Eating Too Much. Spending Too Much. Waiting.

Still chomping at the bit here and was grateful to spend some time with my therapist on Friday.

My husband met with his attorney yesterday and they began to prepare for trial, just in case. His attorney will call me in order to prep me sometime this week. Trial is set for one week from this Wednesday, October 1st. I, personally, hope it doesn’t go to trial, but my husband feels that it will work in our favor either way. It’s out of my hands.

His attorney will call my husband, me, and a police officer who came to our aid as witnesses.

I asked him outright if he is going to stay or move and he said he’ll more than likely go to Portland. I told him thank you. I told him I needed him to leave Eugene so that I could feel free to go where I wanted to go. He said, “You’re free to do that now.” I said, “I don’t want to run into you with another woman.” He said, “What about me? I could run into you with another man. Did you ever think about that?” I said, “But you’d like that. It would titillate you.” He didn’t argue with that.

I said something about needing him to go so that I can move on with my life and he acted like I was being silly and I had a great future ahead of me and said “these things happen” like it’s no big deal that he used up my money, cheated and then abandoned me. I said, “You say that because you were in control of it. Believe me, it’s a big deal. But yes, I will be fine.”

My mother has been pouting for three days. Neither my dad nor I know why. I’m so sick of walking on egg shells around her. And my dad is the worst enabler. But they have 60+ years of being dysfunctional together. He told me mom doesn’t like it when he sits at the counter and enjoys his new iPad. He said he will only use it now when she’s not home. I said, “What? Don’t do that. That’s being a martyr.” What an idiot. Now he’ll have even more resentment. But I can’t really blame him because there’s no way to reach her.

Yesterday he lays down for a nap and after about ten minutes mom comes to his door and says, “Is it hot in here?” He says, “No. But turn the air on if you want.” She said, “No, I just wanted to know if it was hot in here.” Fucking passive aggressive shit. He gets out of bed and goes to the thermostat (which she had been standing right near) and turns on the air conditioner, then goes around shutting windows. I shut my window but also shut my door. I’ve got the vent closed in my room because I don’t like feeling cold when it’s gorgeous and sunny outside. She literally has one fucking temperature where it isn’t too hot or too cold. I can’t believe she’s from Southern California and so reliant on air conditioning! We never had it in our homes in So. Cal! Jesus. As you can see they’re both passive aggressive. It’s horrible. As my therapist says, “You’ve got to get out of there.” Yup. I do.

I heard my dad ask my mom what was wrong yesterday and as usual she wouldn’t give him a clue. So she pouts and lies down and gives us both the cold shoulder. And if you dare to try to talk to her about it, she’d feel you were attacking and blaming her and she’d shut down. There is literally no way to bring it up with her where she won’t be offended. So what can one do?

I told dad today that when I get this money I will begin to look for a place to live. I told him that I was going to be extremely picky so it might take months for me to find the right place that I can afford, feel safe in, and work my business out of. He asked me not to do anything when the money comes and to just wait and think. I told him I’ve had a year of thinking about what to do with the money and I know what I want to do — but I plan to ease into it slowly and quite possibly start running it while I’m still living here with them. He seemed disappointed but I’m used to my family not having faith in me. He went quiet which is how he behaves if he disagrees.

He also told me not to try to “save everybody” with the money. And I agreed. Until I can make that money work for me, I should not run around trying to save individual members of my family. It would be a bottomless pit, truly. When I have an actual income, I can then look at how I can help my family.

But I will pay off my daughter’s car and I will do a few things for my parents to thank them for letting me stay here rent free. I’ve contributed a lot of money in terms of food shopping here, and I do chores, but that’s it. I don’t know where I’d be if they hadn’t opened their doors to me.

I’ve started talking and behaving as though there will definitely be money, but until I have it in my bank account, nothing is certain.

The “Leave a Cheater” Meetup on Wednesday went well and I think we’ll have a good but small core of people who want to meet every other week. Any misgivings I had about it are pretty much gone.

I’ve had some amazing ideas for H&B and I’m kicking myself that I never learned how to use Photoshop (very well) or Illustrator so that I can design what I envision instead of relying on conveying that to someone else. Believe it or not my husband and I worked well that way. He wasn’t a trained graphic artist, but he was quite knowledgeable and willing to work on something until I was happy with it. I won’t get that kind of help for free any more!

My sugar eating is totally out of control and I’m so disappointed in myself. My pool opens tomorrow, thank god, and I plan to be there every day this week. But it’s my eating I need to control most. Every day I say this will be the day I get it under control, and every day I fail. When I get this money I am going to consider going to a hypnotist or acupuncturist to help with over eating.

I also think I will be able to control it better when I’m in my own place, controlling what I have for dinner and what I have around me for snacks.

Yesterday I drove around a part of town with tons of apartments and it’s really grown up since I was last there. It was very appealing to me, but I still need to wait until I find something with a garage. Interestingly, I found a small tract of duplexes with garages nearby. I made note of the street name so that I can find out if any of them are for rent.

I’ve been spending money I can’t really spare buying stuff at the charity shops. I haven’t sold anything on eBay for over a week so perhaps my buying skills aren’t as great as I thought they were. And now I’m finding things I like so much I can’t consider selling, like a gorgeous Blenko water jug (paid $7 and it’s worth at least $40) and a stunning cut glass whiskey decanter with matching glasses (bought for half price at $18). I had been keeping my eye on a Murano glass footed apothecary type jar with a lid that stands about 18″ tall. It’s breathtaking in a turquoise blue. It was in a case at the Goodwill and sure enough, this week it was half off. I bought it for $12 and it’s probably worth close to $100, but I love it too much to part with it!

I keep telling myself that all these special things I have will make great props in the background when I began taking photos of my products to sell online at H&B. It’s true, they will, but I have no business buying them now. I can hardly get through the month as it is!

When I move I will have part of the office area set up to photograph my goods, and I’ll have to buy special lighting because I don’t want everything to have that indoor yellow cast to it. I’d prefer to photograph outside, but that’s not always possible in Oregon.

I’m sorry I’m all over the place again. That’s how my brain is operating these days. One of the most sobering things to happen this week is when I began to talk about my childhood and the behavior of my parents in therapy this week. It sounded shocking coming out of my mouth and it’s no wonder I don’t really feel any affection towards my mother. What a shame. I’m so envious of women who are friends with their mom. I guess I’m lucky my daughter seems to like me even though I’ve made a ton of mistakes.

 

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