Still Holding Our Collective Breath

My clothes are getting tight and I hate that so much. I’m so ashamed that I feel out of control of my eating. I only swam twice last week so I hope to do more this week but exercise is only part of the equation. Eating less is the key.

Yesterday I got into a panic about starting my own business and thought that I should really seek employment and use my settlement money for investing or for buying a home. I spent three hours scouring ads and even started filling out online applications when I finally just stopped. The process of job hunting is so much weirder than it was back in the day. And the demands they have for your qualifications are almost absurd. It scared me away.

So I came back to the fact that I need to start my own business because I have no choice. But the truth is I need to start my own business because I’ve always wanted to be an entrepreneur and I need to face my fears about it. I keep reminding myself that it’s okay to start slow and small and not make any sudden moves. It’s hard because I keep looking at rentals and imagining myself living on my own which I am eager to do if the place suits my needs.

Yesterday I saw a duplex for $975 and it’s in a part of town that I used to live. There’s a one car garage that I could run my business out of. And I could write off the garage and office for my business. I could run H&B out of a garage for at least a year. But I don’t have to move out and invest that much right off. It’ll be interesting to see if I stay here or move once the money is in my hands. To be honest, it will be hard to run a business while living in my folk’s home. I’m already very crowded in my room and their garage doesn’t have an inch to spare.

My husband texted me this morning, “I hate this.” And I wrote back, “Me too.” I had a dream last night that an attorney told me my share would be $4,000 and I woke up in a panic. I don’t know how long their attorney is going to take to get back to our attorney about the settlement amount. I still feel that the amount my husband asked for is fair. I also began to get paranoid that my husband would skip out again even while I am fairly certain he won’t.

The second “Leave a Cheater” Meetup is this Wednesday and I’m not feeling it. It’ll be four people again, but only two of us were there two weeks ago. One woman complained to me that she resented having to interrupt the guy last week who talked so much. I don’t blame her. I wrote and asked her to give it another chance and told her I’d address the equal talking time issue. But I don’t hold out much hope that this guy can tone it down.

When I began to have the idea to start this group I really needed it. But now that it’s been several months, I feel I don’t really need it as much. I need camaraderie but perhaps not just focussed on a cheater. I want to get beyond that and move on with my life. Once again this week I’ve promised myself I’ll go to the Meetups that have to do with business start ups and will try to make sure my schedule allows me to go. There is one tomorrow night that I plan to go to.

I’m pretty tickled with myself that I bought something at the Goodwill for $30 and just sold it on eBay for $150. I probably could have got more if I had been more patient. Part of me is considering a “Vintage” section on the H&B website.

I’ve decided that when the website is being developed I will have the ability to say stock is limited or “only 3 left”. I want shoppers to know I buy in small quantities, shipped from far away, and that what they’re seeing this week may not be available next week. I think being a small business I can take advantage of  that better than an established business can. I also know when I visit websites like One Kings Lane which I love, but would never buy from, I only go to the vintage section and almost never look at the new stuff. Their site is filled with eye candy and it gives me great ideas on what to look for when I’m at charity shops, but my god, their prices are very inflated. My recommendation is to find what you like there and then go to eBay to buy it!

Doing research yesterday I found some trade shows that will take place in London and elsewhere in Europe where vendors take orders from resellers. There are two such shows in London in January and it’d be fun to go, but it’s probably too soon for that. But that’s okay. These kind of shows usually take place two or three times a year so I can get on board next time. Arranging my next visit to London based on a trade show is a good idea, I think. Going anywhere in January is certainly not ideal — it’s cold, wet, and the daylight hours are short. But I could enjoy London at any time of year. And after I take my first solo trip to the UK, I will plan future visits to France, where I have never been.

I type all that and then think to myself, “Who are you to think you can pull this off?” So while I’m filled with doubt I am also aware that only my fear can keep me from it.

My husband just called and we chatted for about 20 minutes. He’s just as nervous as I am about the case. I still feel that they will settle, but they must let us know soon, because if there is going to be a trial, it’s scheduled for the beginning of October, not the middle as I thought. We’ll need time to prep.

We talked and laughed like friends and I have such mixed feelings about that. He implied he’s back to not knowing where he’ll move to so I will not be surprised to learn he has decided to stay in town. He said one of his daughters is eager to join him and so he needs to keep in touch with me because she’ll want to see me. I said, “Yes, of course.” All the while wondering how odd this is. I should hate him, but I don’t. Do I want to be with him romantically? No. I want distance between us. How would I react to running into him in a year with a young girlfriend? Not well, not well at all. I will not encourage him to stay here.

I can’t even see myself with anyone, which is sad. I fear that my life as someone’s girlfriend or wife are over. It breaks my heart, but the odds of me finding love are not great. Plus I’m really picky and don’t even see prospects out there. That’s why my new passion must be my business and learning to make and handle money.

Okay, it’s finally time for me to head to the pool.

 

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