Hoping for the Opportunity to Face My Fears

This is terrible. The tension at home is so bad. I went to swim yesterday and drove around and went to charity shops until 7:30 pm just so that I didn’t have to go home to get sucked into my mom’s cleaning-things-that-are-already-clean-hysteria. (Picked up an escargot pan from France AND a Julia Child era soufflé pan, also from France for pennies at two different stores). I figure the escargot pan will be a nice catchall in my kitchen since I do no plan to eat snails anytime soon. The soufflé pan will be on display. I don’t wanna make one of those either.

I thought about not swimming today but thankfully something inside me made me go. I guess it’s a habit by now. I’m coming up on about eleven months of swimming regularly. Real regularly. The longest time I’ve done any one physical activity ever. I have a constant runny nose, so I’m not sure it’s the best exercise for me and my sinuses, but for now it’ll have to do.

Today was a bit like old times in the pool. I worked out. Then I did a couple easy floaty laps while I cooled off. I did some stretching. Then got out. And when I was slipping my feet into my flip flops I felt like jumping back in. The water represents something so pure and joyous to me. It’s heaven. The best times of my life were spent in a pool or the ocean. That excitement never goes away.

I’m sitting right now at the public library waiting to see my husband. I got here a bit early and I paid for 2.5 hours of parking. I know I won’t need that much time with him, but I figured I’d want to hang out here since there’s no where else to go.

Today when I swam instead of thinking about H&B I thought about my own place and how I would decorate it. I’m quite a home body so it really made me feel calm and excited at the same time. For the first time in my life, I will decorate my house right. I’ll go slow. I don’t need to buy a lot at once. A bed and a couch initially, but that’s it, really. The rest can wait. I have quite a bit of stuff, but nothing compared to what I had when I met my husband. I’ve thinned it out since I had to keep packing it up and putting it in storage.

I decorated a house in a hurry once in my last marriage. Bought almost everything at once. Never liked it a bit. I like things to be eclectic, not all matchy-matchy. I won’t make that mistake again. Plus in the ten years since I did that I know so much more about what I like.

But what if I get it done and sit down and look around and realize it doesn’t matter a bit if there’s no one to share it with? I guess I’ll deal with that when it happens. Maybe it won’t happen.

Just spent two hours with my husband and it was bitter sweet. He helped me with my computer issues and then we just talked. Neither of us is sleeping right now we are so nervous about this court case. He was not his usual optimistic self so now I’m feeling more nervous as well.

When I left him I felt like sitting in the car and just sobbing, but it didn’t come and I wasn’t going to force it. For two days it’s been rainy and overcast, Oregon weather is back. All those idiots who complained that it was “so hot” must be happy now. I’ll miss the sun so much.

He teased and said next time let’s meet at a hotel room and I chuckled a little but I don’t find it amusing. I told him I doubt I’d ever be with another man again and it was a shame since my last two times with him were so awful. Hard to accept that that was it for my sex life. He said, “Oh come on. Don’t be ridiculous.”

Later I told him that his “oh, these things happen” attitude is fine for him, but I don’t take it as casually. I told him I’m not about to try to convince him of it, but I had never known such pain in my life when he cheated on me. He said, “Not even with so and so?” I said, “No. Hands down this was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my life. He said, “Do you think I am not sorry or feel remorse? If so you don’t know me.”

I let that thread of the conversation end. No need for it. Neither of us were playing games or trying to get something out of the other. I did tell him that I’m glad we can be civil to one another but I didn’t plan on remaining his pal after he leaves, which is how he would like it. I said, “Sorry. I have to move on completely.”

Today I was wishing there was a “Leave a Cheater” Meetup to go to tonight but it’s not until next week. I’ll ask people if they are okay with every other week or if they’d like to meet once a week. We got a new member so I think we’ll have four or five people next week. Yay!

I’m unbelievably aware that I have no one to socialize with whatsoever. No one. Zero. Zip. Nada. I hope I make a friend or two in one of the Meetup groups. It’d be so nice just to have someone to go have coffee or a cocktail with. It’s been so, so long. Not sure how I ended up in this place.

I’m like my mom in this way, I guess (huge sigh) because she has only one friend. She dislikes people and is overly critical. If she can’t dominate the friendship she has no time for it. Also if you disagree with her politically she’ll write you off. So, wait, I’m not like her. Please god, I don’t want to be like her.

I told my husband today that I MUST GET OUT OF HERE AND ESTABLISH MY OWN HOME AND I AM NOT GOING TO INVITE HER TO LIVE WITH ME IF IT EVER COMES TO THAT. He says, “You’d better tell your brother and sister. They’ll be assuming you’re going to take care of her. ” I told him I’d do all I can for her financially, but I cannot live with her. I simply can’t. There’s just too much damage there and I will be miserable; we both would.

I worry too much about things that might happen.

I mean I sit here with less than $100 to my name planning what furniture I’ll buy? Moving out to establish my own home? Where is that line between optimism and foolishness?

And if/when the money comes will I have what it takes? I’m famous for backing away from things at the last second. My mom tells me daily about some new job to apply for that doesn’t suit me a bit, plus by now I know I can’t even get an interview. It’s so nice to have the confidence of one’s parents (sarcasm).

The only thing that’s different now with so many plans I’ve had in the past that I walked away from — I don’t really have much choice this time AND it’s time to do what I’ve always dreamed of doing, having my own business. It’s time.

How far I can take it given my age and experience (or lack thereof) is anyone’s guess. But c’mon, I don’t have to make a fortune. I can make a comfortable living, right? Almost daily I come across some other beautiful product by a Pacific Northwest artisan and think, yeah, that would fit on my website. I want to take what top notch artisans are making in the Pacific Northwest and sell it to the world and I want to take unique things I’ve found in my travels in Europe and sell them to the world. Maybe that should be two business, but I don’t care. That’s the plan. High quality things with lasting power, perhaps even nice enough to leave to loved ones.

I honestly do not expect anyone to read this shit. I’m writing simply because I’m a nervous wreck over if there will be money or not. There will be money, but how much is anyone’s guess.

But I had a mini epiphany just now that I’m grateful to have the opportunity to face my fears. To live alone. To run a business. To help my parents and daughter financially. To be independent. I want that opportunity. I pray I’m not just hot air. I pray I can step up.





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