Yesterday was a surreal day. Panic set in about me going forward with a new life alone. I spent some time on Craigslist looking at rentals in town just to give myself an idea of what’s out there. I looked through photos and it just seems weird to think of me there by myself. I have never lived alone in my entire life, and what do I need with a yard? That’s why I’m so proud of my daughter for being independent.
I feel as though I might be afraid in a house, but feel safer in a downtown apartment. But I can’t really run my business from a downtown apartment, no garage. And warehouses are generally huge, too huge for my needs. I think I can get away with being in a business park type atmosphere, since it’ll be a clean business and the rent there will be reasonable.
But what I’ve decided for now is to go very, very slowly and work from my parent’s house as long as possible. I can even buy a shed if I want to store some stuff in their yard. Actually I will be renting a larger storage unit once my husband’s done with my furniture, so I can use part of that to store products. The longer I can learn the ins and outs of my business, before I also have to start thinking about cable and electricity and buying the bed and couch I will need, the better.
I need the security that being here gives me. I am quite cowardly, I’m sad to admit. I will have to fight it every step of the way. This is so weird, because I want so badly to be surrounded by my own things in my own home again. I don’t understand why I’m so frightened. To be honest, I think once I can adjust to living alone, I will probably like it. I’m going to buy a white couch and a white rug!
Thankfully I have an appointment today with my counselor and then I will go into the kids center for the afternoon. I also sold two more things on eBay so I have to package those up and mail them. The alternative swimming pool across town will re-open on Monday and I will get over there. I am gaining weight and must keep moving.
If the settlement is big enough, I will pay off my daughter’s car loan. It’s really hurting her each month and will make a difference in her life. I will give my dad money to have the gardener come more often and I will arrange for a cleaning service to come to the house once a week so my mom can relax about that.
That’s just the minimum. I will then hold off on any major decisions. Yesterday my husband asked me why I don’t just buy a new car rather than fix the one I have. I said, “Investing $500 in this car will probably give me two more years with it. It’s worth it to me not to waste money on a car right now.” He doesn’t know how to manage money. I don’t know what will happen to him.
I imagine the two of us going to see his attorney to pick up our checks and me arranging when I can come to his apartment to pick up the rest of my furniture and belongings. Then we’ll look at one another and know that we’ll never see each other again, ever. And I’ll cry and hug him. And I’ll go through another setback. But I’ll recover from that and I will move on.
I still love him. I don’t want to be alone. But we are done.
I can see that from here on out, learning how to deal with my lifelong fear (of so many things) will be mandatory. I think I can do it. I think I can become the person I want to be and was meant to be.