Gratitude, Sympathy, Baby Steps

I feel so grateful. Yes, I’m quite nervous about impending things, in particular wondering how much my share of the settlement will be, and if I have the courage to start my own business.

I spoke quite a bit to my counselor yesterday about my lifetime fears that kept me from doing something unique or different when I was a person who longed to  do unique and different things. A bad combination, to have such an intense desire for it, but be too fearful to take the step that might take you there. It’s tragic, really.

I have to remember that I may make many missteps at the beginning, no doubt I will make some mistakes. But if I’m slow and careful my losses will be minimal as I work this out. There is no need to rush into anything, it’s perfectly okay for me to take baby steps.

When I was 19, with a one year old, I saw an ad for a band looking for a singer. I got the courage to make the call and go to the house, but I was too shy to open my mouth and sing. I may not ever have become famous, but it would have been nice to know I had actually tried, instead of just dreaming about it. Of course there was my dad in the background saying, “You can’t have that lifestyle, you have a baby.”

I mentioned to my counselor that I’d like to talk about PTSD the next time I see her because I feel that is a better fit for me than Borderline Personality Disorder, which has such an incredibly awful reputation, and has simply become the term for a selfish, out of control woman (to put it nicely). She said she doesn’t really use BPD. She feels it’s usually PTSD or PTSD with Bi-Polar. I’ve never been told I am Bi-Polar, but I know that my very early childhood was horrific and I believe the trauma I experienced then has made me the very fearful person I am today.

I don’t need to dwell on it, and I’ve more or less forgiven my mother for her actions. She was young, desperate, and afraid. Her husband had cheated and she took it out on me. But I do want to know what a person does to get beyond PTSD and I’m looking forward to going into that with my therapist.

Yesterday my therapist told me it was her honor and privilege to work with me and I was so moved. I am incredibly glad she came into my life. I never had luck with female therapists before (probably because I enjoyed the male dynamic and wasn’t truly honest), but knew I needed to go that route this time. She is about my age and I feel quite lucky to have her in my life.

The men and women on the Chump Lady website are also an incredible source of support and inspiration to me. Perhaps that’ll be true of my local CL MeetUp group someday as well.

If I think about my husband’s situation too much, I really worry about what will become of him. His family can go through his money very, very quickly. He could be back to where he is now in no time if he isn’t wise. He says he does not want to live in London again, but I told him he should consider it. His girls won’t leave there now. I don’t know where he’ll go, but my heart breaks for him. He is always running from himself.

Does he deserve my heart to break for him? Probably not. But I know part of the real him deep inside, a part that he keeps hidden. He is always so busy putting on a show, the genuine person inside him is not easy to spot. He was not a serial cheater. But he lied and lied by omission and at times was extremely abusive to me. Our values were not the same — a very important factor for me now as I go forward in the world. I will be ultra alert for red flags in that area. In spite of all that, he was usually affectionate, and he showed me a world that I am glad to have experienced.

When we lived in London we were extremely poor. But we’d put a few pounds of petrol in the car and drive into Central London and park and walk for hours. Often we were there too late to go into stores, but that was okay, since we had no money to spend in them. But I fell in love with London and with England, and while I have no desire to live there again, I really want to go back on my own terms, with a little money, and explore more.

For many months I’ve been saying the perfect job for me would allow me to travel to Europe at least once a year, possibly to do some buying for the business. That is what I will try to accomplish with my website business. There will be no trip to Europe anytime soon, but that’s okay, I’m happy to be here where I am, creating this trading company. I just still can’t believe I’m planning it alone.

When I give people details about it their eyes get big. But I’m not sure if it’s just because when I describe it I’m incredibly animated.

If I’m really careful I think I can get it firmly off the ground for between $20,000 and $25,000, at least that is the plan. I don’t expect it to make a profit at first, but I will be diligent about marketing until I find the right fit. Some of the stuff I’ll be selling is stuff even I can’t afford, or wouldn’t waste money on, but I’ve read that businesses which cater to the wealthy make more money than those who do not. I will have a range of prices, naturally, but overall my buying will be on practical household items that are very high quality, generally made in the USA and the UK.

I’m going to meet a young graphic designer today whose work I admired on line. I told her I didn’t have money yet, but if she had time, I’d like to share my ideas with her. She is game so today will be my first day acting as owner of a business that almost exists.

I must keep telling myself I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. And I’m incredibly lucky that I have the luxury of taking it slowly. Thank you, mom and dad.



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