High Anxiety

Oh god. I’m wound up so tight. My mother’s actions are making me want to jump out of my skin. I don’t want to take it out on her.

This morning I decided not to swim, partly because I am so nervous I suspect I’d only stay in the water for ten or fifteen minutes, and partly because my husband’s attorney said he’d call me this morning. I’m at the kids center this afternoon so I don’t want to miss his call. I’ll use this time this morning to do my nails, I think. I may be too stressed to even do that.

Now I can’t seem to use the bathroom because my mother’s having a bad time with her stomach. Every time I ask if it’s okay to use the restroom she grabs her stomach and runs past me. One bathroom for three people often does not work and she’s had chronic stomach issues for months now.

I met with my husband’s attorney yesterday for about an hour. On one hand I feel everything is in capable hands, on the other hand I feel he has a good overall idea of what we went through but perhaps not a good enough detailed idea. There are so many variables. His behavior, my husband’s behavior, my behavior, and whether the jury feels empathy or compassion for us or not. It’s out of my hands.

I’m a nervous wreck. I haven’t taken any ativan in recent days in order for them to actually help me sleep tonight, or get on the stand tomorrow. The mere idea of it makes me tremble but I can’t wait to have this behind me.

In a way, though, I know I’m in for another adjustment period. Waiting so long for this has become my way of life. It’s easy to sound brave when your hands are tied and you can’t actually do anything.

I don’t know how much money I’ll end up getting. I don’t know when I’ll get it. And when we finally do get it, my husband will want to leave pretty quickly and I’ll need to rent a truck and get the rest of my furniture out of his apartment and put it into storage. He said he’d help me with that. I’ll need to rent a bigger storage unit because mine is already full. But that’s okay because if/when I start my business, I’ll probably need that storage space.

I’m just in disbelief that this case is almost over. I fear that at the last minute they’ll postpone it somehow!

Okay, I’ve showered and dressed. I’m going to spare you any more of my high anxiety today and sign off. Nails to paint. Makeup to put on.



2 responses to “High Anxiety

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