Monthly Archives: October 2014

Don’t Give Up

Got up today, packed up the two things I needed to ship. Got my suit on with clothes on top went out and my car would not start. I used mom’s car to mail my packages and then came home and dad was able to jump it which was a relief that it wasn’t the starter.

I then took it to Les Schwab to have them check the battery. They charged it most of the day and then called to say it wasn’t holding the charge. So I had them replace it. I’m not happy I spent $125 on that today, but I’m at least glad my eBay sales allowed me to pay for it without borrowing from my parents.

So I did not swim and I did not go to the kids center as I had planned and will hopefully do so tomorrow.

I’m trying to get much more particular about what I buy for my site. I still have quite a bit of shit on there that I won’t bother to put back up if it doesn’t sell. I just wanted to get rid of it or get my money back. There are things on there I don’t want to sell, and those will definitely sell. That’s just how it works.

I also have a small stack of things I need to donate back to the charity shop because they were dumb buys. It’s all part of my learning curve.

I’ve got to get more information about how to save money on postage. It’s killing me.

I am having fun on Twitter and already have 40+ followers which is cool. I’ve had many Twitter accounts in the past but this one feels different. I like it. I try to only post my stuff for sale once or twice a day. The rest of the time I’m interacting or re-tweeting, trying to form relationships. No one would follow me if all I did was throw my eBay shit at them.

I hope I get more sales soon. I will not have that extra money I had hoped for at this rate.

I guess I’m glad I applied for that job and came close to getting it. It made me realize how ill prepared I am to work, especially full time. I’d really love to have what I’m doing turn into a real business. Other people have done it. I imagine it’s not easy doing it with used stuff because half your time is spent on the prowl for stuff. But that’s the most enjoyable part for me, the hunt. And at least while I’m doing that I’m mobile and I’m out of the house.

Now that I’m getting pickier I’m spending much more time at each individual store. I spent an hour and a half this evening in St. Vinnies! But it was fun, and it was the only time I got out of the house today other than dealing with the car.

I can’t stop eating. And you know what? I’m having to eat my words. Months ago I wrote that people who are fat want to be fat, and I was wrong. I thought I was in control of my weight loss because I put a lot of effort into it. But after about six months my body said, enough. And now I’m hungry all the time. I knew it would be a challenge to keep the weight off, but I’m shocked at how hard it is.

I said no to so many foods. During the holidays last year I lost weight and ate only two pieces of fudge — the only sweets I ate all season! I’m trying not to panic, but I feel there’s almost nothing I can do about it. I have no control whatsoever.

I liked feeling hungry back then. Now I only strive to be full. The bottom line is, if I gain more weight I know I will always be alone. For the rest of my life. I will not have the confidence I would need to find someone I like. That’s a pretty serious issue. It’s as important as losing weight for my health. If I gain it all back I’ll hate myself. When I hate myself I begin to rehash the end of my marriage and how my slimy fucking Persian husband is across town fucking college girls. Asshole.


That turned ugly fast, didn’t it?

It hurts so badly. I still remember every detail of his body. I still miss it so much. I remember when he told me he was with another woman and I sat dumbfounded thinking, “But that’s my dick. It belongs to me.” I could cry right now thinking about it. And I still don’t know what I did for him to decide cheating on me was the answer. And even after a year of getting strong, being more calm, and stopping the suicide attempts and looking much, much better, he doesn’t want me back. I’m not making good progress. Not at all.

I said I was losing the weight and getting fit for me, but I wasn’t. I was doing it to show him and possibly get him back. If I gain it all back then I shudder to think what I’ll do. This is serious.

That’s just the roller coaster I’m on. And I’m dreading the holidays because my mom simply ruins them. She can’t stop planning. And dad and I know she’ll go too far, she’ll plan too much, she’ll exhaust herself, she’ll get sick, and I’ll end up trying to do it all.

And all that food.

She hardly eats anything these days because she has stomach issues. She can’t plan anything until after 11 every morning because she has diarrhea every single day!

I will get to the pool tomorrow. Even if I only swim 30 minutes. I will go. Then to the kids center for the entire afternoon. The longer I go without doing those things, the harder it is to go.

It’s funny. When I’m full I can think about using self control and allowing myself to feel and enjoy being empty and hungry. But the minute I actually am hungry, I forget all that. I knew the odds of me keeping the weight off were horrendous. I had read all about it. I just thought I could keep on eating that way, I truly did.

If I can find a way to deal with my hunger/anxiety now, then I really will have accomplished something. I just can’t give up. I CAN’T.

I will swim tomorrow.

I can’t give up.




Sunday Night Panic

Up and down. Up and down. It’s exhausting. I spent the entire weekend, including Friday photographing things and putting them on eBay. Dozens of things — I’m exhausted. I had one sale on Saturday and no bites since. So now naturally I think the whole thing’s a joke again.

On top of that, I bought what looks like a used opium pipe at St. Vinnie’s on Friday and put it on eBay and they removed it due to their drug policy. Haha… kind of funny. Bought it at a Catholic thrift store and eBay takes it down. I should not have wasted money on it. Shit. I just thought it was decorative and novel. I doubt anyone’s ever used it. It’s probably not even real.

I have not been to the pool in a week. I hope to go tomorrow morning (Monday). I pray I go. I’m getting stiff and sore from sitting at the computer. My sleep has been bad. And now my mood is suffering.

I’ve found myself this whole weekend being resentful of my husband and wondering WHAT THE FUCK HE’S DOING. How does he get by? Who pays his electricity and food? I hate him for humiliating me this way. I want him to get the fuck out of my town. He calls me in the day, never at night. I am so naive to think he’s not with someone WHEN HE NEVER EVER CALLS ME AT NIGHT. Why? Because he’s with her.


I fucking hate him. I want him to go. There’s no end to this shit, is there? FUCK.

The money from Paypal is still NOT AVAILABLE. How nice of them to hold my money for days and days and days and then CHARGE ME for the pleasure! FUCKING ASSHOLES.

And I have to ship one thing tomorrow and I don’t even have enough money to do that. Fuck me.

I just had this horrible feeling that he’s gone and left the country or at least the area. That he got the money and left me without a thing. Do I think he’s capable of that? No. But I’m fucking naive, aren’t I? I think we’ve established that.

I mean, how weird is this that you wait over a year for a trial date. It comes, there is a settlement, and then your attorney refuses to answer your calls and emails? Jesus. That doesn’t even happen in movies.

Okay. I just contacted him and we messaged for five minutes. There’s nothing up. He hasn’t skipped town. I was about to go off the deep end. He is waiting to find out if the case can be re-opened. His attorney is now in breach of contract. No idea where this is heading.

Okay. Just breathe. Things could be worse. Hang on. Tomorrow might be wonderful and filled with possibilities. Just hang on.

Pool tomorrow.

Kids Center.

Mail that package somehow.

That is all I need to focus on for now.

p.s. Anyone want a free opium pipe?



It Turns Out I Already Have My Own Business

The only real area of growth that I see for myself in the last year, is understanding that low times don’t have to last or kill me. I can hold on during them. I don’t have to react, or worse, over-react.

I worked for two days on my eBay site to try to make money for the holidays for my parents and daughter. I knew I had some money coming from Paypal and wondered why it was taking so long. I thought I usually got an email saying when funds were available. So I went to find out WHEN they’d be available and saw that $250 was just sitting there waiting for me to transfer it to my bank account.

It will take a few days, but it’s on the way. I can’t believe I let it just sit there as broke as I am. And I’ve got more pending.

I realized last night that I have my own business already.

And my parents are fully supportive of this. They get a kick when I walk out and say, “Remember this German sugar bowl I bought for $4.99? I just sold it for $70.” And I have to admit, it’s quite a thrill. (Although finds that good are not that common.)

Their dining room table is filled to overflowing with my eBay store items. This weekend I will buy some clear bins so that I can store the stuff on the shelves my dad cleared for me in the garage.

And when I can save enough, or when the magical money comes my way, I’ll buy two things that I will design myself, and I’ll sell those on eBay too — new things. Right now it’s all used stuff, mostly “mid-century” which is loosely 1950-1970-ish.

And later this weekend I’ll go back to my storage unit and fill my backseat up again. Then take it home and wash it, photograph it, Photoshop it, and get it on eBay.

Last night I stopped and made a Twitter account for my eBay store so that I can promote myself a little.

I feel like all I’ve learned is coming together into something pretty awesome.

And now that I have hope again, my yearning for my husband goes away. I see how this works. I don’t have a lot of control over it, but I see it and I get it. Perhaps that’s a start.

I’m trying so hard to learn, grow, and evolve.

(And thanks, Cynthia, for your pep talk).

This morning I’ll go ship that expensive sugar bowl and then I’ll spend the afternoon at the kids center. The weekend will be busy with work!

Here’s the link for my store. I share it only for informational purposes and would never expect a blog reader to buy anything so please know that. And if you’re on Twitter, my Twitter handle is @castlemoatstore.

Insecurity & Fear Overwhelm Me

It’s Thursday and I haven’t been swimming since Saturday. I’m a bit under the weather and my back hurts really bad — probably from so much time on the computer lately putting things on eBay. I should swim but I don’t know if I will. Head hurts, ear hurts, runny nose, and I’m spending a lot of time in the bathroom this morning. We’ll see. I can’t afford to buy my monthly pass, but I do have three days of passes I can use for now. Until some sales go through on eBay.

I missed the staff meeting at the kids center yesterday because I just simply forgot about it. They emailed me later to tell me I was volunteer of the month.

I put about ten items on eBay yesterday and have at least another ten to put up today. Yesterday was entirely spent on washing the items and photographing them. Then the tedious part of editing the photos on Photoshop and lastly, putting them up on eBay. It’s not quick!

But I’m glad to have new products up there, even things I had bought to keep. It’s all going, well, almost all. I’m keeping my Cornishware, my copper mixing bowls, a few other things, at least for now. Everything else gets a price tag on it. Tomorrow I’ll probably head back to storage to dig deeper for more things to sell. There’s a ton there. My dad emptied three shelves in the garage so I can put the items there as they wait to be sold. Perhaps it is turning into a real business now.

I’m feeling really incapable, not sure why. The “scare” of almost getting a job has sobered me right up. The honest truth is I do not think I have the stamina to work 8a-5p Monday through Friday. So I’m feeling pretty resentful that my husband has deserted me at this age after using up all my money. I haven’t worked full time in about 15 years.

He called yesterday and was seeming to want to put my mind at ease that even though the case is up in the air again, he will honor his agreement with me to give me half his settlement. He asked if I wanted to start the divorce proceedings and we can make mention of it in that paperwork.

I told him I’m fine with starting divorce proceedings, I just don’t have the filing fees right now. I said if he wants to pick the papers up, I’ll sign.

It was weird finally talking about the impending divorce. I knew it was coming, I just haven’t wanted to deal with it. It’s my fucking ego that’s smarting knowing he just doesn’t want me. I can’t seem to handle that.

I’m supposed to know that I am better off without him.

But I still want him. I know that sounds horrible after what he’s put me through and sad that I keep coming back to that. I hate it. I hate that I don’t love myself more to know I deserve better, or am better off alone. Where is my dignity? When I say I want him it goes hand in hand with wishing he had never cheated on me since that’s my deal breaker. So no matter how much I long for him, I will never try to go back with him.

I think the job thing sobered me up and brought me back to my most insecure place. It’ll take a little time for me to go back to being indignant again. Right now I’m just afraid, which is a familiar place for me. I often fool myself with false confidence and then watch as it quickly dissipates and leaves me shaking with fear.

I’m afraid that I can’t emotionally or physically handle working full time or living on my own. I feel like an idiot that I’m so weak and incapable.

I’m so disappointed in myself for feeling incredibly hurt that this man who seemed so dependent on me and in love with me is just fine having me be here way in the background. He does the calling and contacting. It’s all on his schedule and whim.

He told me I should have talked to him about that job. He said he would have talked me into going to the 2nd interview. I said, “I’m 57. How many years do I have to save for my retirement? I wanted my own business. Something I could do into my 70s if possible. I really wanted to start my own business.”

He said it’s possible that this money will still be coming in the near future. I told him I have had to let that idea go. Until it’s in my hands, it doesn’t exist and never will.

I’m amazed at his perseverance with that money and I told him I admired him for continuing to fight for it. I would have given up by now. I don’t know how he’s living. I suppose I have to acknowledge that he is probably living off the other woman now. If I had the money I would get the rest of my furniture out of his apartment.

What a setback for me. To feel like I’m starting my grieving and mourning all over again. To wondering what’s wrong with me that I could still want him. Why did he have to go and do something unforgivable? And why can’t I move on?

I think it’s funny, too, that he calls himself 46. He told me his birth certificate from his birth country was mistranslated and now it’s on paper that he’s 46 instead of 48. He looks older than 48, to be honest, due to years of smoking and his gray hair. But it cracks me up that he insists on calling himself 46 when he knows I know how old he is. He is really hung up on age, which is weird since he claimed to want an older woman. And I can assure you that it was not “mistranslated.” I’m certain his mother shaved those years off because she wanted to shave those years off her own age as well.

He said he loved me being an older woman and he loved me being fat. I imagine he was lying about both those things. I’m just a sucker — a chump.

I really, really wish I could have seen my therapist this week. I feel the depression of winter coming on. I feel I should not even publish anything here because it’s just too down. Plus it shows I’m having a setback instead of moving on bravely with my life. I’m not brave. Not even a little.

You know, I wish that if I were going to be this depressed that the lack of appetite would come back. At least losing some more weight would be a side benefit, but no, the appetite is more than fine. The more weight I gain, the more I know I won’t ever put myself out there to try to meet anyone new. I’m far too insecure. My heart is breaking that my heart won’t love again.

I’m writing my own future. Fat and living with my mother.

I’m really sorry that I can’t be brave and strong and moving into my future with confidence. I’m afraid. And fear has always been a constant in my life.



Emotional Setback. Financial Worries.

This is a rough time of year for me. Seeing the daylight go and the rain come. I feel like I’m fighting a cold and I’m so tired.

I went to the post office yesterday morning to mail another package then I went to the kids center. I was there until 5 p.m. and then went to my storage to grab anything I could to put on eBay to sell. The backseat of my car is full now, but there’s plenty more to go through. I’ll go back again in a couple of days.

It has finally sunk in that I will not even be getting the smallest amount of money for months or years, or perhaps never. I’m incredibly depressed because I really believed in my little business idea, and feel I could have launched it for under $1,500.

I’m so broke. I spent eBay money on the damned power suit and and I’ve got a quarter of a tank of gas and not a penny to my name now. I’ll spend all day today getting stuff on eBay. I’m trying not to let my parents know how broke I am. I stopped at the market on the way home tonight to buy stuff for dinner. I held my breath as I used my debit card. Thankfully it worked. I’m afraid to look at the balance.

I predict a trip to the pawn shop in the coming days. And I only have a couple of things left to sell. All my silver jewelry is gone, but that brought only pennies. I tried to hang on to the little bit of gold jewelry I have, but it’s going next. (I got $50 for my thin 18K wedding band a few months ago.)

I spoke to my daughter and told her how sorry I was that I promised her $1,000 by Christmas and now have no idea when it will ever come. She understands. But I feel awful about it. She’s probably used to being disappointed by me. I love her so much. At 38 she works full time and is in school full time — I’m so proud of her.

I’m going to sell everything I possibly can so that I can help my parents with Christmas expenses, especially all the food buying, and also to be able to give my daughter a couple of hundred, if I can. I won’t buy anything unnecessary in the next two months.

I told my parents I didn’t get the job so the lying is done now. Fuck I really hate lying. You may think I’m insane for not taking a job when I need money so badly, but with my emotional issues I can’t take a job that I don’t think I can do. Of course they hadn’t offered it to me, but I think they might have.

The two jobs my supervisors told me about sound daunting and I do not feel at all qualified. I don’t know what to do now. I feel a deep depression setting in. I wish so badly I could have started my business. I haven’t worked a paying job for so long, and I’ve been so emotionally unstable and suddenly I feel really incompetent. I hate when I convince myself I can do something and then hate it even more when I realize I was only fooling myself. This is part of my fuckedupness, I don’t know who I am.

Right now, due to the money and job situation I’m having an emotional setback. When I have a setback I feel raw and sad as though my husband just left me last week and not last year. It’s part of dealing with the betrayal, I guess. That wound does get opened sometimes.

I wish I had my hands on that $17,000. At this point I have to let it go. I’m putting blinders on — I’m going to sell really hard on eBay even if I have to take everything shippable out of my fucking storage. All that crap can be purchased again.

I sold two more things on eBay last night so I have to wrap those up and get to the post office again. Sometimes the profit I make on these things is extremely minimal. I’m learning what to sell and how to price as I go along and it’s a big learning curve.


I Canceled the Second Interview

I’d say you’ll never believe what I did today, but you’ll believe it.

I got to the kids center at 8:30 a.m. and was really busy with a family until 11:30. Then I went in to my supervisor’s office and told them about my appointment to have a second interview. I told them I don’t want the job. I don’t like the mall environment. I don’t like commercialism to the point where you can’t even close the fucking mall on major holidays anymore.

They understood and of course would hate to lose me. And they told me of two openings in a related field to the area I volunteer in and forwarded me the job description. Then I wrapped up my work there, sat in my car, and told the man I would be interviewing with that I had had a change of heart; that I do not feel the mall environment is a good fit for me, and that I didn’t want to waste their time and I wish them well in their search for the perfect candidate.

He responded he respected my decision and wished me well.

And then, because I’m a 57 year old baby. I came home to my parents, got into my power suit and let them think I was going for the interview. Please go ahead and laugh. It’s pathetic that I don’t feel confident enough to say, “Mom, Dad, it was a bad fit. It was feeling so wrong.”

And when I got home I lied and said the interview went well and they’d let me know in a day or two. God I hate lying.

But you have to understand my folks and the pressure they put on me. When I was getting ready to go my mom said, “You might be working tomorrow!” And I said, “No, I’m committed to the kids center in the afternoon, I already told him that. He understands.”

She says, “You can’t put off your real job for a volunteer job.” And I said, “Mom, they are down to only a few advocates and I already committed to do a specific case on Tuesday afternoon — it’s only one day. They will understand.”

I know they would have understood. But she has a real bend over backwards type mentality when it comes to working.

Jesus, I have a very good work ethic and I always work harder than other people simply because I’m never sure I’m good enough. I really don’t need mom telling me that I might lose my new job just by postponing starting by one day.

I said, “What if I had had to give two weeks notice? That happens too.” And she said, “Not in this job environment.”

I’m scratching my head. So, they’d respect me if I just bailed on my existing job, that is, if I had an existing job? See, this is the sort of mindset I’m dealing with.

But of course I feel like an imbecile for lying to them about this. Yet I’m glad I did it. That was simply not a good fit for me,

I wish my husband would get his fucking case money so that I can give my parent’s some money and get my mom off my back for a couple of weeks.

His attorney isn’t speaking to him or answering his emails or phone calls or mine. It’s completely unprofessional and I can guarantee you it’s because my husband pissed him off and now he’s punishing him. This is the story of life with my husband and since I had nothing to do with it, he can’t blame me for it.

The case is settled, they all agreed on a price, and then the opposing side sent a document with many stipulations, some of which made no sense. Rather than getting answers for us, his attorney is ignoring us. This is fucking amazing. All because my husband lost his cool and yelled at his 80 year old attorney who is also a hot head.

The blind leading the blind. And me stuck in the middle.

This money will never come, will it?

Anyway, I’m relieved that I don’t have that job in my future but I’m actually feeling afraid that I can handle any job. After over nine years of not working full time, I’m afraid I might not have it in me.

I’m going to start selling as much of my stuff from storage as I can. Since things have started really selling right now (I shipped four things today), I want to take advantage of that and sell more. Perhaps it’s early holiday shopping? I don’t know. But I’ve got a storage unit filled with things I’d part with just to make some dosh.

Tomorrow I’ll swim and then go to the kids center. Later in the day I’ll go to my storage and pick out things to sell.

— Later —

Well, I spoke on the phone with my husband. He is consulting with attorneys from out of the area who say that this case and how it ended is very weird. I won’t go into detail but I can assure you of this: I won’t see that money for months, maybe years, maybe never. He’s probably going to start the whole case again if he can. This “trial” thing was a shambles.

On another note, we both feel that perhaps his attorney is sick or something. He did not seem well that day. He seemed utterly overwhelmed, snippy, and nervous. He’s a trial attorney so I was a bit surprised at that and then he just caved on us and then disappeared. It’s possible he’s in the hospital or something. He works from home and has no secretary, so we have no way of knowing.

Or maybe he’s simply pissed at my husband and is making suffer. I don’t know. I’m going to do everything I can from here on out to not count on that money. But this is really sad for me because that means there’s absolutely no way for me to start my own business even on the tiniest scale.

So, I’ll sell everything I can, and I’ll apply for jobs that I think I can actually do.

I have no idea what my husband is living on. Perhaps he has another woman who is paying for him. Perhaps his parents gave him money, but that’s not likely. He has a friend with money, but he already owes him a great deal.

So, I guess that means he’s probably living off his other woman. Yay, one more reason to be depressed tonight.

I hate that I allowed him AGAIN to convince me that there would be money. That he’d make up to me in the smallest way that I lost everything I owned thanks to my association with him. This is a lesson that I am apparently supposed to learn.



Bras. Fat. Fashion Fail. Nerves.

Sadly I had to go to the mall again on Sunday because believe it or not I only have one bra that fits and it’s gray so it doesn’t look good under white clothing. I had two bras, but I think I accidentally gave one away with some charity donations. Pathetic. Yes, I used to have more bras, but then I lost weight and they were no good any more.

So I bought a new bra and some undies and then I ventured back into Macy’s and I have to say this, CLOTHING IS REALLY UGLY RIGHT NOW. That’s pretty much always true in the big sizes, but I think much of the clothing in the rest of the store is hideous too.

I’m the kind of person who wears blacks, grays, white, and some browns and off whites. If I want color I add it with a sweater or a scarf. That way almost everything I have goes together and I have a sort of uniform. I don’t like busy prints and I hate the current trend of stretchy blouses made out of cheap manmade material. They’re awful!

So I saw myself in mirrors again today and, well, it’s pretty fucking awful. I often think that because I feel good and I swim, I can’t look THAT bad, but then I look in the mirror and cringe. I do look THAT bad, but I used to look even worse. I’m really ashamed. I need to get more weight off. Looking at myself in department store mirrors is impacting the little bit of self esteem I have.

You know why there are asymmetrical blouses with lace going down the front and buttons on the sleeves and a crazy pattern that looks like paint blobs? It’s because THEY want you to have to buy more more more. God forbid you buy one really well made white blouse that is classic and not trendy. They’d go out of business if we were all practical. So they invent this horrible shit. I can’t actually believe someone purposefully DESIGNED it. Nor can I believe anyone buys it!

Even walking by J. Jill, which I used to sort of like, seems weird and shapeless. I think Fall 2014 is a fashion fail.

It doesn’t help that I don’t really like to wear seasonal colors and I don’t like purple and so much of what’s out there is Fall colors and purple.




Why would I want my office shirt to sparkle like that? OMG.

I still hope I don’t get this job. I mean that. I mean, malls are now open pretty much 363 days a year. So even though this job is advertised as M-F, 8a-5p, the nature of it, having to do with special events at the mall, means that if I get the job, I’ll be there A LOT, probably including Thanksgiving Day, etc. How can I help market an industry I think is greedy? Shit.

Making store employees work for minimum wage on major holidays just so YOU can get more rich? That’s rot in hell type behavior as far as I’m concerned.

I wish I hadn’t applied for it.

Then last night I again looked at Craigslist for one bedroom apartments and the ones in safe areas that won’t smell like a wet dog will cost at least $775/mo. Those are Portland prices! Why’s it so expensive here? (University. And greed.)

And then I thought to myself, if I were half of a couple, the rent would be easy and we’d get a two bedroom BUT I’M NOT PART OF A COUPLE AND MAYBE I NEVER WILL BE AGAIN. So a huge amount of my paycheck will be spent on rent and there’s nothing I can do about that.



I have to remember that this is how I behave when I’m nervous. I’ll perform at the interview and if they offer me the job I’ll take it and do my best. Deep down I do know that I am an asset to any company and ultimately they won’t be sorry if they hire me.

And if I don’t get the job I won’t be upset!

I’ve sold five things on eBay this weekend! If I weren’t selling stuff on eBay right now I would not be able to buy my interview clothes, etc. I could enjoy making a living this way. And I had such fun buying the stuff!

Perhaps I can get a two bedroom so that I can run my own business from the 2nd bedroom. It’s not that much more expensive for a two bedroom.

I’m going to exhaust myself aren’t I?

But for now I will stay with my parents. If I do get hired I probably won’t move out of here until after the first of the year simply because I won’t have time!

Sorry for so much rambling. It’s just me, still kicking and screaming into my future.