I thought I could speak to my husband without feeling too badly these days, but that’s not the case.
I read the Chump Lady posts and they are so filled with sadness and horrible behavior on the part of cheaters. Most of their stories are far worse than my own. I don’t know how any of us could conceive of falling in love again. I know I can’t open myself up to pain like this again. So I’m feeling really, really resentful that he took eight years from me and has probably caused me to spend the rest of my life alone.
Granted, I’m super nervous right now about the case. Much more nervous than my normal self, so that does not help.
I don’t know if this is irony, but for a woman who has been married to one man or another since the age of 18, I just never thought I’d live my later years alone. It simply never occurred to me. Now when I’m out and about I never see anyone remotely interesting, plus I’m horrible about guessing men’s ages. It feels like every man I see is 45 or 70 and the ages in between are just missing.
I thought again about internet dating sites and I simply won’t do it. I even feel that if I meet a man who has been an active internet dater, that I would not want to be with him. It’s my own prejudice. Plus, these guys seem to think there might always be someone a little better in the next date. I could not handle that.
So. All I can do is work hard, which I am unable to do yet. I’ve done a great deal of research but until money is in my hands there’s no sense in doing much more. And now doubts are creeping in that they’ll want to go to court and not settle. If we do go to court we will probably get less than what my husband asked for. I’m trying not to get too worked up. My gut tells me it was a reasonable amount. I need to put it aside. There will probably be a call this week.
I pray there will be a call this week. This is the part where they hope we are squirming. We cannot budge. He told them he will not quibble and he must not start quibbling now. This is hardball.
And I pray that the hurt feelings I am having this week will dissipate because, goddammit, I’ve already been hurt enough. When the money is in hand I’ll get breathing space from him.
Today he told me I wasn’t a very exciting person so it was a shame that I am ashamed of the things I’ve done which make me exciting. I just laughed at him, but it stung. Of course what I was thinking is that a decent human being would not think those things I did in my past that I regret were “exciting.”
The bottom line is he is off kilter in his own preferences. Things turn him on that would turn another man off. So he’s no judge. He kept saying, “What are you up to? What else?” And I finally said, “Nothing. If you’re hinting at what I think you’re hinting at, nothing. I’m working on making myself stronger. I’m not ready for anything else.”
Working on making oneself stronger and more independent doesn’t impress my husband, I guess. But going out and drinking and telling him about my conquests would excite him.
He’d get turned on knowing I was interested in another man. He’s that sort. And because of that I’d never tell him even if I were involved with someone else.
I’m still getting to know myself but I think I’m exciting enough. I have a lot of interests, I’m creative, I love to travel. I’m chomping at the bit to have my own home again and decorate it just for me. And soon I will be a business owner.
The notion that my husband does not think I’m very exciting actually doesn’t hurt my feelings. After so many years of feeling I was the sick or disordered one it’s clear to me that he’s more effed up than I am. He’ll never admit it, but I know it. In fact it is I who feel sorry for him because wherever he goes, there he is.