It doesn’t excuse his behavior by any means, but it could have been a whole lot more painful for me.

I was just about feeling that I don’t need to start a local Chump Lady group, and now I see that I surely do. And one of the things I’m hoping will come out of it is that I make a friend or two. Crossing fingers.

I don’t know what I’m going to do about the weight I’m gaining, and now the pool is closed for two weeks. The other pool across town that I wanted to use is also closed but only until the 7th. The outdoor pool, I was told by a masters swimmer, is kinda cold, and that turned me off from it. I think I’ll eat some breakfast and go force myself to take a long walk.

Thanks, as always, for being here for me.

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5 responses to “Memories Can Be Distorted and Aren’t Really Accurate

  1. You’re right that the road to meh is long and windy. You’ll get there in time. Also- I went to 2 CL meet ups in Mass this year. Highly recommend. 🙂

  2. “He’s been abusive and cruel to me, but I know that’s not his true character.”
    Well, don’t begin to doubt yourself. Trust that he sucks!

  3. Ellen, yeah. One of the things that’s hard about this is he doesn’t want to be that way. BUT HE IS THAT WAY. And frankly, now that we’re apart, he is treating me as well as can be expected. He is an abusive asshole, and we are entirely incompatible, and (this is the clincher): I don’t want to be with anyone who could treat anyone the way he treated me. That’s the bottom line. It would almost be easier of me if he were still being that asshole now.

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